Remember Jamie Baker (Jamie Baker #3)(93)
He was right, but I frowned, wondering where he was going with this.
“It’s because I treat you like you when they’re still treating you like her.”
I gasped, trying to regain some of the breath his words had just stolen from my lungs. He was one hundred percent correct, and when he put it that way, I could see the difference. He really did see me differently than the Jamie Baker he knew before. He’d always claimed he did, but I hadn’t believed him. I hadn’t seen how it was possible.
Ryan’s smile turned rueful, and he brushed his thumb across my cheek when I blushed. “Sunshine, I’ve known since you gave me my ring back and explained what it meant to you that I was not dealing with the same woman who left me. I came to terms with that about two minutes later when you asked if we could be just friends, because I realized that even though you weren’t the Jamie I’d been searching for, you were still everything I wanted in a woman.”
Oh! Oh, swoon. Curse him for being such a freaking sweet talker! I was supposed to be making him see things from my perspective right now so that he’d understand why I had to go. Instead, I was three seconds away from begging him for my engagement ring back. UGH. HOW DOES HE DO THAT?
“Ryan, I—”
He cut me off because he wasn’t finished. Obviously. Because he hadn’t said so many romantic, sweet, perfect, heart-melting things to muddle what was left of my brain for all eternity.
“Finding my fiancée hasn’t mattered to me since we landed in Colorado, because it’s not Jamie Baker I’m in love with,” he insisted. “It’s you I need. If you need to be April O’Neil, or just Angel, or someone entirely new, I don’t care. I just want you. Please, Sunshine, what else can I do to convince you of that?” I wasn’t the only one trembling now, and when he whispered his nickname for me as if I truly were the sunshine in his life, a new wave of tears spilled down my face.
It was now or never. Because, suddenly, I wanted to stay. I wanted to forget everything and give him what he wanted—me. Whoever that was. But I couldn’t, because I knew what would happen if I did that.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his. He eagerly accepted the kiss and sucked in a breath when I ended it much too soon for him. “You have convinced me, Ryan.”
He froze, waiting for me to continue. Either he really did know me that well, or he was simply too afraid to let himself believe that he’d gotten his way. I hated that I was about to crush his hope. “I believe you now. I know you love me. This me. The amnesiac me who doesn’t even know herself. And I love you for that, but—”
Ryan sucked in a breath so sharp I wondered what I’d done to hurt him. Except he didn’t look like he was in pain. His gaze fell to my mouth, and he swallowed so thickly I shivered. “You just said you love me,” he whispered.
“I—” My jaw fell open.
As I scrambled to recall the last thirty seconds of our conversation, he chuckled. The laugh was deep. Husky. He squeezed my waist and slid his hands up my back until they were tangled in my hair. “I heard it loud and clear.”
“I heard it, too!” Tyson chirped, startling me.
I’d completely forgotten we had an entire team of elite soldiers watching us. Ryan had magically sucked me into his own private world where no one existed beside him and me.
“We all heard it,” Johnny G said, grinning a smile that made my face heat up.
Geek grimaced, as if he felt sorry for me. “You definitely said it.”
I finally managed an eye roll for the ACEs, but no matter how much of my senses I’d just gained back, Ryan disarmed me all over again when I looked back into his eyes. “No takebacks,” he said, bringing back the intense mood with those two whispered words. “You love me, Jamie. Angel. April. Whoever you are.”
I think he was waiting for me to deny it, but as soon as I realized I’d said it, I knew it was true. There was no point in arguing. “You’re right. I do.”
It was nice to know that I was capable of surprising Ryan every now and then. And I’d certainly shocked him with that confession. His stunned expression was so adorable I felt compelled to surprise him even more. “I love you, Ryan. Heaven help me, but I do.”
Ryan kissed me and then grinned. “Good. Then stay with me, babe. Don’t risk your life for your memories. I promise you, we don’t need them.”
I shook my head, my good mood bleeding out of me again. “You don’t, but I do.”
Ryan’s smile crumbled. “Why? If we love each other, why do you still need her?”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. “Because I need to be free of her.” I broke away from Ryan’s hold and put a few feet of space between us. “Thank you for being able to let go of Jamie Baker and accept me as I am now. You have no idea how much that means to me. But, Ryan, I can’t let her go. I keep trying, but she haunts me. I can’t help comparing myself to a ghost. I second-guess everything I say, do, or think. I constantly feel vulnerable, confused, and just…broken. I need my past, and hearing stories isn’t enough because I hate that I can’t remember it. I’m jealous of the memories that everyone I used to know has. My memories. Maybe that’s selfish and petty, but it’s a wedge between my parents and me, and with Becky, and even with you. I’m so afraid that if I can’t let go of my past, it’ll drive me away from anyone who knew me until one day I have no one left and you and I are as bitter toward each other as Teddy and I were by the end. Ryan, I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to lose my parents or Becky, either, but you saw how it’s going with them. I need this.”