The Secrets We Keep(44)

“Answer me, Ella! Do you honestly think that your parents didn’t … don’t love you? That our group of friends wouldn’t have spent two days in the hall waiting for you? That if everybody had a vote on who died that night, they would have chosen you over Maddy?”

I nodded. What else was I supposed to think?

Josh stood up and slammed his fist into the wall. Then he laughed, this broken cackle that had my emotions doing a complete one-eighty … going from guilt-ridden and confused to as irate as him.

“What’s so funny?”

“You are.” His amusement faded, the resentment I’d seen seconds ago slipping back into place. “They had to sedate your mom when she found out you were gone. That’s why Alex was sitting with you. Not because he loved Maddy or wanted to be there, but because your dad made him, told him not to leave your side until he could get your mother under control and could come back and sit with you himself.”

“That’s not true,” I said. There was no way that could be true. Mom adored Maddy. She went to her field hockey games, every one of them. She had pictures of Maddy lining her bureau and went out of her way to buy the healthy crap Maddy insisted on eating.

“And you know that how? You were out of it, Ella. For two days. You have no idea what went on. Take a good look at your mother now. You think she’s happier believing Maddy is the one who survived? Are you saying that if she had a choice, your mom would’ve chosen your sister over you? If you honestly believe that, then you’re an idiot.”

“She did everything, everything for Maddy!” I yelled.

“Because you wouldn’t let her do anything for you.”

I flinched at his words. I didn’t believe him. My parents, the kids at school, Alex, everybody loved Maddy more than me.

“This summer, when your mom wanted to get a family picture at the beach, what did you say?”

I remembered that. Mom had brought Josh along so that he could take the picture. I was angry about Dad refusing to let me drive to Savannah with Josh to see some art schools. I told them I didn’t want to be in their family picture. Eventually Mom stopped arguing with me and handed me the camera, telling me to take the picture. I did, and now there was a picture of my parents and Maddy, without me, sitting on the mantel.

“How about the art exhibit at school last spring, the one where they displayed the sketch you were submitting to the national First Art Program. Why wasn’t your mom there? Why weren’t either of your parents there?”

I shook my head instead of answering. They weren’t there because I never told them about it.

“Did you ever tell them you won?” he asked.

“Yes.” They’d found out two weeks later when the award and scholarship money came in the mail. Mom cried, and said she didn’t understand why I would hide this from them, that I should be proud of what I’d accomplished and not hide it. Dad stomped around in silence.

“How about RISD? Do they know you applied early decision there?”

“No,” I whispered. They didn’t know about my application to art school. I’d just plugged Mom’s e-mail address into the designated spot and sent it off, figuring I’d tell her and Dad if and when I got accepted.

“They didn’t do anything for you because you made it pretty clear you didn’t want their help,” Josh said as he walked toward his door. He stopped with his hand on the knob, didn’t look back as he spoke. “And as for nobody loving you, you are wrong there, too. I loved you. I would have chosen you.”

He didn’t give me a chance to respond. He just walked out. Left me sitting there staring after him, stunned and completely unable to move.





28

I hadn’t considered Josh’s feelings when I made my decision to become Maddy. I didn’t consider a whole lot of things. It’s not like I planned on becoming my sister. I just never corrected anybody when they assumed that’s who I was.

With everybody beyond thrilled that she was alive, it had seemed easier to play along.

Distantly, I heard the front door slam shut, Josh’s mother calling out after him. Knowing Josh, he was probably heading to the movie theater. He’d sneak in the exit door to watch whatever was playing, hiding out in the back row until he calmed down.

I stood up, wanting nothing more than to go with him. It didn’t matter what was playing. It wasn’t about actually watching the movie, but becoming invisible for a while. With him. But that was no longer an option for me. I had to go home, do a crappy job on my homework, then spend hours searching through fashion magazines so I could put together a Maddyesque-type outfit for school tomorrow.

I grabbed the pile of my wet clothes and toyed for half a second with the idea of putting them back on. But Josh’s clothes were soft and warm, and for once, I wanted to be comfortable.

The house was quiet, the only noise coming from the kitchen. His mother’s voice drifted over the sound of the oven timer and cupboards being opened and closed. She was talking to Josh’s dad, or trying to at least. She’d gotten his voice mail, was asking him to call Josh when he landed and to figure out what was going on.

Quietly, I made my way through the living room, hoping to avoid any contact with Mrs. Williams. I’d nearly made it out of the house unnoticed, was less than half a step from the door, when I heard her call my name.