Shut Out(38)

“Ugh. Who would?” Chloe slipped off her sandals and positioned them neatly on the front mat, just the way I liked. “But whatever. Enough chitchat. You have, like, twenty girls showing up here in about four hours, and we have a lot to talk about and work to do before they get here.”

“Wait. What? Twenty girls? You mean they’re still coming?”

But Chloe was already halfway up the stairs to my bedroom.

I glanced toward Dad, who’d wheeled his chair into the doorway between the kitchen and the living room. I shrugged my shoulders, and he just smiled at me. “I’ll order pizza tonight,” he said. “Go have fun.”

“Thanks, Dad.” And I ran upstairs after Chloe.





chapter seventeen


“So why didn’t you tell me?” Chloe asked, perching on the edge of my bed as I folded a fresh load of laundry and put the clothes into my drawers.

“How was I supposed to tell you? I didn’t know he was cheating on me, either.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

I knew that, but I didn’t want to answer her real question.

“Lissa, how could you be a virgin? I mean, like… I thought you and Randy had been banging forever.”

“You make it sound so romantic.”

“Stop avoiding the question,” she insisted. “I’m dead serious. How could you lie to me?”

“I didn’t exactly lie,” I told her, bumping the open drawer shut with my hip. “I just never elaborated on the details of my sex life. I mean, we did other stuff.” I had to fight off a blush so Chloe wouldn’t make fun of me. “And anyway, I didn’t want to catch hell about it. I didn’t want anyone else to know that I was… scared. And I figured my secret was safe with Randy because he’d be embarrassed about the fact that he couldn’t get into my pants or whatever…. So much for that plan.”

“You’re scared? Like… of sex?”

I wondered if my cheeks were as red as they felt now. “Yes, I guess I am.”

Chloe cocked her head to one side and stared at me the same way you’d stare at a three-legged lion in the zoo.

“God, Chloe, don’t look at me like that. See, this is why I didn’t tell you.”

“Sorry,” she said. “I’m just… surprised. It’s weird. Sex was never scary to me.” She paused. “So what about it do you find scary? Like, penises? Because I can see how those might be a little scary. Or is it the idea that the first time hurts? Or—”

“Oh, please stop,” I said, moving to sit down beside her on the bed. “No. Nothing like that. It’s… it’s letting someone that close to me. Physically and emotionally. Randy and I got close a few times, but… I chickened out. I’m afraid of letting someone have that kind of power over me. Not being in control is what scares me.”

“Wow,” Chloe said. “I’d never thought about it like that. See, for me, it’s the opposite.”

“What do you mean?”

“It makes me feel like I am in control,” she explained. “Like, I don’t know. I started fooling around a lot after my dad moved out, which makes me sound like I have lame daddy issues, but whatever. I wasn’t looking for pity; I was looking for something I could do on my own. Something I could own. My parents were dividing up all of their shit and fighting over stuff, and I couldn’t do a thing about it. Then Mom and I had to move into our shitty apartment, and I felt like I had nothing. Nothing but my body. It’s the one thing I can control. For me, sex is my way of taking control of my body. I’m in charge. Don’t psychoanalyze me on all that or say you’re sorry about my family or anything. That’s not what I want. I just… I think it’s kind of interesting how we look at it so differently.”

“It is, I guess.” I sighed and leaned my head on her shoulder. “I hate boys.”

“I miss boys.”

Chloe helped me get the house ready for the next few hours. Once my room was clean, we dug out the chips and sodas I’d bought a few days earlier. I organized the cans of soda on my desk: diet to the left, caffeine-free in the middle, and regular on the right. I also wanted to arrange the chips, which Chloe had spread out on top of my dresser, but she restrained me.

“So I asked around about The Blonde,” she said, sitting down on my bed once the room was completely slumber party–ready. “She’s a sophomore. Her name is Autumn Elliot. What the hell kind of name is Autumn? Why don’t they just call her Fall or The Depressing Season When Everything Starts to Die.”

“It’s a pretty name, Chloe.”

“Fine,” she huffed. “But getting your freak on in a public bathroom? Who does that?”

“Um, Chloe…”

“Okay, fine. I’ve done that.” She flicked her hair over her shoulder. “Jesus, Lissa, help me out here. I’m trying to console you, but you’re making it difficult.”

“It’s all right,” I told her. “You don’t have to say anything. Especially not about her. I don’t hate her. She’s not the one who betrayed me.”

“True…. But her dress was really, really ugly.”

“Chloe!” I laughed.