Lessons from a Dead Girl(20)

When my parents ask where she is, I tell them she left with someone last night, but I don’t know who. I keep my hand in a fist and don’t say anything about the knife. Christi shakes her head at me when my parents aren’t watching, but she doesn’t tell, either.

Mrs. Greene pretends not to be mad at all of us when she shows up at the house a few minutes later and finds out that Leah’s gone. My parents keep apologizing, saying they were out late and didn’t know Leah was missing until just now.

I don’t know why Christi and I don’t tell them about the knife. I don’t think it occurs to either of us that Leah would really hurt herself. Not seriously, anyway.

We were so stupid. Of course it wasn’t a joke. It was a warning.





Leah and I spend the next few weeks avoiding each other. The long Columbus Day weekend can’t come soon enough. I spend the whole time in my room reading with Jack curled safely at my feet. Christi feels sorry enough for me to actually invite me to go shopping with her and her friends, but I pass.

I dread going back to school the following Tuesday, but it’s a waste of time because Leah isn’t there. She’s gone.

As the weeks go by and she doesn’t return, more and more rumors spread about where she went. The ones I’ve heard so far are: she dropped out to go to modeling school; she transferred to a fancy all-girls’ finishing school; her parents sent her to a girls’ military school to straighten her out; she transferred schools because she’s already slept with all the guys in this school; and she got pregnant.

I haven’t spoken to Leah since the knife incident, so I have no idea what’s true. And even though I’m selfishly relieved that she’s gone, I worry. To feel better, I try to convince myself that if anything really bad happened, Mrs. Greene would tell my mom.

Some days, I still feel her watching me. Taunting me. Sometimes when a pretty girl walks by me, I can almost hear Leah’s wet whisper in my ear, “Checking her out, Lainey? She’s cute, isn’t she?”

But Leah’s not here anymore. It’s just me, beating myself up.

After Leah’s comments about soccer, I decided to prove her wrong by joining the team after all. I’m not afraid of the locker room. I’m not checking anyone out. Actually, I like getting ready in the locker room, listening to the gossip as we dress for practice, like I’m part of a group again, even if I’m outside the circle. It’s not all that different from the group of fake friends I had with Leah.

“I heard our new uniforms will be in Friday,” Jen Thomas says as she laces up her cleats before practice. She’s talking to Carrie Winters. They’re both juniors.

“I hope mine’s the right size,” Carrie says. “Remember how tight my top was last year? God, I didn’t even need a sports bra. I swear Ms. Sawyer does it on purpose so she can check us out.”

Ms. Sawyer is our coach. She’s openly gay and has a partner, so I doubt she’s interested in them.

Jen pushes out her flattish chest. “She’s not checking me out, that’s for sure. Unless she likes little boys.”

“Maybe little girls,” Carrie jokes.

I wish they’d shut up.

“This school is so whacked,” says Jen. “I can’t wait to get out of here.”

“No shit. Speaking of getting out, have you heard about Leah Greene?”

My ears get hot.

“She moved, right? That’s old news. And good news, if you ask me.”

I try to pay attention to my cleats, but I’m sure my head is leaning way too close to them as I hang on every word.

“No, she didn’t move. She’s just not coming back here,” Carrie says.

“Why not? Is she too good for us? God, she and her sister are so stuck-up.”

I act busy stuffing things in my backpack so they don’t think I’m listening.

“Actually, I heard that Leah tried to kill herself,” Carrie says.

I drop my bag and look up. Jen stops brushing her hair. “Seriously?”

“Yeah.” Carrie almost smiles, like she’s proud to know this top-secret news.

I pick up my backpack again and put it on the bench. My hands are shaking.

“Maybe sleeping with every guy in the senior class last year got to her conscience,” Jen says, brushing her hair again.

“Who knows. Why is it all the rich, beautiful girls who do crap like that? I mean, she has everything going for her, so what does she do? She sleeps with every guy on the planet and then tries to off herself. She probably just did it for attention.” Carrie stands up and looks at herself in the mirror. She tucks a few loose strands of hair back into her ponytail.

Jen rolls her eyes.

“I heard Leah transferred to private school over at Sheldon,” says Carrie. “All the rich f*ck-ups end up there.”

“She’s just like her slutty sister, Brooke,” Jen says. “They think they’re so much better than everyone else.”

I see Leah pressing the knife against her wrist and look down at the scar on my palm. I squeeze my hand shut again. I feel dizzy. I pull off my cleats and put my school clothes back on. No one seems to notice or care. I shove my practice clothes in my backpack and stand up. The cement floor feels like it’s swaying underneath me. I wobble as I step forward. Carrie gives me a funny look.