Call the Shots (Swim the Fly #3)(76)

I look at Matt for some confirmation here. “What do you think?”

He just shrugs. “I have no idea. It could be anything. Maybe it’s her bran muffin.”

Coop rolls his eyes. “Why the hell would she ask his opinion about her goddamn bran muffin? Get a clue, dude. Oh, wait, I’m sorry, I forgot who I was talking to. You haven’t actually seen a Batcave up close and personal, have you?”

Matt lifts one of the cat carriers so he can brandish an upside-down middle finger at Coop.

“Mm-hmm. Just as I thought.” Coop turns to me. “What did you write back to her?”

“Nothing. I didn’t know what it was, so I didn’t know what to say.”

Coop reels back like he’s been shot. “Dude, this girl went out on a limb for you. And you just left her hanging? That’s totally malicious. You better thank her when you see her. First off.”

I feel my insides curdling. “But what if it isn’t her —?”

“I’m telling you, it is,” Coop says. “Believe me. I’ve seen enough close-up shots of the wizard’s sleeve to know one when I’m looking at one. And if you don’t acknowledge receipt of this wonderful gift, you’ll be insulting her.” He turns to Matt. “Come on, Mattie. Back me up.”

“Sorry.” Matt shakes his head. “I’m staying out of it.”

“Do you think she actually could be sexting me?” I ask Matt. “Come on, man. You’re the voice of reason here. I’m begging you.”

“Could she be?” Matt shrugs. “Anything’s possible, I suppose. But do I think she is? I guess I don’t know her well enough to make that call.”

We turn up Uncle Doug’s driveway, my stomach in complete knots. Oh, God. What the hell am I going to say to Leyna when I see her?





WE FOLLOW UNCLE DOUG into his kitchen, and my nostrils are filled with the spicy-greasy smell of chili and frying bratwurst. Uncle Doug snatches up a long wooden spoon and gives the bubbling cauldron on the stove a quick stir.

“I hope you boys brought your appetites.” Uncle Doug sips some of the chili from the spoon, his eyes going instantly wide. “Whoa! Hello! That’ll put some hair on your taste-icles.”

Matt, Coop, and me share a nervous look as Uncle Doug leans down and peers through the oven window.

“Ah, yes, my little sweltering wieners,” he says. “Roasting nice and leisurely in there.” Uncle Doug stands and pulls off his apron. “You’re in for a treat. I only make this meal for my loved ones. Slow-cooked chorizo slathered in chili, chicory, and Cheez Whiz. Let me tell you something: you haven’t lived until you’ve chowed down on a Doug’s Dirty Dog.”

“I know Sean’s excited.” Coop waggles his eyebrows. “It’s all he could talk about on the way over here. Filling his mouth with your dirty dog. Isn’t that right, Matt?”

“Yup,” Matt responds. “We couldn’t get him to shut up about it.”

Uncle Doug smiles proudly. “I bet you’ll be the ones talking about it on the way home.”

“Oh, you can count on it,” Coop says, suppressing a laugh.

“So.” Uncle Doug glances nervously at the animal carriers in the corner. “Shall we, uh . . . get things set up down in the basement so we’re all ready when the cast arrives?”

“Good idea,” I say, leaping to my feet.

The plan is to shoot the scene where Rogart and Nashira happen upon Dr. Schmaloogan’s lab and learn all about his evil plan. Unfortunately for us, Uncle Doug is terrified of animals. He says it’s because he’s highly allergic but Mom’s told me it’s really because he was bitten on the penis by a hamster when he was a kid. Honestly, though, I’ve never delved too far into it because I’m afraid to find out why there was a hamster anywhere near his penis to begin with.

For that reason, and the fact that we have to get Leyna and Hunter out of here by noon, we’re going to have to film this section as fast as we can.

“Hey, so, Uncle Doug,” I say as we descend the stairs into the cellar. “We were wondering if we could get the second half of the thousand dollars you said you’d give us.”

“Oh, really?” Uncle Doug doesn’t look back. Just keeps focused on the steps ahead of him. “I’d like an expense sheet first. See what you’ve spent the first five hundred on.”

I shoot the guys a panicked look.

“You’ve seen what we have so far,” Coop responds. “Monkey costumes. Blood makeup. And . . . other stuff. It goes a lot faster than you think.”

The four of us get to the bottom of the stairs and make our way into the unfinished basement. Uncle Doug has already set up a “lab table” in the middle of the room.

“Yeah, well.” Uncle Doug runs his hand down his beard. “Unfortunately, Uncle Doug’s a little strapped for cash right now. What with the stock market shitting the bed and . . . other losses. So, I’m afraid I’m going to have to change our business arrangement. Five hundred’s all you’ll be getting. I do apologize, but that’s the way of things in the business world.”

Coop turns and shoots me a wave of fury. And I don’t blame him. I’m pretty pissed myself. Our super-low-budget movie’s just become a no-budget movie.