Instructions for Dancing(59)

It’s true. Mom was always good for hugs and kisses after I hurt myself. But Dad was the one who made me laugh. And if I was laughing, then I wasn’t thinking about the pain.

“I don’t want to see him,” I say.

“Too bad. He’ll be here any minute now.”

After she leaves, I go out to the patio. The sun has already set, and the air is slipping from warm to cool.

I don’t want to remember X and me dancing to Indian music in this very spot, but that’s not how memory works. Was that laughing, dancing girl really me? I don’t recognize her. Just like I don’t recognize the girl who used to read all the romance books and knew all the subgenres and believed in all the acronyms: One True Pairing (OTP) and HEA (Happily Ever After) and HFN (Happy for Now). Just like I don’t recognize the girl who thought her dad could do no wrong. How many versions of me will there be in this one lifetime?



Dad rings the bell ten minutes later.

“I’m fine,” I say to him, instead of hello.

He’s wearing another pair of glasses I don’t recognize. His goatee is now a full beard.

“I don’t doubt you’re fine,” he says. “But let me check on you anyway.” He shakes a takeout bag of Mariscos Chente at me.

“Thanks,” I say, and lead him back out to the patio.

“This is nice,” he says, taking a few steps out into the courtyard.

It takes me a moment to realize that he’s never been out here before. He’s never seen so much of this place where I live. How can our lives be so separate now?

I sit down in the armchair, tilt my head back and close my eyes. I can feel him studying me, deciding where to begin.

“Mom thought you could use some guffaw therapy,” he says.

“I’m fine,” I say without opening my eyes.

The chair across from me scrapes against the concrete as he sits down. “Sweet pea, you know you can tell me anything.”

I open my eyes. “Why do you still call me sweet pea? You know I don’t like it.” I’m not angry. I’m just tired.



He rests his elbows on his knees and looks down at the ground. “You used to love it when you were little. There was a drawing you made of a pea that fell into a bowl of sugar.” He shakes his head, but I think he’s shaking it at himself. “I’m sorry. I’ll remember not to call you that anymore.”

He hands me a burrito. I’m not hungry, but I still eat half of it.

When he’s done with his food, he leans back and wipes his hands. “So—” he begins.

But I stop him and ask the thing I’ve wanted to ask him for a year. “Why did you cheat on Mom?” I ask it so quietly I almost don’t hear myself.

Watching his face is like watching clouds race across the sky. Guilt chasing sadness chasing shame.

For a long time he doesn’t say anything, but then he does. “Your mother was the first woman I ever loved. We had you girls and we were happy for a long time.” He covers his eyes with his hands. “But the last few years, things changed.”

I almost wish I’d seen their vision. I’d love to know what they were like in the beginning. It’d be nice to have those memories.

He goes on. “Your mom and I weren’t happy anymore.”

“No,” I say, “Mom was happy.”

He closes his eyes but doesn’t tell me I’m wrong. “Yes, your mother was happy. But I wasn’t.”

“But then why didn’t you just tell her?” I ask, frustrated. “You could’ve gone to counseling or on more dates or something. Danica and I could’ve helped you.”

“I made a lot of mistakes, Evie. You’re right. I should’ve told her. I should’ve tried harder.” He looks up at me for this next part. “And when Shirley came into my life, I should’ve walked away. But I didn’t. And then it was too late. I couldn’t come back from what I was feeling.”



I’ve imagined having this conversation with him so many times, but I never expected him to admit that he made a mistake.

I’m more angry than frustrated now. He’s my dad. He’s not supposed to make these kinds of mistakes. “But you made vows to Mom. You promised her you’d love her forever.”

“Evie, sweetheart, sometimes things change.”

I’m so angry now, I’m incandescent with it.

“You promised her forever. You promised us, but you chose Shirley instead. You love her more.” I know I’m not being fair and that I’m not making sense. All I want to do is smash things. I want to make it so no one and nothing can hurt me ever again. I want to get rid of every nice, kind, sweet, soft feeling inside myself until there’s nothing at all. No joy, but no pain either.

“No, you’re not allowed to think that. I love you and Danica more than I love anything else in the world,” he says. “I’m sorry for what I did, but the thing I’m most sorry about is losing you.”

Tears slip from my eyes. I don’t try to wipe them away. There’s so much more to come.

He pulls me into his arms and hushes me, the way he used to when I was small.

“Don’t hush me,” I say, jerking away from him. “What I want is for you to explain to me why people make promises to each other. Why bother to love people if they’re just going to die and leave you all alone? You believe in God. Tell me why He would make the world like this. Tell me why He’s so cruel.”