Remember Jamie Baker (Jamie Baker #3)(92)

I closed my eyes against the sting of tears. “Not to you, maybe.”

“Jamie…” Ryan’s voice was so soft it nearly made me crumble. “It won’t be like Visticorp. They aren’t going to destroy the place. We’ll comb through Donovan’s research. We’ll find the answers you’re looking for.”

“And if we can’t? He’s light years beyond us. Geek can’t even come close to cracking Teddy’s microchips. Or what if Donovan is killed in the fight? What if his technological advances die with him? What then? He’s the only one who can help me.”

I knew the answer, even though no one answered it.

Ryan sighed. “Try not to be so pessimistic, Jamie. Everything will turn out all right somehow. You’ll see.”

That was easy for him to say. It wasn’t his entire past on the line. Or his future. None of them truly understood what it was like to have no memory. None of them could ever possibly grasp the full agony of my condition. How it affected everything. They were all ganging up on me, just like my family had, and once again Ryan was leading the charge.

Water welled up in my eyes, and a few tears spilled down my cheeks.

“Sunshine, please don’t cry. It’ll be okay. I promise.”

Ryan stepped forward with open arms, as if he expected me to walk into them and let him hold me, but I moved back, out of his reach. Hurt flashed across his face. I hated being the cause of it, but I didn’t want him to touch me. I didn’t want him to comfort me right now. I was angry, frustrated, and just plain jealous.

“Of course you think it’ll be okay!” I snapped. “Because it doesn’t matter to you if I don’t get my memories back.” I cast an angry glare around the circle of men watching me. “It doesn’t really matter to any of you if I don’t get my memories back. And why should it? You’ve got your bad guy. You’re getting your other PACs back.” I looked at Major Wilks. “You’ve got your precious asset because, let’s face it, you and I both know I won’t be able to say no the next time you need my help.” And to Ryan, I added, “And you found your missing fiancée.”

“Jamie…”

I shook my head. This time his soft voice, so full of understanding and concern, was not going to make me feel better. “You all have what you want. And once again, all I’ve got is a situation that’s out of my control, no hope, and a suffocating amount of pity.”

It was twice as hard to feel so hopeless after I’d had so much promise. I’d seen a solution, and now it was being ripped away from me. I swore I’d never be so helpless again, and yet here I was. And what for? Because Major Wilks and Ryan told me it was safer this way?

Forget that.

Grabbing all of my courage, I pulled my shoulders back and stopped playing the victim. “No, thank you.”

My comment threw everyone off guard. Either that, or it was my sudden calmness.

Eyes frowned. “I’m sorry, did you just say, ‘no, thank you?’”

I gave him a sweet smile and a nod to answer his question.

“What do you mean, ‘no, thank you?’” Johnny G asked.

“Babe, what are you thinking? I know that look. It’s not a good look.”

Ryan got a dose of my sickly sweet smile next. “I’m sorry, Ryan. Major Wilks, I understand your concern, and I’m touched by it, really. But my safety, my future, and what I do with my life is not your call to make.”

Ryan sucked in a sharp breath through his nose, starting to understand where this was going. I ignored him and gave all of my attention to Major Wilks. “I just realized that I can never truly be an ACE because, ultimately, I’m going to do what I think is best in any situation. I make my own choices. I can’t promise to always follow your orders, no matter how much I respect and even trust you. I know that now. So thank you for your offer to join your team, but I’m afraid I have to decline. I’ll keep in touch, so feel free to call me if you ever need my help again. If you can forgive me, that is.”

“Forgive you for what?” Major Wilks asked.

Ryan already knew. His face was stark white. “Don’t do it, Jamie.”

“I have to.”

I took his hand in mine and felt his desperation in the way he clung to me. He pulled me close and leaned his forehead against mine. “You’re wrong,” he whispered. “I may have found my fiancée, but I don’t have what I want any more than you do.”

“I know, Ryan, and I’m so sorry. But don’t you see that’s why I have to go? You are the perfect man. Maybe it’s crazy, but I’m already falling for you. I know exactly why I fell in love with you before, and I want that love back.”

Ryan slipped his arms around my waist, and his lips curved into a small smile as he squeezed me against him. “That doesn’t sound crazy to me, babe.”

I refused to fall for his charm no matter how tempting he was. “Of course it doesn’t. Because you still see me as her. To you, I’m still the girl who let you put your ring on her finger all those months ago.”

“That’s not true.” Ryan pulled his head back so that he could look straight into my eyes. “You’ve been more comfortable with me than you have with your parents or Becky. Haven’t you?”