The Secrets We Keep(63)

“Hey, Bailey,” I said as I ruffled his fur. “You recognized me from the start. Nobody else did but you.”

He nuzzled my hand and rolled over, looking for me to scratch his belly. I reached for the box of treats Mom hadn’t moved from my nightstand. I hid the entire box underneath the comforter. If he could get at it, then they were his, my gift for making him suffer this past month without me. “I’ll see you in a little bit, buddy. You stay here and find your treats.”

I left him there pawing through my bed and went back into Maddy’s room to grab my wallet. I stopped midstep when I saw a dress wrapped in clear plastic lying on the bed. There was an alteration slip attached with a pick-up date of today. No wonder I couldn’t find the dress Maddy had bought for the Snow Ball. She’d taken it to be fitted the week before she died.

It was short and black, and there was a brand-new pair of heels sitting next to it. On top of the dress was a note from Mom instructing me to try it on in case it needed to be re-altered. I knew what she was getting at. I was thinner than before the accident, had been eating less.

I put down the note and picked up the silver box next to the dress. Inside was a pair of diamond earrings and a matching pendant. I recognized them. Grammy had given them to my mom before she died.

Maddy’s shoe box collection of memories was still in the closet, where I’d left it, the ones about Molly still tucked beneath the mattress. I reached to get them and pulled out every reference to Molly. I tore them into a million pieces and tossed them in the trash, then flushed the pills down the toilet. I never wanted Mom and Dad to find out what Maddy had done, never wanted their image of her tainted in any way. But that wasn’t in my hands anymore. That was up to Molly, and no matter what she decided to do with the information I’d handed her, I’d stand beside her, be the kind of friend she deserved.

I walked into my parents’ room to leave them a note. Last time I was there, Mom had my drawings scattered across her floor. They were still there, but now stacked neatly on Dad’s nightstand. I sifted through them until I found my favorite. It was a drawing of the tire swing that hung in Josh’s backyard. The rope was tattered, the tire barely there, but I loved that swing.

I turned the sketch over, my hands hovering over the blank page, unsure of what to write. A plain I’m sorry seemed too simplistic; the truth too complicated. What I finally settled on was this:

I’m Ella

I left the note on my parents’ bed, where I knew Mom would find it. She’d have questions for me when I got home, ones I had no idea how to answer. But I would, I would tell them everything and then pray they’d find a way to forgive me.

There was no going back. I knew telling my parents I wasn’t Maddy would destroy them. Mom needed Maddy, not Ella … not the quiet, independent Ella who always shut them out. But I couldn’t do it anymore, couldn’t get up every morning and fight to be someone I wasn’t, someone I’d never wanted to be.

And Josh, well, I was pretty sure I’d messed that up. But at the end of the day, he had Kim. She was simple and loyal and tried so hard to please him. She could make him happy in a way I never could.





41

It was always cold and damp. No matter what day I came or what the sky looked like when I left the house, it always seemed to be cold and wet here. Maybe it was an omen. More likely just typical November weather in Rhode Island.

The granite marker bearing my name glistened in the rain, like tiny jewels reflecting a light that wasn’t there. It reminded me of Maddy, of the bangles and sparkly accessories she always wore. Even in death, buried six feet below a tombstone engraved with the wrong name, she found a way to shine through, making this morbid place her own.

I closed my eyes and counted to five before speaking the words I’d been holding back for so long. “I’m Ella. I’m not you. I never could be you. I never wanted to be you. I tried … for you, I tried, but I can’t do it anymore.”

Relief and pain fought for control, those simple words a torturous reminder of what I’d done. Sighing, I closed my eyes and surrendered to the truth. That was what I wanted. That was what I’d been struggling to say since the second I realized I wasn’t my sister and never could be.

“I. Am. Ella. Lawton.” I said it again, reveling in the sound of my own name, the sense of complete peace it brought.

A warm hand grazed my shoulder, and I gasped. I’d thought I was alone, thought I had more time to practice my confession before I actually came clean to the rest of the world.

“Hey, Ella,” she said. “It’s nice to meet you, officially that is.”

Molly held out her hand and I took it, not sure what else I was supposed to do. “I was telling the truth in the cafeteria. I’m really not Maddy,” I said, confused as to why she wasn’t angry with me, wasn’t calling me demented and insane for impersonating my dead sister.

“I know. The entire school knows. You pretty much told them all in the cafeteria today.”

“Why are you here? How did you know I was here?” I had expected Josh to come looking for me. He wasn’t in the cafeteria when I apologized to Molly and Alex, but I figured it wouldn’t have taken long for the news to reach him. I even secretly wished my parents would come find me once they got home and saw my note. But I never imagined it’d be Molly, the girl whose life my sister had nearly destroyed.