Riding With Brighton(57)

“I don’t know; morbid curiosity I guess. Is it possible that I went through that entire process in one day?” I maybe should have taken a second to think before spewing that last part. But I didn’t because I’m exhausted in the middle of the space.

“What are you saying, Jay?”

He doesn’t sound pissed off or alarmed, so I answer him truthfully. “If needing someone, if feeling like you’re not you without them means you’re in love, then, hell, it’s totally possible that I started falling in love with you today.”

“You did,” he says like it’s a fact. Like I just informed him that two plus two equals four.

“What?”

“You totally fell in love with me. Face it, Jay, you’re a hundred percent, completely, totally head-over-basketball-shoes in love with me.”

I laugh at that. “I might be, but what the hell do I know? I’ve never been in love before. I’m pretty sure it’s just an infatuation.”

“Bullshit.”

“Yeah. Bullshit. So if you were in love with him, why’d it end?”

He takes a long pull off his beer, and I can feel the tension in the air. I probably need to shut the hell up, but it’s too late for that now. Man, the stars are really pretty tonight.

“I don’t know. I guess in the beginning he was kind of like what you thought I was to you. He was living the life I thought I wanted—a successful art student who could talk intelligently about anything. He had all these worldly, interesting friends. He had all his shit together and so much confidence. It just seemed like everything was exciting and perfect, and in the beginning I wanted to be part of it.”

I cringe at his description because it’s exactly the polar opposite of my life. It’s the opposite of everything I am. “So what changed?”

“It was all bullshit. Everything about his life and his friends… it was just a facade. All those people were so pretentious and stuck-up and high on themselves it was just kind of disgusting. And Harrison was like that too. And then he started wanting me to change. He hated coming here. He hated the country. He hated spending time with my family. He thought it was all boring and pointless.”

“What? How could anyone think that? I mean the country thing, I guess I could see. But your life—your family—is anything but boring and pointless.”

“I know, but I started to believe him. For a few months, he had me convinced that my corner of the world didn’t matter. And then one night he had a dinner party….”

“A dinner party?”

“Exactly. All this fancy food and expensive wine and a table full of hoity hipster friends spewing all kinds of inaccurate bullshit about the issues of the world. Every time I would say something Harrison would shush me because I didn’t agree with those assholes. That night, at that table, it all became clear. Everything about his life was fake and contrived. So I left.”

“And that was it?”

“Hell no. That’s when I got to know the real him, and the real him was a psychotic, jealous, scary motherfucker.”

“Jesus, that sounds awful,” I mutter. I wasn’t expecting the story to take such a drastic turn.

“Yeah. It was awful. It was probably the most depressed I’ve ever been. I hated how vulnerable and stupid I had been. I hated how easily I changed the way I thought and the things I said for him. I hated that I thought my life, my family, my home was anything but perfect. I hated that I had been so blind. I hated that he made me not want to take a chance on anyone ever again.

“Those things I told you earlier about never dating—it was all true, but mostly I don’t date because I don’t want to go through that again. I’m scared that I’ll give part of myself up for someone again, and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to lose myself.”

“I can’t see you like that. I can’t see you ever doing anything other than exactly what you want to do. I can’t see anyone ever wanting to change any part of you. Guy sounds like a complete loser.”

“I never thought I would be willing to do any of that either. That was the scariest part. And, yeah, turns out he was a complete loser, and I didn’t even see it.”

I take my hand off his leg and lace my fingers with his. “So, do you think you’ll ever give another guy a chance? Or have you given up on love completely?”

He squeezes my hand. “I don’t know. I think some of my faith has been restored today.”

“Oh yeah?” I ask hopefully.

“Yeah. It’s weird how things are hardly ever what they appear to be. I mean, it didn’t escape me that you were hot, or that you were cool when it was just the two of us talking in class, but the things I’ve witnessed you do today, the person you turned out to be, I wouldn’t have ever guessed it. You’re pretty amazing, Jay.”

“Maybe it’s you who’s head over combat boots.”

“Maybe,” he agrees through his laughter.

“Maybe’s not good enough,” I tease him. “You want me.”

“Hell yeah.”

“You like me.”

“For sure.”

I lean down and run my tongue along the inside of his mouth. When his tongue finds mine, I pull away. “Shit,” he mutters under his breath.