Call the Shots (Swim the Fly #3)(12)

“No offense.” Matt stifles a laugh. “But your mom and dad are like the last people I want to think about doing the nasty.”

“So let’s not think about it,” I snap.

“I know, but you kind of have to, right?” Coop says. “I mean, you’re mom’s got the bun in the oven as proof positive they’re doing the grumble rumble.”

“I’m serious, dude,” I warn.

“Oh, come on,” Coop cajoles. “Tell me you’re not wondering how they do it. I bet it’s not missionary. Because your dad’s got that bloated physics-teacher belly going on. Which would just get in the way. Unless he’s got, like, a blue whale schlong.”

“Can you stop?” I say. “We’re talking about how we’re going to film this movie.”

“Actually,” Matt corrects, “we’re talking about your parents having sex. Which is infinitely more interesting.”

“It’s not like we get off on it, Sean,” Coop reassures me. “It’s more of a let’s-go-look-at-the-bearded-lady type thing.”

“Or flipping through Ripley’s Believe It or Not!” Matt adds.

Coop reaches over and swats my arm. “Be honest now. You can’t tell us you’re not just a little bit curious?”

“Yes, I can. I can tell you that.” My voice flutters as we ride over the uneven frozen dirt of the field that backs this lane of houses. “I am telling you. I’m not the least bit curious.”

“Oh, I just had a thought.” Coop waggles his eyebrows. “What if your parents are into doing really freaky stuff? Like the Rhode Island Rabbit’s Foot. Or the Delaware Deep Dish.”

“Or the North Dakota Meat Balloon.” Matt sputters with laughter.

“Enough,” I say, covering one ear with one hand because I can’t ride no-handed when I’m not on flat pavement. “You can shut your pie traps right now.”

“All right, all right, fine. Jeez.” Coop shifts gears on his bike as we get to the end of the field and turn onto Market Road. “So what if your mom likes to dress up like a mime and eat canned peach slices from your dad’s hairy belly folds? Doesn’t concern us, does it, Matt?”

“No, of course not.” Matt’s laughing so hard his bike’s zigzagging through the street like he’s drunk. “They could be riding each other around the bedroom like wild naked ponies for all we care.”

“Go to hell.” I stand and pedal hard to try and get away from them, but Coop and Matt have no trouble keeping pace. Finally, I just give up and sit back on my bike seat. “You guys are total dicks, you know that?”

“Aw, don’t pout, Sean-o,” Coop says. “We’re just bustin’ your chops a little. Did you actually expect us to let something like that just slide on by?”

“Yeah, if you had any class, you would,” I say.

He grins and thrusts his hand out for me to shake. “Hi, Cooper Redmond. Nice to meet you.”

I swat his hand away, but it’s hard to keep a straight face. Coop’s a d-bag, but he’s a funny d-bag, which makes it really difficult to stay pissed at him.

“Okay,” Matt says. “If you don’t need the money for the baby, what do you need it for?”

“Right. Like I’m going to tell you. You assbaskets will just make fun of me.”

“I’m not going to lie to you, dawg,” Coop says. “There’s a very good possibility of that happening. But once we get it out of our system, you know we’ll have your back.”

I let out a long weary sigh because I know he’s right. You couldn’t ask for two more loyal friends. “I need the money to build an extension on my house, okay?”

“What?” Matt asks. “Why?”

“Because. My parents can’t afford to do it. And if I don’t come up with the money”— I shake my head, still unable to believe this —“I’m going to have to share a bedroom with Cathy.”

Coop grabs his chest like he’s been speared by an arrow. “Daaamn!” he howls. “Are you twisting me? Bunking with Count Skankula? That’s egregious, dude.”

“Tell me about it.” I check my cell and see that — even with the shortcut — we are still in serious danger of missing first bell.

“Do you have to move in with her right away?” Matt asks.

“I don’t know. My parents said the baby’s going to be born in May. I’m guessing it’ll be around then. Which is why I’ve got about four months to figure something out.”

“That is harsh, dawg,” Coop says. “How are you supposed to do any plug and play with the new lady friend when your Gothed-out sister’s sitting there gawking at you?”

Oh, God. Evelyn. I completely forgot about her! Perfect. Now I’m going to have to deal with the neck suckler today on top of everything else.

“And that’s just the start of the nightmare,” Matt announces. “What about everything else you need privacy for?”

“Right,” Coop says. “No more punchin’ the munchkin into the wee hours of the morning. And you might as well unbookmark all of those Bridezillas videos you like to watch.”

I shake my head. “You see? This is why I didn’t want to tell you.”