I Fell in Love with Hope(63)

“I don’t understand,” I breathe.

Sam’s heart beats against mine. The rush of blood coursing through his neck, the pulse I can feel calms me. His aliveness, his heat–it all feels so uncertain, but his heart, even if I fear it will stop, keeps going.

“I hoped for you, once,” Sam says after a while. “I dreamt, with all my heart, for someone, anyone in the world to be mine.” He holds me tighter. His hand snakes through my hair, and a tear rolls down his face to mimic.

I can only think as he touches me that his hands are mine, as he kisses my cheek that his lips are mine, as he talks that his words are mine. That he is mine. My light, my reason. I wonder if my wish for answers came true. I wonder if we were each other’s wishes.

“I don’t understand.”

“That’s okay,” Sam whispers. “It doesn’t have to make sense.”

We don’t talk anymore after that.

He just kisses my face till the sun rises.





now




Autumn descends upon our city. Jaded greens fade into tan oranges and sulky reds, tinges of yellow blooming in the cold.

I wrap my arms around Hikari’s waist. Melodies like piano notes escape her in mumbles, a loose fabric dress fanning her bare legs. She folds Neo’s freshly washed shirts and hoodies (most of which aren’t his), dropping each item onto the windowsill.

Her sweater is all that covers the bandages trailing down her arms. We share a haircut, hers a thin shade of black, mine like infant stalks of grass. After I ‘terrorized’ my scalp, as Eric said, he went to work with clippers.

That night, Hikari and I slept in her bed. I held her the whole night through. She told me she was okay, that if I wanted to go, I could. I shook my head and pulled her closer. The next morning, I woke to her fingers drawing patterns on my face as dawn slid through the blinds. She smiled. A smile like the sunrise after a rainstorm.

“Sam?” Hikari says.

“Yes?”

“You’re doing it again.”

I fumble with her fingers, observing how they intertwine with mine. The scent of her soap and the softness of her neck coax my chin to her shoulder.

I’ve found that touching Hikari is different from touching other people. A stranger may brush my side walking past. A nurse may graze my arm handing me something. But those are dull touches, intermediate touches. Touching Hikari for the first time was eclipsing, the birth of a star, but as time goes on, the eclipse becomes habitual. Comfortable. Ritualistic.

“You’re distracting me.” Hikari folds Neo’s shirt and tosses it to the side, starting on another, her tongue between her teeth with focus.

I chuckle. “I’m not distracting. You’re just messy.”

“You are distracting. And rude.”

“Not on purpose,” I whine.

“Most definitely on purpose.”

Absentmindedly, I splay my hands over her stomach. She’s warm there. Her pulse thrums just above her hip bone.

“I like distracting you,” I tease.

“I like when you keep your arms to yourself,” she whispers, turning her head so our faces are but centimeters apart.

“What arms?” I whisper back.

“Rude.”

“Messy.”

“Disgusting!” Neo throws a pen at us. “Isn’t it bad enough I have to see you engage in your cute couple crap? Now, I have to hear it too?” He points to the nurse call button meant for emergencies. “I’ll push that thing. Don’t test me.”

“Sorry, Neo,” Hikari laughs. Neo rolls his eyes, pulling another pen out from its cup holder at the edge of the desk, getting back to work. That wobbly thing was Eric’s gift to him for his birthday, so he could stop screwing up his back, Eric said. It was also a congratulatory present because Neo and Coeur are almost done writing their novel.

I can tell that makes Neo nervous.

He scratches his head where the hair has been reduced to a layer of fuzz. After Hikari and I shaved our heads, it became a unifying force. C’s curls were already short, but he sat on the stool right after me, like a little boy giddy for a haircut. But it was Sony who was, by far, the most enthusiastic. Right after her hair was shaven to a thin coat of red, she practically tackled Hikari, begging her to draw them together.

It turned out there wasn’t much time for that. After our failed escape, Sony’s lung decided to strengthen a few race’s worth. Since then, she’s been living in Eric’s apartment.

Outside Neo’s room, I catch sight of her through the glass. Her animation captivates the child she talks to. The boy laughs, his cheeks curving over his eyes. Sony pokes his nose and hugs him tight, her feet pitter-pattering as she does. When the boy’s mother takes his hand, Sony adjusts his coat and the cap snug on his head. She tells him goodbye, a rendition of I’ll miss you on her lips as he goes home.

“My fellow pirates, I’ve had an epiphany,” Sony says, kicking Neo’s door open, her backpack void of tank or breathing tubes to adorn her face. Hee follows in before the door closes, meowing for attention before winding between Hikari and I’s legs.

“I am a lazy waste of energy according to many–” Eric “–and I think it’s due time I retire from my days of stealing.”

“What do you mean?” Hikari asks. Like tragedy’s just struck. She slaps my hands off of her, rushing to her fellow thief. “You don’t want to steal anymore? Is the world ending?”