Instructions for Dancing(45)
“Yeah,” he says. We slip into silence. It feels like we’re lying side by side in a small boat floating down a dark and quiet lake.
“Want to know a secret?” he asks. His voice is scratchy and soft.
“What?”
“Sometimes I wonder if he’s right.”
I’m too surprised to say anything right away. I would never guess X has doubts about music, not from the way he talks about it and not from the way he is onstage.
“You remember when we were playing pool and you said when you found out about your dad’s affair, it was like he betrayed your idea of who he was?”
“Yeah.”
“I think maybe that’s how Pops feels about me. Before Clay died, the band was just a hobby. Pops and me always had an understanding—nothing too explicit—that I’d go to college and major in something practical. After Clay died, though, everything changed for me. I started trying to make sense of the world and my place in it.”
His voice is so quiet now I have to press my phone closer to my ear to hear him. “In the end all I could come up with was how much I loved playing guitar and singing and being onstage. I figured out that being in the band meant more to me than I thought it did. And once you figure out what you love the most, you don’t really have time for anything else. I couldn’t get Pops to understand that, though. I get why he’s mad at me. I changed the rules on him.”
I turn onto my side. My blinds are slightly open, and moonlight makes long rectangles on the floor. “I’m gonna say something and you don’t have to say anything back, but you can’t get mad at me either. I’m just gonna put it out there.”
“Okay, what?” he asks.
“I think you should finish high school.”
For a while he doesn’t say anything, and I think our little metaphorical boat on the lake is about to capsize. But then he starts to laugh. “Woman, I pour my heart out to you and you tell me to finish high school.”
“Your heart is great. It really is. And I promise you, you’re not wrong about music. I’ve seen you onstage. You were made for it. But also, just finish high school. You have one semester to go. Your dad will be a lot less mad at you, I promise.”
His laugh turns into a low chuckle. “All right, my turn to say something that you can’t get mad at me for.”
“Oh boy.”
“Don’t worry. It’s not that bad.”
“Oh boy,” I say again.
“I think you should try to work things out with your dad. I think you should go to his wedding.”
Now our boat does capsize. I sit all the way up. “After what he did? Why would you say that?”
“Right after Clay died, I used to see him everywhere, but it was weird. I didn’t see all the things we used to do. I kept seeing all the things we were supposed to do.” He clears his throat. “That make sense?”
“You were missing the future you were supposed to have.”
“Yeah, like I was having memories of things that never got to happen.”
I think about Dad and all the stuff we don’t get to do with each other anymore. It’s the big things like playing pool, and it’s the silly, small things too. Like the way he used to kiss my forehead at the kitchen table every morning. Or the way he played Ella Fitzgerald or Nina Simone on Sunday mornings. The way he would leave the kitchen cabinets open and drive Mom up the wall.
You can miss the future with people who are still alive too.
“Okay,” I say. “I’ll think about it.” I try to stifle a yawn, but it comes out anyway.
“I should let you go to bed,” he says. “Sorry I woke you up.”
“Don’t be sorry. You can wake me up anytime,” I say. “Good night, X.”
“Good night, Evie,” he says.
CHAPTER 38
Hustle Thursday
<Thursday, 8:55 PM>
Me: You were good with the hustle today
X: I like it
X: It’s basically disco dancing but with a partner
Me: That’s a good way to put it
X: I didn’t come up with that
X: I read it online somewhere
X: Trying to impress you with my dazzling insight
X: Did it work?
Me: Only a little
X: Ha!
X: So I was thinking maybe your friends would want to come see a show on Saturday
Me: Do I get to come too?
X: Nah, just your friends
Me: Hehe
X: So that’s a yes?
Me: I’ll ask them but I’m sure they’ll say yes
Me: They like you
X: I like them too
<9:38 PM>
Me: I thought about what you said last night about dad and the wedding
X: Yeah?
Me: I haven’t decided what to do yet
Me: But I’m thinking about it
X: That’s good
X: I’m thinking about what you said about school too
Me: And?
X: Still thinking about it
Me: That’s good
<12:05 AM>
X: Reading cupcakes and kisses again
Me: Can’t get enough huh?