I Was Born for This(95)

‘Speak up,’ Lister calls from the bed. ‘I’m missing your emotional speech. I think I should be involved, since I’m the stab-ee.’

Rowan groans. ‘Please stop calling yourself the stab-ee.’

‘I won’t and I’m not going to for the foreseeable future.’

I smile at Lister. ‘I was just saying that I love you both.’

Lister rolls his head onto one side. ‘Aw! What the fuck! You nearly let me miss that? A rare display of positive Jimmy emotion?’

‘And I’m not leaving the band.’

‘You’re not?’

‘No.’

Lister’s smile drops, and he looks at me sincerely.

‘You know we’re going to change things, though, right?’ he says.

‘What d’you mean?’

‘No more of this … being pressured to do things. Being manipulated and forced to act in a certain way. We need to stand up for what we want. What we all want. The new contract can literally go and fuck itself.’

‘Yeah,’ murmurs Rowan, looking at me.

‘Like …’ Lister continues, ‘like that girl, Angel. She knew what she wanted. What she believed in. What she loved. And she … she just did it.’ Lister shakes his head. ‘I’ve never met anyone like that.’

Rowan looks back out of the window. ‘She definitely wasn’t what I thought she was.’

‘She wasn’t a maniacal fan, you mean?’

‘She was a maniacal fan, but I don’t think the maniacal fans are what I thought they were. Well, not all of them, anyway.’

‘They’re just a bit normal, really,’ I say.

‘Or we’re all weird.’

‘You can say that again.’

Lister bellows, ‘WE’RE ALL WEIRD!’ so loud that I flinch and Lister actually winces in pain once he’s finished. ‘Okay, that hurt.’

‘Get some rest, oh my God,’ says Rowan.

‘Rest is so boring,’ says Lister.

After another ten minutes, he falls asleep again. Rowan and I stay seated on the windowsill, watching the slow rise and fall of his chest, listening to the steady beeps of his heart.

‘I think he’s got a crush on you,’ says Rowan.

I look at him in alarm. ‘What?! How did you – How did you know about that?’

Rowan shrugs. ‘Just an observation.’ Then he raises his eyebrows at my flustered expression. ‘Why, has something happened?’

‘Erm …’ I try, and fail, to stop myself going red. ‘Erm. We can talk about that later.’

Rowan laughs. His laugh always makes him look younger, reminds me of his younger self. ‘Changes are coming.’

I shake my head. ‘Changes? What changes?’

‘Changes.’

‘That sounds very, very ominous.’

Rowan lifts his arm and wraps it round my shoulders. ‘It’s good, Jimjam. We’re doing good.’

We sit quietly until we start to hear screaming and cheering coming from outside the window. Confused, we both turn to look again, and there, in the centre, are a small gaggle of girls, waving and screeching as we look down again. I faintly hear one of them shout ‘GET WELL SOON, LISTER!’ and another of them is just standing and watching, smiling so wide.

I glance at Rowan. He’s smiling. He raises a hand and waves at the girls.

‘It’s a funny old world,’ he says.

I look at the girls and start waving too. Sending love through the turn of a hand.





This book was terrifying to write and came at me in a whirlwind. And yet, here we are, with a story I’m so proud of, characters I deeply love and a fresh book to share with you all.

I wouldn’t be anywhere without my champion agent, Claire Wilson, who has supported me for all these years. My first and biggest thanks is to her.

I was lucky enough to work with Sarah Hughes on this book – an incredible editor who understood exactly what I was trying to achieve and had so many amazing editorial suggestions. I was also granted the honour of being a little involved in the cover design for this book and the redesigns of my previous two, so big thanks to Sarah and the outstanding designer, Ryan Hammond, for hearing out my ideas, taking note of my sketches and giving my books the most perfect covers. This was SO much fun.

To the whole team at HarperCollins Children’s – thank you for sticking by me for all this time. Even though my books are a bit odd.

I’m not very good at making friends and I sometimes feel alone in the writer world, but thankfully, about four and a half years ago, Lauren James messaged me on Tumblr. Nowadays she’s not only one of my closest friends but also my first port of call for all my creative projects. Thank you for being there. Can’t wait for us to tell more stories and frantically message each other about them.

Huge thanks as always to my family, for nodding politely at my strange ideas, and my friends, even the ones who haven’t read my books. Patrick – write your damn book.

Thanks to Mehak Choudhary and Ahlaam Moledina, who gave me invaluable guidance in writing Angel’s religion and culture, and thanks to Vee S, who beta-read this book and gave me such thoughtful and intelligent advice in writing Jimmy’s experience as a transgender young man.