If You're Out There(72)
Logan walks into the living room, his phone in hand. “Literally every adult in our lives is driving to Indiana right now. Also, Zan’s mom just texted,” he says, reading something on the screen. “Apparently Anushka and Yasmine are hopping on the first flight to Chicago.”
Beside me on the couch, Priya lets out a sigh, her eyes wet but fiercely bright. “Thanks for calling everyone, Logan.”
He nods—“’Course”—and to me, Priya mouths I like him.
I smile, hit with another rush of emotion. Every time I look at Priya, my heart swells a little. It’s almost like the world has returned to its axis. The ground is solid. I’m solid.
I’m sure there will be other heartaches—the kind the come out of nowhere, and knock me straight on my ass. I’ve lived enough to know there’s not always a rainbow after the rain, and plenty of things happen for no reason at all. But maybe that’s all the more reason to fucking LIVE LAUGH LOVE! or whatever. Because when you do, once in a while, you find a bright spot. The kind of love that just is. And that’s something I never want to stop believing in.
Logan joins us on the couch, kissing the top of my head as he sits. A smile spreads across my face. We still have a lot to learn about each other, but something tells me he might be a bright spot, too.
“I think I need a minute outside,” Priya says, standing. She turns to Julian. “Hey, um, don’t feel like you have to stick around if you’ve got plans.”
“Priya.” He smirks. “Pretty sure I can clear my schedule tonight.”
She nods, her face brightening, and I stack a few inspirational pillows to lean back into on the couch.
I look across the room, to where Priya has stopped at the threshold. She squares her shoulders and takes a breath before slipping out into the night. As I watch her go, relief settles over me, slowly, like a bedsheet floating down from the air. Through the open door, I hear crickets chirping steadily against the stillness. And when I look closely, even in the flashing lights, the fireflies still glow.
From: Priya Patel <[email protected]> To: Zan Martini <[email protected]> Date: Fri, Aug 30, 8:32 am
Subject: I JOINED A CULT!!!!!!!!
I didn’t join a cult. But where are you?? You’d think you were in some rural village in the middle of nowhere right now. Oh wait, you are! But no excuses. I was told you would have internet.
I heard you’re running soccer practices with the girls? And teaching boxing? Maybe we should tweak our name a bit. GRETA: Girls Reaching Equality Through Ass-kicking. I guess that’s kind of GRETAK, but I can run it by the board. I’m still a bit miffed with Anushka and Yasmine for letting you work out there FOR A YEAR. I appreciate you sticking around for the summer, but did you have to leave so early? In my time of need? I’m not sure you’ve fully grasped the irony of my being a high school super senior after all those college courses. For two core classes and a FREAKING GYM CREDIT!!!
Deeeep breaths All in all, I’m being very zen, Zan. Sleeping most nights, though sometimes I recruit Harr for a cuddle. Sean the Shrink seems to think I’m making progress anyway. I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to the idea of sitting on a couch for a predetermined hour and deliberately talking about the worst parts of my life. I have to fight the urge to make jokes. Sean does not seem to know what to do with my jokes. But a lot of the time it feels really good. Healthy. Maybe even a little brave.
I’ve kept your room the same. Cleaner, though. I hope that’s okay. Your mom and Whit keep telling me to make my own touches, but I like it the way it is. Makes me think of you. I can tell they’re both missing you, like empty-nesters now. Well, except for me and Harr, and Bee, who Logan’s brought over a few times (she’s really taken to your brother, by the way—you’re going to have to watch that boy).
I went by the SAIC dorms to visit Logan the other day. He’s seriously going to love it there. He’ll probably tell you this himself when you guys talk, AFTER you talk to me (I am a lady after all, and he a mere matey). You have to make him show you his new stuff. The one of you? There are no words. Speaking of words, have you said it yet? Just spit it out, woman. New Principle! #3-twenty-wherever we left off: Freaking tell people when you love them. It’ll be the final step in the full eradication of your chronic boylessness.
What else? Harr says your dad has been playing bass again. This week he has a gig. :) And I know he’s getting excited to come visit you. (I’m next!) When I’m not busy missing you endlessly, I’ve been occupying my time with college application stuff. I think after this year, I’ll be ready for a clean slate.
Nick is talking Yale Law after graduation, which would certainly sweeten the deal (at the moment Yale is back to number 1 on my list, but it changes daily). My dad says he’ll visit wherever I go. And Yaz and Anushka are a short train ride from most of the schools I’m applying to, which will be nice—lots of slumber parties in my future.
Yasmine has been so amazing lately, helping with all the legal stuff. As for Anushka, I’m starting to think this year has kind of popped her whole People Are Mostly Good bubble. But she’ll come around. I know I have. I was going through photos this morning and came across one from when they visited in May for my birthday. You and I took the picture of ourselves—making silly faces with tongues out. But behind us, you can just make out Yaz, Nush, your mom, and Whit all talking in your backyard. Something about that picture made me think of my mom. She would have loved to be there. She would be so glad to know I’ve got these women behind me.