The Lesbiana's Guide to Catholic School(19)

I process that for a second, then start laughing. She fidgets under the sound of my laugh, giving me a confused look. I was a fool to think she cared about me. Not just now, but ever. If she cared, she wouldn’t have done what she did.

“Okay, well, bye,” she says, and shuts the door.

Once it’s closed, I kick over the talavera pots and stomp on the flowers over and over again. I don’t discriminate between the ones I planted and the ones she did without me. I came here for closure, but all I feel is a hole in my chest. I fill the void by stomping on the potted soil until I can’t feel my foot.

The next day, I still feel lost. I would have gone outside for lunch, but it’s a hundred degrees and I’m not trying to go into class all sweaty. I could probably sit with Cesar and Hunter and their other popular senior friends who are somehow both nerds and jocks at the same time. I know he would try to get me to make friends with them. Everyone here seems to love my brother, so I’m sure they’d welcome me. Hunter’s nice, too, but I can only handle so much testosterone at one lunch table. And I don’t want Cesar feeling bad for me that I can’t make my own friends.

Looking around, I have to consciously avoid looking at Jenna’s table, because I don’t want to slip up and make eye contact with any of them. Then I’d have to give them stink-eye to make sure they know how I feel about them. It would just be awkward, and I don’t have the time or energy today.

Then there’s Bo’s intoxicating laugh from across the cafeteria. She throws her head back from the powerful force of her own laughter. And I find myself drifting closer, but I stop myself. I’m almost positive she’s gay. If I sat with her, would everyone else be positive I’m gay?

No, gaydars don’t work like that. Besides, I have a terrible one. I was sure Bianca was into me before I came out to her, and I couldn’t have been more wrong. So maybe Bo isn’t even gay! It’s not like I’m crushing on Bo or anything, though she could be potential crush material. If I was going to be catching any crushes here. Which I’m not.

Shit. How long have I been staring? Judging by the fact that she’s smiling and waving at me, she probably isn’t too weirded out. There’s no turning back now, so I walk over.

“Hey, Yamilet! Do you know David and Amber?” Bo asks me. She says my name right.

“I know you, we have religion together!” Amber says. I’ve seen her, but we haven’t talked. She’s a thick white girl with curly blond hair. The teacher in that class doesn’t give us a whole lot of time for socializing. Honestly, religion class would actually be cool if we learned about any religion besides Catholicism.

“You’re Cesar’s sister, right? Everyone says he’s my long-lost twin.” David laughs, throwing his hands up in a who knows why kind of gesture. He has art class with me, Bo, and Hunter, so I’ve seen him before. Cesar told me about his “twin.” I guess I can sort of see how they maybe look a little bit alike? I mean, they’re both shortish Brown guys with similar body types. Other than that, though, there’s not much of a resemblance.

“I guess that makes us family!” I’m sitting next to him, so I give him a little side hug.

“Sister!” He hugs me back like we’ve always known each other.

“People say that? I don’t see it,” Bo says, squinting over at Cesar’s table.

“It’s racism,” Amber says through a cough.

I’m kind of relieved someone else said it. It’s much safer when the white girl is the one to point it out.

“Well, I’m Amber. Bo’s best friend since kindergarten.” She throws an arm around Bo, who flinches at the contact. Now I see what Jenna meant about jumpiness being cute. I shun the thought. I don’t want to think about Jenna . . . or Bo being cute.

But something tugs at my chest, and I think I’m a little jealous? Because Bo is gay—probably—and she has a best friend since kindergarten who stuck with her.

“David is our other best friend, since freshman year.” Amber puts her other arm around David. “You can be our best friend, too, if you want.” She smiles. And I know I’m supposed to be more careful about getting too close to Bo, but I can’t help but like her and her friends. Especially after the way she stood up for me in class yesterday, whether or not she knew that’s what she was doing by protesting that gay rights debate. I feel the need to show my gratitude.

“So, Bo . . . I just wanted to say thanks for yesterday. For what you said in class.”

She gives me a weak smile. Like she gets that a lot. Like she’s disappointed I didn’t back her up. That no one did. I can’t help but feel guilty about it.

“So, you’re not friends with Jenna and them anymore?” Bo changes the subject. She’s looking at her food instead of at me.

“Come on, Bo, I thought you were over her!” David playfully nudges Bo’s shoulder, but she doesn’t laugh.

“I am! I mean—I was never under her!” Bo’s cheeks are turning a blotchy red. I wouldn’t blame her if she had a crush on Jenna. I could have almost caught one before she revealed her whole self with that “ghetto” comment.

“I’m not buying that for one second,” Amber says. Jeez, they’re putting all her business out there for me.

“Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I like Jenna.” Bo whispers Jenna’s name so no one outside our group hears. So Bo is gay, and she’s okay with me knowing. Hearing Bo say it out loud sends me into an existential crisis. My heart beats quicker, trying to catch up with my racing thoughts and internal squealing. Inevitably, I miss the rest of their argument.