Iniquitous (The Marked #3)(47)

“I’m going to kill him.” His voice was so low and threatening, it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up straight. “I’ll rip his fucking heart out.”

Panic exploded in my gut. “It’s not Dominic’s fault, Trace. Please don’t be mad at him.”

He winced, but I was too wrapped up in my panic to realize why.

“He was only doing what I asked him to do. Even when I tried to kiss him, he refused. He never took advantage—”

“I need you to stop,” he interrupted roughly, rubbing his temples as though trying to erase the image from his brain. “I can handle a lot of shit, Jemma, but I can’t stand here and listen to you protect him.”

My mouth slammed shut as realization sank in. Could I have been any more insensitive?

“I’m…sorry.” My tired words fell flat again. I really needed to stop saying that crap to him. They were useless words that almost sounded insulting when I said them to him.

“I can’t do this right now,” he said, cupping the back of his neck.

“What can I do?”

“You’ve done e—” He stopped short and squeezed his eyes shut, banning me from the beauty I no longer deserved to gaze upon. “Look, I just need a minute, okay? I’m getting a migraine.”

I felt utterly horrible and completely responsible. “I’m so—”

“Stop apologizing.”

“I’m trying to.” I could barely meet his eyes when I asked, “Is…is there anything I can do to help?”

“No.” His eyes traveled down my body and then drifted away like a stray leaf caught in the summer wind. “I just need a minute. Alone.”

“Okay.” I nodded and just stood there because I wasn’t sure what else to do.

He stepped around me, extra careful not to touch me, and then headed into the kitchen. I heard the cupboard open and then a pill bottle jangle. I dropped my head as he walked by the living room and then disappeared down the corridor without saying a word to me.

Silence wrapped its cold arms around me as I stood in the living room and waited.

The conversation replayed in my mind like little sound bites from a bad movie and I wondered if I’d been too callous with my words. I’d wanted to be completely honest with him so that he’d know the whole truth, so that he knew what he was getting into, but as I stood alone in the room, I wondered if there was something to be said about lying. Was it really so bad to lie if you were lying to protect the person you cared about? Maybe that’s what I should’ve done. Maybe I should’ve protected him instead.

My stomach clenched.

A few more minutes of maddening silence passed through me and eventually, I sat down on the couch and stared aimlessly into the fire. The flames licked out at the fire log, ripping and tearing at its bark like Engel used to tear through me. The unwanted memory stole my breath like a punch to the gut. I quickly tried to push it away, to remind myself that it was all over. That he was gone and I was safe now. Safe, but far from okay.

As depressing as the thought was, it was the truth. I wasn’t okay. Not inside. Not where it mattered the most. I hadn’t felt okay in a really long time and as long as my brain was turned on and working, that’s how it always remained.

There was only one thing that made it go away.

One surefire way to shut it all off.

In that moment, I longed for that exact escape. To be able to sink away into that realm of painless existing that only Dominic could take me to. Dominic. My pulse quickened as I wondered how he was doing just then. I wondered if he was faring better on his own than I was.

Regret immediately exploded in my gut and I folded inward. I couldn’t even go ten minutes alone without thinking about him. What the heck did that say about me? I stood back up and walked to the fireplace. I needed a distraction, something to keep my mind preoccupied. Grabbing the poker, I probed the burning wood until it rolled off the log it was resting on and settled beside it. I picked up another log and tossed it in.

Turning on my heel, I faced the empty room again. I hated empty rooms. Empty spaces. I hated my own company. I glanced out into the corridor and wondered if it would be a completely horrible idea to go in and check on him…see how he was doing. I shook my head, deciding against it. He wanted to be alone. I needed to respect that.

More waiting.

More silence.

I picked up an ornament from the mantel and turned it around in my hands, but it didn’t hold my attention for very long. I could feel the unease bubbling up inside of me, the tightness growing in my chest. The room felt as though it were starting to shrink, to close in on me. All the air was being sucked out of it. I drew in a hard breath, but it didn’t reach my lungs. My mind was racing off into dark places I didn’t want to revisit. The longer I waited, the more antsy I got, and the more antsy I got, the more Dominic’s face flashed through my head like a remedy. I couldn’t stay put any longer. I couldn’t just stand here and live inside the pain. There was no air inside the pain.

This was a mistake.

It’s too much, too soon.

Trace was never going to forgive me. He was probably in there thinking up different ways to break up with me, to get me out of his house. And who could blame him? I should’ve never come here. I should’ve stayed with Dominic.

It’s safer with Dominic.