The Fragile Ordinary(39)
I crashed into the nearest girls’ bathroom, thanking God it was empty, and locked myself in a stall. Tears spilled down my cheeks and I swiped at them angrily.
Fighting for calm, I took deep, slow breaths. Eventually the tears stopped, my breathing returned to normal and with it my sense returned. My overreaction to seeing him flirt with another girl was a wake-up call!
I didn’t want to be one of those girls who became so obsessed with a boy that nothing else mattered. That wasn’t me before Tobias and I’d burn my entire collection off Irregular Choice shoes before I let it happen to me now. There was more for me to worry about than if Tobias King fancied someone else. And what did it matter anyway? Come graduation, I was gone! I would hopefully be on my way to Virginia, and nothing and no one was getting in the way of that dream. Which brought me back to the things I needed to be focused on—like finding extracurricular activities to become involved in for college applications. To stop ignoring Mr. Stone’s advice to be brave with my writing and poetry. And to find a way to mend the breach in my friendship with Vicki who had been there for me long before Tobias ever was.
Tobias King was a problem and not just because of my unrequited crush.
Maybe it was time to reevaluate our friendship.
*
The shame I’d felt earlier that day in the girls’ restroom returned as I sat listening to Vicki and Steph talk about the school show during lunch in the cafeteria.
Tobias liked me for me.
But did he?
He wasn’t the one sitting with me at lunch every day. Vicki and Steph were. They hadn’t abandoned me. Well, sometimes they went to Nana’s without me, but most of the time they ate in the cafeteria with me.
I was mortified by my behavior. Ashamed that I’d let us drift apart. Especially Vicki, when I knew she needed my friendship more than ever. I waited until Steph left the table to grab another soda to ask Vicki, “How are things with your mum and dad?”
Vicki blinked at the seemingly random question. I knew it sounded like it came out of nowhere, but I didn’t want my friend to think I didn’t care about her life anymore. She shrugged, giving me a sad little smile. “They still disagree about my future.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I just hate being the reason for them arguing, you know?”
“I know.” I reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “You know I’m here if you ever need to talk.”
“Yeah?” She cocked her head and studied me. “Why don’t we talk about why every day for the last few weeks you haven’t been able to keep your eyes off Stevie’s crew? Anything to do with a certain American?”
The thought of anyone knowing how much I liked Tobias—even if it was Vicki—made my body lock with tension. I removed my hand from hers, withdrawing into myself. “Of course not. I didn’t realize I was looking at Stevie all the time. They bug me. You know that.”
Anger flashed in Vicki’s eyes. “Right. Sure.”
I flinched at her sarcasm.
Thankfully, Steph returned and I could pretend there wasn’t this awful distance between me and Vicki. I struggled to find something to say to my friends that they’d want to hear or talk about, and then I remembered they were going to another party at the weekend.
“Are you guys looking forward to Ryan’s birthday party?” I said, hopeful that my interest would ease the tension between us.
Steph grinned and opened her mouth to answer but Vicki beat her to it.
“Why do you care?” she practically snarled. “It’s not like you’re going.”
She might as well have slapped me.
Even Steph shot her a horrified, confused look.
As for me, I just stared at her, stunned, wondering when our friendship had gone so terribly wrong. As tears stung my eyes for the second time that day, I scraped back my chair, letting my hair fall over my face. “I just remembered I need to get something from the library. I’ll see you later.”
*
But I didn’t see them later, and the next day I was deliberately late to school, missing form class. I opted to walk home for lunch, and in English I refused to lift my head out of my copy of The Cone Gatherers by Robin Jenkins. We’d moved on from Hamlet this week, and I loved Mr. Stone’s choice of literature this semester because I hadn’t read it.
In that moment, however, the book was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to be anywhere but there.
“Hey,” Tobias said as he settled into his chair next to me. His arm brushed mine as he pressed in close. “Why did you cancel last night? You okay?”
Yesterday I’d texted Tobias to tell him I couldn’t meet up with him, but I hadn’t given him an explanation. I’d been hoping—
The truth was I didn’t know what I was hoping. I was conflicted. Part of me wanted Tobias to just forget about me so I could forget about him, but the other half of me hated the idea of losing his friendship.
“I’m fine,” I mumbled. “Just tired.”
“Com, look at me.”
Not wanting to, but knowing enough of Tobias now to know he was dogged when he wanted something, I unwillingly lifted my gaze to meet his. He frowned at whatever he saw in my expression. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened. I told you. I’m tired.” I looked down at my book and didn’t utter another word for the rest of class. Not even when Tobias tried to crack jokes under his breath that would normally have had me repressing giggles and kicking his shin beneath our desk.