The Truth About Keeping Secrets(76)

‘June,’ I said, not a clue how to phrase what I was about to ask. ‘Did he do something to my dad?’

‘No. I mean, I don’t think he –’

‘Remember that website I told you about? Where I was watching people die?’

June nodded.

‘Heath sent me the video. Of … him. He’d gotten it, somehow. Maybe from his dad, or, I don’t know, but …’

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘You don’t have to apologize for him.’

‘I just … I was with him. That whole day. And if he had done something, I can’t even begin to conceive how or when or what he would have done. Is that what you thought all this was?’

I nodded, as if to say Of course – what else could it have been? I felt almost combative, but June was so gentle and honest that I had no choice but to believe her. Of course I felt combative, because this whole thing was about looking for a fight. A fight. And here she was, saying there was none to be had. That it wasn’t Heath. That it wasn’t anybody. I’d been holding on to the last thread of hope that horrible things had to happen as a consequence of something else, that Dad wasn’t subject to the same unfair odds as everyone else – but they didn’t, and he was.

‘In the video,’ I said, ‘it looks like Dad sort of swerved, and I guess … I guess it could have been anything. An animal or some debris in the road or something …’

‘It could have been anything,’ June echoed. ‘I’m sorry, Sydney.’

‘It’s OK,’ I said, because there was nothing else for it to be. ‘So, what happened to the report?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe he never got to it, or he did send it but it was just dropped because of what happened … I really don’t know. But I never heard from anyone. And I turned eighteen pretty soon after, anyways. So nothing even came from it.’

‘But what did I have to do with this? With any of this?’

June looked me in the eye. Her head was backlit by the glow from my desk lamp, illuminating a sort of angelic haze around her, while the weight from her cast made her whole body slump. ‘He wanted … revenge, I guess. He thought you’d been in on it, somehow, and had convinced himself that you two were in cahoots trying to convince me to leave him. Making up stories, whatever. He thought you were spying for your dad at school or something.’

‘I – I never even knew you were –’

‘Whitaker, I know that. Heath is … he’s paranoid, and he sees things that aren’t there. That can’t be there.’

‘Is he – like, unwell mentally?’

‘I think. I mean, I know. He has to be. I tried to get him help. Gently, I mean, because overtly suggesting anything like that would have … but, I mean, yeah. He is. So, I don’t know. Some of the stuff he did because he’s entitled and narcissistic and has a superiority complex, sure. But some of the other stuff, maybe he wouldn’t have done it if he was, you know, well, but … Lots of people are mentally ill,’ she said, ‘and they don’t do these things to other people. Manipulate them and stalk them and, oh my God, almost fucking kill them. I totally believe he would have crashed the car or driven us off a cliff or whatever. I’d never seen him so crazed. And no one who’s OK would have gotten to that point.’

Cogs turned in my brain. ‘When you offered to drive me, did he –’

She exhaled. ‘Don’t hate me.’

‘I won’t.’

She snorted. ‘I told him I was keeping an eye on you.’

‘Oh my God.’

‘Yeah.’

‘But then, why would you even want to offer in the first place?’ June was quiet. ‘Did you feel guilty? And that’s why you …?’

‘What do you want me to say? Maybe a little, I guess. Sure. Whatever. But that’s not what it was, really. I just got the sense that – that we both – that we were both losing the plot a little bit.’

I laughed under my breath. ‘And you liked that?’

‘And I liked you.’ I stiffened. ‘I liked you. I liked your sense of humour, and how you treated me, and how when I spoke to you it always seemed like you were really listening. Your dad told me that I wasn’t supposed to be treated the way Heath treated me. You showed me.’

My cheeks went red hot.

‘Heath noticed how I … was. With you. He knew. Or maybe it was just his paranoia, but if so, maybe it was the first time his paranoia was right. And then that became why. I’d placated him for the first couple of months, but I didn’t realize that until after … that he was doing that stuff to you, sending you the … I didn’t know. I didn’t realize how bad it was. I would have never dragged you into any of this if I had known.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me what was happening? I mean, I can’t believe I never picked up on it … I could have helped. I could have –’

She shook her head slowly. ‘There was nothing you could have done. There was nothing you could have noticed. No one ever would have known. It’s not your fault that you didn’t recognize someone wearing a mask. Whitaker, there were so many times I wanted to tell you. Everything. But I was terrified of you confronting him, and something happening, or … or something happening to me.’