False Hearts (False Hearts #1)(103)

Part of me wonders if I still want to see her.





THIRTY-TWO

TILA

I’ve been moved back from the prison in the Sierras (or wherever it was) to a holding cell in San Francisco. The guards told me I’m getting out in a few hours. So this will be the end of my testimony, which is good, I guess, because the notebook is almost full anyway. I still can’t believe it, though I should know better than to ever underestimate Taema.

I’ve tried to tidy myself up a bit, but the girl in the mirror still looks like shit. Circles under my eyes, and my hair frizzy thanks to the cheap prison shampoo. Now I’m sitting here on the uncomfortable bed, alternately writing in here and looking out through that tiny window at the blue sky.

I’m scared to see Taema, after all this. Will she blame me? Will she be hurt at all I kept from her, even if it was to try and protect her? I don’t know.

I’ve decided to spend my last moments in jail writing out what really happened. I’m taking this notebook out with me, and nobody else will read what I write in here now except my sister.



T:

I’ve made mistakes. I thought I’d be protecting you by not involving you, but now … I know that you were shot. You’re going to be OK, but still. You were shot because of me. I put you in danger because I didn’t want you to realize what I’d be willing to do to find out the truth. If I’d told you from the start, if we’d done this together, it would have worked out so differently.

How are we going to move on from this?

This is what happened. Here are your answers, T.

I first stumbled onto the whole Ratel business by accident. Mia met Adam in a Zealot lounge. He recognized her, but she didn’t know who he was. They met up a few times. He tried to get her off the drugs, and they bonded enough that he told her who he really was. She ran, moved house, changed as much as she could, terrified that he was sent from Mana-ma to kill her. Remember when she upped and moved halfway across the city and took a few trips to the flesh parlors? That’s when it was. Maybe he really was after her, too. I don’t know.

She didn’t tell me eveything at once. I was curious from the start. Someone from the Hearth who had changed their face? Who? When she told me it was Adam, that he was alive and working for the Ratel, then I knew I couldn’t walk away. I tried to, but it burned at me.

It didn’t take long for me to figure out that Vuk was a hitman for the Ratel, so that to even look into this meant capital-D Danger. I still couldn’t leave it alone, though, especially when he walked into Zenith. I watched him for months, whenever he came in, though I didn’t get too close. He didn’t recognize me because I’d waxworked myself (that’s why I did it, T: for your protection, not because I didn’t want us to look the same any-more). I had blue hair, and you don’t expect to see one half of a pair of conjoined twins from your former cult in an exclusive club in San Francisco.

That’s what I thought at first, anyway. Until I realized the Ratel had changed him. Overwritten his personality with what they wanted. Someone who could kill in cold blood, to order.

He fell in love with Leylani while I watched. When I saw that, I thought: if he can still fall in love, maybe they haven’t made him disappear completely. Maybe there’s still a little bit of Adam in there. I asked Mia, but all she told me in her Zeal-addled state was, “He is the red one, the fair one, the handsome one. He came from the Earth and now he returns. The faces keep changing.” She said it over and over, until it freaked me out enough that I left her in her Zealot hovel.

It wouldn’t surprise me if she did sell me out in the end for more Verve, but I can’t prove it. Never will, now that she’s gone.

I knew it was risky to speak to Vuk, so I didn’t, at first. I kept my ear to the ground, and I heard that the Ratel were looking for lucid dreamers. It seemed too good to be true. No matter how much I tried, though, I didn’t know how to get the Ratel’s attention.

So I spoke to Vuk.

I didn’t tell him I knew who he was. I told him only that I was the best lucid dreamer in the city, and his boss should speak to me at his earliest convenience. He said nothing and left the club early. I thought maybe he’d come back and kill me, and there would go that plan before it had even begun.

Instead, he came back a few nights later, and told me I had to prove it. We plugged into the Zeal Chairs. He’d swapped the drug with Verve without telling me. I followed all his instructions, moving through the dream world, making it do what I wanted. I liked that feeling of power, but I was also terrified of ending up like Mia.

Vuk was the one who got me into the Ratel. I started working for them, and it didn’t take me long to become a dreamsifter in the Verve lounge. I met Ensi. One thing led to another. The closer I kept to him, the sooner I could learn secrets. How had the Ratel found Adam? How was Mana-ma linked to it all?

Eventually, I realized the best way to find out would be to speak to Vuk himself. I was going to get out of the Ratel after I did. Never go back. Go with you to China. Yeah, I knew you had that job before you told me. Saw the letter on the wallscreen at your place while you were in the bathroom. I peeked. Sorry. If I went, I thought I’d change my name, change my face again. I thought it’d be enough. I don’t think it would have been, really. I can be so damn dim sometimes.

So I went to Zenith that night as usual. I’d met Leylani for coffee the day before and given her something that would make her a bit sick. Nothing to harm the baby or anything (I figured out she was pregnant, with all the running to the bathroom she did), but enough that she wouldn’t be able to come in to work. I cozied up to Sal, saying I’d cover for Leylani that night. And I did. Vuk was in with a group of people. He didn’t notice me any more than usual. He knew I worked for the Ratel, but otherwise we didn’t interact. He was sad, wishing Leylani was there.