The Secrets We Keep(65)

I’d never touched him like this before—gently, intimately, like he meant more to me than anything else in this world. He did; and if he’d listen to me, give me a second chance to explain, I’d tell him.

“I love you, too,” I whispered. “Since the day Maddy introduced me to you, it’s been you.”

Josh’s eyes brightened at my words and he squeezed my hand tighter.

His silence troubled me. “It’s me. Ella. I mean, I’m not going to pretend to be Maddy anymore. Not with you, not with my parents, not with anybody,” I promised.

Josh looked down at the gravestone bearing my name. His hand shook in mine, and I was too afraid to break the forgiving quiet with words. I mumbled another apology and looked away.

“I was pissed at you, Ella, angry that you lied and hurt that you wouldn’t trust me with the truth, but that never changed the way I felt about you. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there in the hospital when you woke up, sorry that I didn’t stay with Alex and see for myself who you were.”

“What I did … why I did it had nothing to do with you. You don’t need to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I did everything wrong,” Josh said. “I should’ve told you I loved you the minute I realized it. I should’ve continued to tell you every day I saw you. I should’ve made you go to your parents and tell them you weren’t Maddy the minute I figured it out. I should’ve told them myself. I should have—”

I held a finger up to his lips, silencing him. “And I shouldn’t have lied.”

The tears he’d been holding in finally fell, his eyes glinting with hope and promise. Everybody I needed was right there, including Maddy. As long as I had Josh, then somehow, everything—the accident, Maddy’s death, me pretending to be somebody I wasn’t—was going to be okay.

“I have something for you.” Josh pulled his hand away from mine and dug into his front pocket. His fingers curled around the object he’d yanked out. Whatever it was, it was tiny, completely eclipsed by his fingers.

“What is it?” I asked. When he opened his hand, a thin multicolored string fell between his fingers. I took it, turning the string bracelet over and over. I could see where the doctors had cut it off in the ER, where Josh had tried to piece it back together.

“Where did you get this?” I asked.

“I looked for it when I got to the hospital, to see which one of you had it on, but they’d cut it off. There was a pile of your stuff in the hall … both your things. I went through it and took it.”

“Why?”

Josh shrugged. “I wanted it.”

I handed it back to him and held out my wrist. “No, give me your foot,” he said as he knelt down in the wet grass. I felt his hands on my ankle. They were shaking like mine. “I did the best I could to fix the strings they cut in the ER,” he said as he tied off the last knot. “I know it’s not perfect, and I’ll buy matching ones for our wrists tomorrow, but I want you to wear it anyway.”

The tears I’d seen moments earlier were gone, his eyes now full of nervous anticipation. “I’ve missed you,” he said, and stood up, his hands toying with the damp strands of hair falling around my face. He was so close, close enough that I could see the flecks of gray in his green eyes.

“I have waited forever to do this, Ella, and I nearly lost you twice in the process.”

I suppose I should’ve waited for him, let Josh close those final two inches between us. But my stomach twisted in anticipation, my mind close to freezing up. I had waited for that moment for so long, had dreamed about it.

Ignoring my fear, I reached up and ran my hands through his hair, tugging gently until he got my hint. I didn’t want to wait anymore. I didn’t want to lose another second to fear or uncertainty.

He stopped as his lips met mine, his words whispered across my breath. “I love you, Ella Lawton. If you believe in nothing else, I need you to believe in that.”

I shook my head as he tried to swipe at my tears with his nose. I wanted to cry. I needed to cry. For the past, for the future, for him.

“And I love you, too.” Those words were an extension of me, every syllable of their meaning saving me from myself.

I heard rather than saw the car come to a stop, the tires screeching to a halt as the car door opened. They didn’t bother to turn the engine off or shut their doors. They got out and ran those few short steps to where I stood.

Josh grabbed my hand, probably afraid that I’d bolt. I wouldn’t. They already knew; the simple note I’d left them was still in my mom’s hand.

They looked so different, sad and hopeful at the same time. Mom smiled, the first true display of happiness I’d seen from her in weeks, and it was for me. Dad mouthed my name, my real name, then nodded. They knew who I was, what I’d done, and they’d come to find me anyway.

“Hi.” It seemed like such a silly way to start the conversation, but it was the only thing I could think of, the one word that solidified in the jumbled mess of emotions pouring out of me.

“This is Ella. Ella, these are your parents,” Josh said, and I laughed at the insanely sweet way he tried to smooth out the tense silence that surrounded us.

Dad chuckled, too, then held out his hand in a mock gesture of greeting. “Nice to have you back. I’m your father and this lovely lady standing next to me is your mom.”