The Lesbiana's Guide to Catholic School(20)

Not being the only gay girl at school should make me feel better, but it doesn’t. What if Bo knows? I feel like she knows. Because gay people have the most solid gaydars, right? Besides me, I guess. Maybe it works better when you’re not in denial.

If I had a better gaydar, maybe I could have avoided all this to begin with.

That gives me déjà vu. Bianca said that to me—that she would have avoided being friends if she’d known. The thought makes me sick. No, I wouldn’t have avoided it. I want to be friends with Bo. Lord knows I need some decent friends. I’ll just have to throw off her gaydar somehow.

“No, I’m not friends with Jenna and them.” I cut into the conversation before Bo implodes, or I do. “I can’t stand them, to be honest.”

“Right?” Amber says. “They’re the worst.”

“Karen is a bitch, but they’re not all bad. I used to play volleyball with them, before I quit,” Bo says to me, her face still all blotchy. “Jenna and Emily were always nice to me.”

“So anyways,” Amber says, seemingly eager to change the subject. “Tell us about yourself, new best friend!”

“Um, I . . .” I can’t think of anything. “I . . . uh—”

“Well, don’t put her on the spot like that.” David laughs at my brain malfunctioning, then leans forward, rubs the small patch of stubble on his chin, and proceeds to tell me all three of their life stories. They all seem weirdly open about their personal business.

Bo is adopted, and her parents are white. Her family is “Catholic,” but they never go to church. Bo and Amber have been going to Catholic school their entire lives. David went to public school like me until his freshman year, when he got a scholarship to Slayton, and his mom jumped at the opportunity for him to get a better education. He says “better education” in finger quotes, like he’s not convinced. He has to drive even farther than me and Cesar to get here, since he lives on the res. The entire time, he and Amber sit super close together and kind of give me couple-y vibes, but they’re supposedly Not a Thing (yet?), according to Amber.

“Almost everyone here is Catholic,” David says, “but I’m an atheist.” I watch him in awe. “What?” he asks, and I realize my jaw dropped.

“Just waiting for you to burst into flames in front of the Jesus statue.”

Amazingly, he laughs without catching fire.

I grew up Catholic, but I don’t exactly agree with everything the faith preaches. As far as a higher power goes, I have no idea what I believe in. That Catholic guilt still messes me up, though. If there’s a hell, I’m definitely going there. I’m actually pretty terrified of that.

Seeing how open they are with me makes me feel a little more at ease. And as long as I ask a question every now and then, I keep the attention off myself. I usually do a lot more listening than talking, and I don’t intend to change that. I like this group. So far. It’s cool getting to know them, but they don’t need to know me like that. Bo being out doesn’t change the fact that I can’t slip up here. I’m not Bo, and it would be naive of me to think I could be myself the way she can and get the same treatment.

The next week, Mom has her usual Wednesday late day, and Cesar has after-school detention, so we’ll get home even later than usual. I was annoyed but also a little relieved when I found out his detention was just for sleeping in class again. I’m guessing he was up late talking to some new girl again, which is preferable to the alternative. If he was getting into fights already, all this would be for nothing.

I really wish he wouldn’t get detention on Mom’s late days, though. We get home so late as it is, and I don’t appreciate having to wait out in the Arizona sun for an hour. I would wait in the library, but Karen and her boyfriend are in there, and I’d rather choke on a Cheez-It than deal with her. Cesar said I could leave without him, but Mom would kill me if she ever found out I left him here. Who am I kidding, she’d kill me if she found out he got detention in the first place. I’d get in more trouble than Cesar, but what am I supposed to do? March into his class banging pots and pans to wake him up?

I sit at a table in the courtyard and do homework while I wait for him to get out. It’s September, which is basically June part four here, so it’s still hot as balls. I guess it’s better today than on a day Mom would actually notice. I’ll just tell her the rail was delayed. Believable, honestly.

Emily walks up to my table and stands awkwardly.

She clears her throat and nervously brushes a piece of dark brown hair behind her ear. “Hi . . .”

“Hey,” I say flatly, with stink-eye.

“I want to say sorry for what Karen and Jenna said last week. About your earrings. It was rude and insensitive.” She clasps her hands behind her back and leans forward, like she wants me to say something.

“And racist,” I add.

She nods. “And racist, yeah. It really shouldn’t have happened. I talked to them, though. And I think they get it now.”

“Oh, um, thanks,” I say, relaxing the stink-eye.

She smiles and walks off to the parking lot without another word. I’m not used to people apologizing to me, so I don’t know how to feel. I guess I can be cool with Emily. I don’t need to be cool with Jenna and Karen, though.