Felix Ever After(79)
Declan’s nodding, swallowing, like he’s trying to stop himself from crying also. “What’s crazy is that I think I still love you,” he says, “but I also don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you.”
The words are like a stab to my chest.
He smiles a little to himself. “I think I hoped you’d come up here, and I’d be able to move past it and forgive you, and we’d have this magical fairy-tale ending.”
I’d hoped we could have that magical fairy-tale ending, too. But no—I realize that’s what I’ve always told myself, but that isn’t what I wanted, not really. I wanted to fall in love, but I didn’t want to risk the kind of love that’d fill me with excitement and joy. I know that love. It’s the kind of love I feel when I think about Ezra—when he laughs one of his loud-as-fuck laughs and when he says stupid shit when he’s high and when he holds me to his chest while we sleep. I love Ezra. I love him so much, it scares me.
“Do you think we can still be friends?” I whisper to Declan. Because, despite it all, it’s hard to forget the guy that I’d spoken to for hours every day and night. I can’t love him in the way I thought I could—but I still care about him.
“God, I have no idea. I love you,” he says, nodding, “but I also fucking hate your guts right now.”
“Then not much has changed.”
He lets out a little laugh. A beat passes, and I know he’s thinking about his answer. “Give me some time, all right?”
“Yeah. All right.”
“Who knows—maybe Brown will end up giving us both scholarships, and we’ll go together.”
There’s no way that would happen. We both know that. “That’d be pretty great.”
He’s nodding. “You know, it’s so completely messed up,” he tells me, “but I also feel a little grateful. I never thought I’d fall in love like that. Now I know it’s possible. Even if it’s not with you—not with Lucky—I know I’ll fall in love again.”
Declan leans forward, waiting for me to push him away—then kisses me on the cheek, pulling back with a smile. He leaves, and the next morning, Tully is waiting to take me back to the train station. I can’t even look at Declan’s grandfather in the eye, and he wears sunglasses so it’s hard to see what he thinks of me right now anyway.
“Had a fight, eh?” he says to me as I get into the car, slamming the door shut behind me.
I nod, staring at the palms of my hands. I’m exhausted. After Declan left my bedroom last night, I didn’t sleep for a single minute. I kept looking at my phone—opening and closing texts to Ezra. The last time I wrote something heartfelt and vulnerable was that email to my mom, which she still hasn’t responded to days later. I’m afraid that Ezra will do the same.
Tully lets out a sigh. “Young love. What else is there to say?”
Twenty-Three
THE PRIDE MARCH IS ON THE LAST SUNDAY OF JUNE, IN just a few days. It’s amazing just how much can change in a single month. That’s what I’m thinking about as I sit in the empty photography classroom with Leah. I took her up on the offer to hang out, and I’m glad I did. It’s nice to have someone to talk to, instead of moping around, thinking about the fact that I’ve lost both Ezra and Declan and have no other friends . . . and besides, even though it took forever for me to figure out, Leah’s pretty effing cool.
“Do you think you’ll apply for the end-of-summer gallery?” she asks.
“Yeah. I was thinking about it, anyway.”
“You definitely should. Your self-portraits are amazing. Like, seriously. Really fucking good, Felix. Everyone thinks so.”
I can feel my face heating up. “Really?”
The door opens, and we both turn in our seats. Austin is at the entrance, peeking in. A jolt goes through me. The last time I saw Austin, he was still with Ezra. Now I’ve only seen Austin from across the parking lot, hanging with Tyler and Hazel and the others, our non-relationship back to the way it was before.
Austin sees me, then hesitates. “Oh—sorry, I didn’t realize anyone was in here.”
“That’s okay. Come in,” Leah says, taking a bite of her PB&J.
He doesn’t move. He looks at me again, then forces a smile. “No. Seriously. I’ll just—”
Leah frowns. “Are you still feeling weird because of Ezra? I mean, it’s okay if you are, but—”
“I’m not feeling weird.”
“Then come in and sit down.”
Austin sighs as he walks into the classroom, closing the door behind him. He drags himself over and scrapes out a chair, sitting down at the table and pulling a pizza out of a greasy brown paper bag. “You can be so pushy.”
“That’s what family’s for,” Leah says. She adds, “It’s okay if you feel weird about Ezra.”
“I’m fine. I’ve decided to move on.”
I’m definitely feeling a little more than awkward. I stare at my cup of ramen noodles and the swirling steam. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out,” I tell him.
“No, you’re not,” he mutters.
I look up at him, surprised.
“Austin!” Leah gapes at him.