Felix Ever After(78)

“I’m just saying,” I whisper. “I think it’s possible to be in love with more than one person—and that even if you love someone, maybe they’re not really meant for you.”

He isn’t listening, not really. “Is that what you are?” he asks. “Are you in love with me?”

He’s waiting for me. I lean forward, half expecting him to pull away again with another laugh, but the corner of his lip only twitches. I remember what Ezra had said—soft, gentle, not so hard—and I barely breathe against Declan’s lips. He grins at me as I kiss him again, and again, until we’re leaning back onto the bed. Declan ends up on top of me, pulling our shirts off, mouth on my neck, my collarbone, my scars. I didn’t even go this far with Ezra, and my nerves start to pump.

“Slowly,” I tell him, embarrassed when it comes out like a gasp. “We should go more slowly.”

He nods, kissing my scars and neck and mouth again. “Is this your first time?”

“My first time?”

“Having sex.”

I’m surprised. I didn’t even realize he’d been planning to go that far tonight. “I mean, yeah, I’ve never . . .” He nods again, like it isn’t a big deal, but I start to worry. “Have you? Had sex, I mean?”

He pulls up, surprised. “Well, yeah. Me and Ezra . . .”

I look away. “Right.”

“We don’t have to.”

“I just don’t think I’m ready,” I tell him. It’s only been a few days since my first kiss.

“Okay.”

“I mean, I want to, but—”

“Yeah. I do, too.” He sits up, crosses his legs. “Are you nervous because—I mean, I looked up how to have sex with trans guys—”

Jesus Christ. We haven’t even talked about the fact that I identify as a demiboy now. “Yeah, that’s a part of it, but I mean—I’m just not ready.”

“You know, you don’t have to be scared.”

I go blank. I stare at him, and he watches me, still completely unabashedly, unapologetically. “I feel like you’re pressuring me.”

He runs a hand through his hair, brows raised. “Okay. Sorry. I didn’t mean to pressure you.”

Realization burns through me, alongside anger and hot embarrassment. I can barely get the words out. “Did you invite me up here just to have sex with you?”

“No,” he says, a little loudly. “I wanted to spend time with you, and I thought that maybe you’d want to have sex, so I looked up how to have sex with trans guys, and now we’re here.” He takes a big breath, looking away. “We don’t have to have sex.”

“I know we don’t.”

He gets off the bed, grabbing his shirt from the floor and yanking it back on. “Would you have sex with me if I was Ezra?”

“What?”

“I’m just thinking you’d probably be more interested if I was Ezra.”

I don’t even know if that’s true—but right now, I kind of hate Declan. “Can you leave?”

He freezes. “Okay. Shit. Sorry.” He sits back down on the bed, as far away from me as possible. “I’m really sorry, all right?”

I shake my head. “I don’t know if I’d be more interested or not.”

“You love him, though, right?”

“I don’t know.”

But it’s a lie, I know that it is. I love Ezra, of course I love him—I always have, even if I’ve been too afraid to see that. I also know that this, whatever this is between me and Declan, isn’t going to work. It never was going to work. I remember what my dad had said—that it’s easier, sometimes, to run toward the pain and the sort of love that Declan and I have. It isn’t as scary. At least I always knew how this relationship was going to end.

“The only reason you’re not with Ezra right now is because he isn’t talking to you.”

Declan might be right. That’s what I tell him, and he closes his eyes.

“This is all really fucked,” he tells me, leaning forward on his knees. “I really love you. I’ve never fallen for anyone the same way I fell for Lucky. And I didn’t want to believe that I’d lost you, that you’d just disappear from my life when I found out you were Lucky, so I decided to just give this a chance, give this a shot, and . . .”

“It’s not going to work.” I know what he’s going to say, maybe because it’s something I realized even before we decided to try this out, before he invited me to his grandfather’s house, even the day I decided I’d keep speaking to Declan as Lucky. I knew it wouldn’t work.

He shakes his head. “I didn’t mean to pressure you. I’m sorry. I just hoped that, maybe, if we had sex, I’d feel like you love me as much as I love you—you as Lucky, I mean, maybe even more than Ezra, and . . . It was fucked-up. I’m sorry.”

I flinch. Love you as Lucky. This automatically implies he doesn’t love me as Felix. But I can’t blame him. I can’t be angry at him.

“I’m sorry,” I tell him, my voice hoarse. “I fucked with you. Manipulated you. Even when you started to have feelings for me, I just kept going. I shouldn’t have lied to you like that. I’m sorry, Declan. I’m so, so fucking sorry.” I’m starting to cry, which is insanely embarrassing, but there isn’t anything about this entire situation that isn’t embarrassing at this point.