The Queen of Bright and Shiny Things(20)

“Not a problem,” Kimmy says, already texting.

We make general conversation after this, and midway through lunch, I look up to see Tara and Kenny standing by the table. They both look awkward, so I try to make whatever it is easier with a smile and a friendly “hey, guys.”

“Is it true?” Kenny asks. As usual, he has on his cherished Mario hat. Kenny is really good at two things: math and video games. He’ll probably make a million dollars before he’s thirty.

“What?”

Tara bites her lip. “That you dumped Ryan to be with Lila.”


Ha-ha, OMG. I feel a burning desire to put my head down on the scarred table and laugh. This has been a busy week, what with the fake boyfriend and the fake girlfriend, when I’ve never had a real date. Somehow, I restrain the mild hysteria. I hope people aren’t as mean to us as they were Jon Summers. But maybe it’s only horrible to be gay in this town if you’re a guy. Two girls together, on the other hand, might be considered hot. I hate that double standard so much.

“Nope. Don’t tell me you bought into the rumor mill.” I cock a brow at them.

“I knew it was crap,” Tara says.

“So … we were wondering,” Kenny adds.

“Yes?” Lila looks tremendously amused.

“Can we sit with you, every other lunch period?” Tara asks in a rush.

“Not every day?” I wonder aloud.

Kenny grins. “Nah. Even if he’s been a grumpy ass lately, we’re not ditching Ryan. We thought you guys could share custody.”

“This is so adorable, I could barf.” Lila is choking on her fries.

“It’s cool with me if Mel, Kimmy, Theo, and Shanna don’t mind.” I cast an inquiring look at the sophomores who have first claim on the table.

“Not a problem,” Mel decides.

Lila sighs. “This is starting to feel like a babysitting job.”

“You can walk away anytime. My broken heart will mend.” I grin at her, seeing the ridiculous in our situation.

She laughs.

“It’s not that I mind people thinking we’re together,” I say later, walking with Lila back to our lockers. “On principle. But you might like someone, and if they think you’re taken…”

That’s exactly what Ryan did to me.

“They won’t ask me out,” she finishes. “There is someone, but he’s emotionally unavailable at the moment. So, not a big deal.”

“This crap is so complicated,” I mumble.

She grins. “Should I put my arm around you to fuel the rumors?”

“Only if you want them never to die.”

In a school this size, she and I will be lesbians forever to some people, even now, just from a mean joke Dylan Smith made to some football buddies. Man, what is wrong with people? If Lila and I were really struggling, the looks, snickers, and whispered jokes would be unbearable. High school really is hell. I think of Jon Summers and I want to get back at the ones who drove him to it. I know how. It’s hard not to imagine all the ways I could make them sorry.

But I’m not like that anymore. I don’t do bad things.

They can hurt me only if I let them, right? And I’m used to people laughing at me. If I didn’t have a certain level of fortitude, I’d have given up on the Post-its long ago.

I head to chem, leaving an encouraging note on a locker along the way. Ryan’s already there with the day’s project ready to go. He looks tired, eyes red behind his glasses, like he’s not sleeping well. Because I’m mad at him, I don’t want to feel a pang of remorse. If I forgive him now, I can stop flailing around looking for a new life. But looking at him hurts. I’m not ready to spend Friday nights watching movies, pretending nothing’s changed. When everything has.

“You look beautiful,” he says, as I sit down.

I push out a pained breath. “Thanks. Can we focus on the work, please?”

“I miss you.” He ignores my request, like I don’t know what I need. It’s only been since Friday, one weekend, two school days. Only in his mind is this a long time.

“Ryan, don’t make me ask for a new partner.” I totally will; it’s not a bluff.

“Right. Sorry.” His face shuts down, and this time, I participate fully in the experiment.

I can’t sit and watch because that’s not okay anymore; since I’m not giving him the support I used to, I can’t coast on his work. Probably, I shouldn’t have done that before. I’ve let Ryan handle too many things for me in the past few years. I told myself it was fine because we were like two sides of a coin or something, but it was really just me letting go of the reins.

After school, I hit Shane’s two last classes, and then I have a full list of his assignments, plus his address. Are you really gonna just show up at his house? It’s so unlike me. I don’t know what I’ll say, how I’ll explain it so I don’t come off like a total headcase, but I don’t even care. Hopefully he’ll be glad to see me, or happy not to fall behind on his homework. He said he couldn’t afford more trouble and bad grades qualify for most people, though it’s not the kind that gets you sent to juvie.

Lila’s not at her locker when I get to mine after making my rounds. She probably got a ride home in the gray van today. Just as well. I’d hate to explain why I look like I’m about to vomit all over my shoes. Shouldering my backpack, I head out to the bike rack, where mine is the last one still chained up. Feeling like a spy, I ride over to the library to check the directions. I have his address, and I know it’s out in the country, but I’m not sure how far.