Call the Shots (Swim the Fly #3)(17)

“Kerosene lamp.” Kelsey huffs.

“Yes. That’s what I meant. Kerosene lamp. And next to Kelsey is a guy by the name of . . . Don’t tell me — it’s on the tip of my tongue. Wait for it. It’s, like, right there. Just give me —”

“Jake,” somebody barks.

“Jake. It would have come to me. Except . . . I have no idea what Jake’s bringing.”

“A jacket,” the same somebody groans.

“Thank you. Wouldn’t have gotten that one.” I nod, then gesture toward Leyna. “And next is Princess Leyna and her luscious lip balm.” I clench my eyes and my fists simultaneously. “I mean . . . just regular Leyna . . . and just plain old regular lip balm. Nothing else.”

I drop my head, wishing that someone would just kill me right now.





“COME ON, GUYS.” I’m pacing around my room with Judy, one of our foster ferrets, draped around my neck like a stole. “We’re supposed to be trying to come up with ideas for our movie.”

“Okay, but wait. You have to watch this first.” Coop laughs as he points at my laptop. “It’s elephant porn, dawgs. Can you believe this is YouTube sanctioned? I mean, look at that ginormous whang. It’s bigger than his trunk.”

Matt moves over to my desk. “Jesus. He’s just flopping it around for everyone to see.”

“You don’t want to watch this, Judy.” I take the ferret from around my neck and put her on the floor. “Go on, get me my socks.”

Judy scurries off and disappears into my closet.

Matt watches her go, then turns back to the computer. “I guess elephants don’t get embarrassed.”

Coop laughs. “Dude, if your schnoodle was that big, you wouldn’t be shy about waving it around, either. His porn star name should be Packin’ Dermis.”

“Can we please get back to looking for horror clips?” I say.

Coop cracks up. “What? This isn’t horrifying enough for you? Hold on, let me find the one where the dog nurtles the cat. It’s set to seventies porn music.” He hunches over the keyboard and starts typing just as Judy returns with a Mr. Spock action figure in her mouth.

Matt gestures at the ferret. “Hey, that’s a pretty cool trick, Sean.”

I sigh. “It would have been cooler if she’d actually brought me what I’d asked for.”

“Maybe she heard Spock instead of sock,” Matt says, laughing.

“You think you’re being funny but that’s actually a good point. I did teach Judy the names of everyone on the Enterprise a few years ago.”

Matt knits his brow. “Do I even want to ask?”

“Here it is,” Coop interjects. He spins the computer toward us and taps up the sound. “Watch this. It’s freakin’ brill.”

Porn music blasts over my tiny laptop speakers as we watch a dog going to town on a cat.

“You teach your pets to do these kinds of tricks,” Coop says, “and you’ll have my dollar.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Jesus.” Matt’s eyes bug. “That’s so wrong.” He snorts with laughter. “That poor kitty.”

“I don’t know.” Coop shrugs. “The cat only seems mildly inconvenienced.”

Matt laughs. “Yeah, probably because it happens on a regular basis. The cat’s all, like, ‘Oh, great, here we go again. Just get it over with already.’”

Coop punches Matt in the arm. “Kind of like what Val says to you, huh?”

“More like what your mama said to me last night.” Matt swats Coop’s head. “After, like, the twelfth round.”

“That’s funny, because even after a marathon session, your mama likes me to take my time. But I guess that’s because I’ve got the mad skills.”

“Are you guys finished?” I ask, grabbing the back of my tensed-up neck. “Because I’ve only got a few months before my life turns into a total nightmare.”

“Really?” Coop picks up my laptop and shows me the dog-on-cat video. “I would think you’d be grateful. I mean, at least you’re not being accosted by Rover every night.” Coop head-gestures toward the dog sleeping in the corner of my room. “Unless, of course, you are.”

Just then, the door to my bedroom is bumped open and in walk Mom and Dad, each carrying parts of a crib.

“Sorry,” Mom says. “We would have knocked, but our hands are full.”

Dad squints at the laptop screen as he rests the head-and footboards against my dresser. “What are you boys watching?”

“Nothing,” I blurt, stepping in front of Coop.

“Oh,” Mom says, laying the crib slats on the floor. “Is that the one where the dog and cat are wrestling and then fall off the couch? Angie sent me that. It’s so cute.”

Dad peeks around me. “Whoa!” He jerks his head back. “That’s not wrestling.”

Mom looks confused. “What?”

Coop snaps the laptop shut. “It’s for biology class,” he says. “We’re doing a report on animal reproduction.”

“Reproduction?” Mom screws up her face. “What are you talking about?”