Four Dead Queens(77)

I began twisting the doorknobs of all the doors on either side of the hallway.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“Only locked doors hide something important. I’m looking for—” A door swung in easily. “Aha!”

Varin stuck his head inside the dim doorway. “A utility room?”

Luckily, the room was quite large; my chest didn’t compress at the sight of it.

“Get in.” I pushed him through the opening. “We’ll have to wait for the infirmary to clear out.”

The utility room was filled with mops and various cleaning products. Bleach pricked at my nose and eyes. I squatted, pulling my knees to my chest. There was no pinch—my knee had been almost completely healed by the dermasuit. I rested my head on a shelf.

Varin closed the door and squatted beside me. “You’re exhausted,” he remarked. “You should rest.”

I shook my head. Fatigue was beginning to feel like a heavy blanket across my shoulders, but I needed to stay awake. I needed to uncover the assassin, or assassins, and earn access to HIDRA. I needed to save the queens.

“What if we can’t uncover anything about the assassin?” I asked, studying his genetically perfect face in the low light. “What if you can’t get access to HIDRA?” What if this was all for nothing, and we both left the palace empty-handed? And that wasn’t even the worst outcome.

We could be uncovered as liars, posing as Queen Marguerite’s guards. Or Mackiel and his henchmen could catch us, adding two more deaths to the body count. Or perhaps the inspector would find us and pull us apart with his Eonist implements.

“We’ll find evidence on the assassin, Keralie,” Varin said, his voice unwavering. “I’m sure of it.”

“Because you hope so?” I waved my hands about. “That means nothing. We have nothing!”

“I know.” He studied his feet.

Queens above. Why did I always have to be so rude?

“Hey.” I linked his arm with mine—he didn’t flinch. “I didn’t mean that.”

“Yes, you did.” He lifted his face to mine. “You mean everything you say.”

I mulled that over for a moment, considering my past jibes. Did I really mean them? A part of me did—the part that wanted to push Varin away to ensure he couldn’t hurt me. Or so I couldn’t hurt him. I couldn’t hurt Varin like I’d hurt my father, or Mackiel. I didn’t want to lose him too.

I needed to control my feelings around him, be more Eonist. But the more I looked into his pale eyes, the more that control slipped away.

“I’m sorry I’m such a horrid person,” I said with a half smile. I spun my dipper bracelet around, the silver lockets tinkling together.

His brow furrowed. “You’re not horrid, Keralie. You’re . . .” A million words flashed through my mind as he hesitated. None of them were good. “Protective.”

That wasn’t one of them.

“Protective?” I repeated.

“Of yourself.” His guarded eyes darted away. I didn’t release his arm, as I normally would have. He glanced back after a moment. “I understand. You’ve been in Mackiel’s employ for seven years, but you’ve really been alone that entire time. He didn’t care about you. And you think you’re to blame for this terrible accident with your father, but—”

“I am to blame.”

“You may not be horrid,” he said, “but you sure like the sound of your own voice.”

I fluttered a gloved hand at him. “Go on, then. The floor’s yours.”

“This isn’t a joke.” He twisted to face me. “You need to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. We must move on.”

“No,” I said. “Not until I fix it.” Fix everything.

“How can you fix it?”

I bit the inside of my cheek. Now was the time to tell him how I wanted HIDRA for my father.

“I don’t know,” I said instead. “But I need to make things better. I need to right my wrongs. Start a new life.” One far from Mackiel and the girl I used to be.

He took my hand, and my breath, with one gentle grasp. This time I didn’t pull away. I trembled beneath his touch, shocked by it—it was different from the way Mackiel touched me. He was different. Varin wasn’t using me, he wasn’t playing a game, twisting me into something else. And even though there was no warmth, due to our suits, it meant more than anything I’d experienced in the last seven years.

The back of my eyes prickled. I swallowed down tears.

“You will, Keralie,” he said softly.

I took a shuddering breath. “And you?” I asked. “What will you do if we fail?”

He tilted his head back and looked upward. “I’ll have to make the most of the time I have left.”

No matter what happened, I would make sure Varin wouldn’t spend that time alone.





CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE





Keralie



I awoke with my head resting on Varin’s shoulder, his arm around my waist. I didn’t want to move, unless it was to shift closer, seeking his touch. For the first time in a long time, I was content.

Until I remembered where I was.