Playing for Keeps (Heartbreaker Bay #7)(36)

She shook her head. “I won’t,” she whispered.

It seemed like an automatic denial. It also seemed like maybe she regretted it the moment it left her mouth, but though he waited, she didn’t take it back.

He’d struck out. He didn’t want to accept that, but he knew enough about stubborn women to know when to push and when to fold. So he handed her money back to her, dropped his own to cover their drinks and the fries, and walked away instead of pressing. He knew what he wanted, and he wanted Sadie. She was a calculated risk, and though he’d been a huge risk taker all his life, banking on Sadie being willing to face her emotions was a loser’s bet.





Chapter 12





#ScrewUpBigOrNotAtAll



Sadie and Lollipop took the bus home and stayed up late cuddling for some badly needed body heat and equally badly needed affection.

It was another chilly night, but Sadie hadn’t wanted to sleep at the Canvas Shop tonight. Tonight, she’d wanted her own space. So she’d turned on the heat, promising herself she’d cut something out of her budget to make up for it. She didn’t yet know what that would be, but she’d figure it out. She always did.

She and Lollipop shared the couch. Sadie was pretending to be thinking about her financial situation, playing with the numbers. For instance, if she stopped eating, she could keep the heat on.

But she was just fooling herself. She wasn’t thinking about money. She was thinking about Caleb. She’d walked away from him. No, scratch that. She’d let him walk away from her.

A part of her had felt a surge of righteousness when he had. There, see , she’d told herself, you did it, you ruined it like you knew you would . Better now than later . . .

But the righteousness had faded, replaced by a cold grip on her windpipe.

She’d pushed him away.

The panic had started right around the time their conversation had taken them to a place she hadn’t intended to go. It seemed so easy for him to just be . . . him. He had no problem sharing about himself, he had no hidden shame and little to hide.

But she had plenty of hidden shame and lots to hide.

She wanted to think she could keep most of that to herself and still have him, but she’d realized while listening to his story that she couldn’t. He’d never accept less than everything from her.

So she’d had to shut this thing down.

But now there were regrets. A lot of them. She met Lollipop’s warm gaze. “How am I supposed to make big decisions when I still have to sing the alphabet in my head to get to the right letter?”

Lollipop panted happily, as always, willing to help.

“Listen, don’t look, okay? I’m about to make yet another bad decision.”

Lollipop yawned and closed her eyes while Sadie grabbed her phone.

No messages.

She hadn’t expected one. So she called him. She wanted to text, but that felt like the coward’s way out, and she’d already taken that route and it’d been the wrong choice.

He didn’t answer and she listened to his voice message.

“If you have this number, you know what to do.”

She drew a deep breath and at the beep said, “Hey. It’s me. Sadie.” She rolled her eyes at herself. “So . . . in the shower I sing to anything One Direction.” Feeling stupid, she shook her head. “Okay, bye.” She disconnected.

Lollipop looked at her.

She sighed. “You’re right. I could do better.” She hit his number and again waited for the beep. “Me again,” she said. “My favorite piercing is—was—my tongue piercing, but only because of my family’s horrified reaction to it, which is why I kept it for so long before removing it last year.” She closed her eyes and Lollipop licked her face, telling her to keep being brave. “What gets me out of bed in the morning is the thought of one of Tina’s buttered chocolate banana muffins. No, make that two of them—Shit. Okay, fine, three. I need three muffins, if I’m being honest.” And she was trying to be. But here came the hard part. “My parents are regular people, I guess. Suburbanites. Normal.” She covered the phone and looked at Lollipop. “That’s only a little white lie,” she whispered and put her finger to her lips. “And my sister’s on her way to being the same. Which, if you haven’t figured out, makes me the square peg trying to fit into a round hole. My mom was an English lit professor before she retired a few years ago. My dad’s the dean at St. Mary’s, and he’s every bit the old-school hard-ass his title implies. Strict. Nonverbal. Hard to please. So you can imagine how well I fit in. As for a secret wish—”

Beeeeeep.

She stared at her phone. “The voice mail cut me off.”

Lollipop cocked her head to the side.

Sadie sighed. “Yeah, probably for the best, right?”

“Arf!”

And then her phone rang.

Do Not Even Think About Falling For This Guy was FaceTime calling.

“Oh shit,” she whispered and stared at it through another ring. Finally, she hit accept and Caleb’s face swam into view. He was in an office, suit jacket off, tie gone, standing in front of floor-to-ceiling windows, the city of San Francisco spread out behind him in all its glory.

“You cut yourself off in a hell of a place,” he said with a small smile. “You were about to tell me your secret fantasy.”