The Fragile Ordinary(48)

Stevie and I had little in common and he was definitely rough around the edges. But he was funny, and he seemed as good-natured as Tobias said he was. My whole life I’d grown up in school with Stevie Macdonald and I’d never once thought to look beneath the surface. Instead I’d stuck my nose in the air where he was concerned, telling myself I was better than him because I didn’t hang around with a group of delinquents, mocking people, shoplifting and taking the piss at school.

When I searched my brain, I’d never actually seen Stevie openly bully anyone. It was always Jimmy and Forrester and the idiots that trailed after them. Yet I’d blamed Stevie anyway. I still didn’t think it was right that he stood by and let them treat people that way, but who was I to judge? It was hard to stand up to your friends when they were the only thing you had.

I knew that better than anyone.

So I made the decision right there and then to give Stevie the chance Tobias wanted me to. For Tobias I would have done it anyway. But getting to know Stevie, seeing that beneath the bravado and cheekiness was a nice guy with a crappy home life, I did it for me and Stevie, too.

Because maybe Tobias was right. Maybe if you took a chance on people, rather than writing them off before getting to know them, reality could be fun.

That night in the pub was fun. It was easy. It’s how I imagined friendship should be.

*

The Halloween dance came and went, and was just one more reason for distance between Steph and Vicki. They didn’t even talk about it in front of me, assuming I’d been locked in my bedroom reading. Alone.

The truth was I had been in my bedroom, but I hadn’t been alone. I’d been hanging out with Tobias and Stevie.

Since his discovery of our friendship, Stevie had kept our secret. He and Tobias acted the same around me at school—meaning they pretty much ignored me outside of class. However, since his discovery, Tobias and I had seen less of each other, too. He was hanging around with the boys more again, and when I did spend time with him Stevie usually tagged along.

The timing was suspect.

After all, the last time Tobias and I had been alone, we’d almost kissed.

I tried to reassure myself that it didn’t have to do with our almost kiss. That it most probably had to do with the fact that Tobias and his mum had moved into their own place a few weeks ago. Tobias said Lena had been waiting on the settlement money from his dad’s estate. Once they had it she’d moved them into a much nicer neighborhood. Which meant Stevie and Tobias were merely hanging out all the time because they no longer lived together.

And despite that sounding completely rational, I couldn’t help but fear it was more about the almost kiss and an attempt to avoid another mouth-to-mouth incident happening.

Dejected, but attempting not to be, I tried to move on from the moment, but every time I got to a scene in a book where the main characters gave in to their attraction to one another, I’d close my eyes and imagine what it might have been like if Stevie hadn’t interrupted us.

Would Tobias have given me the kind of kiss I’d been waiting on my whole life...or would kissing just turn out to be a disappointing fiasco?

Part of me wasn’t sure I even wanted Tobias and me to become a reality, because I loved daydreaming about him. I loved longing for him. It made every day more exciting. I’d sit during biology and imagine getting a bathroom pass and on my way to the toilet someone would haul me into a broom closet. That someone would turn out to be Tobias, and he’d tell me he just couldn’t go on another minute without confessing how he felt about me. And then he’d pull me into his arms and kiss the life out of me.

Sometimes in the daydreams we were already dating and he’d get jealous I was spending time with someone else or I’d get jealous he was flirting with Jess Reed and he’d have to beg and plead with me to forgive him. I basically made up little novellas about us as a couple in my head.

The truth was I worried that Tobias and me, the reality of us, couldn’t live up to the fictional us I’d created.

Maybe he was right to put some distance between us.

I was thinking all this as he wandered off to the bathroom, leaving me and Stevie alone in my room. Although I was more comfortable with Stevie, I wasn’t anywhere near as relaxed around him as I was with Tobias. I stared around my room, trying to think of something to say.

“It’s a bit weird yer parents havnae come tae check on us,” he suddenly said from his position slouched on my armchair.

I shrugged. “They’re a bit self-involved.”

“Aye?” He made a face. “I get that. Ma da is a selfish bastard.”

Not knowing if it was polite to ask about his criminal father or not, my expression turned sympathetic.

“He’s in prison,” Stevie offered. “For nickin’ cars.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Aye, well.” He blew out a breath, suddenly looking exhausted. “Stupid fuckwit. Should be at hame, helpin’ us. Especially with ma mum...”

My earlier concern for Stevie came flooding back. He still hadn’t put on the weight he’d lost and he didn’t have warmer clothes. With Carole distracted by some unknown illness and Kieran, and Lena and Tobias no longer there, who was taking time to look after Stevie? On that thought, I sprang off my bed and opened my closet. After a visit to the poetry café the other day, while Tobias and Stevie were off doing who knew what with their friends, I’d spotted something for Stevie in a sports shop on my way home.