I Fell in Love with Hope(35)

“You know how Neo writes?” I ask. Hikari nods. “He wrote once that ‘clothes are a strange and clever hiding place. Bruises, scars, odd complexions, insecurities–we hide them all if we choose to, the essential parts of us kept only for the gazes of mirrors and lovers.’”

“That’s nice,” she says, toying with the band on her wrist. “Even if it’s sad.”

“Everything Neo writes makes me happy. Even if it’s sad.”

“Because he’s your friend.”

“Because he’s at peace when he’s writing.”

“He’s at peace when he’s with you.” Those words alone go deeper. Hikari smiles. A smile that always finds a way of tilting the glass till it looks half full.

“We can make our own heaven,” she says. Her fingers glide over the slightly protruding rawness on her neck and the scars on her arms. She touches them like paint, as if it could rub off on her, were she not careful. “You know Sam, loneliness spares me none of its kindness, so… Thank you for giving me yours.”





Nights till the escape: 2





I help C up the stairs. He pants with an open mouth till we reach the roof. Hikari sits against the stone wall, a little black ball of fur in her arms. Sony’s cat climbs onto C’s stomach, purring as she scratches her head against the stubble on his chin.

C doesn’t talk much today. Blood pools beneath his eyes in purple, a pellucid shade on his lips. Hikari brings up blankets for us to cuddle under while we contemplate the gray skies and relish in a little music.

Neo and Sony come up later, stolen beer and candy in their arms. We lap at the foam and smell the fetid liquid. C shows bottle’s rim to Hee, earning a gag and a sneeze from the feline. We all chuckle, chewing on tart, sour, and sugary gas station sweets.

“We’re escaping so soon,” C says, his voice too rough to be his.

Neo cuddles him, nuzzled into his chest, legs tucked. He burrows under the blanket, face squished. Old albums stream from C’s phone while Sony slow dances with Hee.

“We still have to decide where we want to go,” Neo says.

“Everywhere,” Sony laughs. “Let’s go everywhere.”

“You have an every addiction, Sony,” Hikari says.

“I want to see everything before I die,” Sony whispers, leaning down and pressing her forehead to Hikari’s.

“You will.” Hikari tucks bright red strands behind Sony’s ear.

“Neo.” Sony releases the cat back to C’s care. She reaches for the little writer, only just peeking out. “Dance with me.”

Neo crawls further into the blanket. “I don’t dance.”

“You dance all the time.” Sony rips the blanket off and snatches Neo by the wrists. “Physical therapy time.”

“Just throw me off the roof.”

“Don’t tempt me, I have good aim.”

Neo’s lips curl. He hides them in Sony’s neck as the two prance around with no skill or pattern. Caught by their snickering and lack of rhythm, C rises to shaky ankles. He outwaits his blurry vision and poor hearing, taking Hee with him to join the dancers.

We used to think the roof was a radical rebellion. This is where there aren’t any mirrors. It’s chilly, and the ground is coarse. The sky is always gray, and the only color is us. This is our swimming pool, the deepest part where those who dwell above the surface cannot see.

C takes Sony into his arms, hugging her tight, swaying side to side. Neo scratches Hee’s head as he moves with the music.

The roof was never a place to steal but a place to elude time entirely. Here, I watch my friends dance and drink to their hearts’ content, whatever hearts they may have. I race up the stairs with Sony and listen to old songs with C and read Neo’s stories and forget for a long while.

Sony lays back down when the sky grows dark. Neo clings to one side of her, C to the other. She chuckles and calls them monkeys. They talk about the everywhere they’re going to see, the everything they’re going to steal. They fall asleep fast despite the nipping weather, a thin layer of clouds concealing the stars as soon after time strikes midnight and tomorrow turns to today.

I savor the moment.

Hikari shifts below her blanket, a little yellow hill. She groans when she stretches, but her movements are cautious of those around her. I can’t help the tug at my lips when she wakes. Her eyes are half-lidded, a bit of spittle on her chin.

“Sam?” she whispers, rubbing under her glasses. “You’re still awake. Are you cold?”

“No.” I lay down parallel to her. “Are you?”

Her face scrunches up. “A little.”

“Do you want me to walk you back inside?” I ask.

“Not yet.” Hikari yawns, closing her eyes. “I like when we’re all together like this.”

When she falls back asleep, I reach across the distance. I want to tuck the blanket higher on her shoulders, run my palm up and down her spine, hold her against me the way C does Neo. My hand halts once her heat is close enough to burn and my touch recoils.

But I don’t want it to.

My hand creeps closer to her again like it’s fighting a current.

“Hi–” When I try to say her name, my memories shake, graves screaming beneath the snow. “Hi-ka–”