Burn Before Reading(40)

"I'm - I'm fine."

Kristin put her hand on my forehead, checking me over like she was looking for wounds. "Yeah, you seem okay, maybe a little shook up. Do you wanna talk about it?"

"I just - If it's okay with you, I just want to go home."

"Yeah, sure. Of course. Let me get you something to drink in the car, and we'll go."

She led me out of the house and into the quiet serenity of her Prius. She handed me a cold Sprite, and I nursed the sweet soda the rest of the way home. I didn't think it would help, but it did. By the time she pulled into my driveway and shut the engine off, I felt a little better.

"What happened?" She asked.

"I - " I shook my head. "Wolf and I talked, he said I was - burning myself at both ends for my dad. And a bunch of other stuff. Like he knew me. He thinks just because he read my essay he knows what I'm going through."

"He doesn't?" She blinked.

"No! I mean -" I looked at her. "Please, you've gotta tell me about Mark. Otherwise everything is just a jumbled mess and I'm so confused."

Kristin gnawed her lip. "Okay. It's mostly rumors, though."

"That's fine," I insisted. "I just need something right now. Anything."

She inhaled, steadying herself on the steering wheel. "Mark and Wolf went out. When they were freshman. Some people say it was four months, some people say it was the whole year."

"So," I said slowly. "Wolf's -"

"Gay, yeah." Kristin nodded. "But, before that Fitz told me he had a crush on Vanessa, in like, middle school, so maybe he's bi? I don't know. He doesn’t tell anyone. All I know is he and Mark were a thing for a while. It was big news because we never really dated outside of...us, you know? It's been Lakecrest kids, from kindergarten up until high school. So someone dating the scholarship kid, the new kid? It was weird to us."

"So the gay thing wasn't a big thing?"

"I mean, no," she shrugged. "Riley's gay, and there's Carter and Dreyon - it's not like Mark and Wolf were the only ones." She cut herself off. "They were just, like, total opposites, you know? We never in a million years thought they'd hit it off, but they did."

I moved my finger around the scarce few particles of dust on the dashboard. "What was Mark like? Do you remember?"

"Yeah, pretty well. Hard not to remember the scholarship kids. No offense."

"None taken."

"He was like -" She chewed her lip. "Mark was like, not really friendly. He didn't talk to anyone. But he was smart, and he studied a lot."

"Like me."

"Sort of," she laughed. "I mean, yeah. Pretty much exactly like you. I remember - at the Open House, when all our parents came - that his were weird. They frowned all the time. And when they talked to Mark it was like - I dunno. They were super strict with him, to the point it kinda freaked my own Mom out. She told my Dad she wanted to call Child Protective Services, but he talked her out of it."

I waited for her to continue. She squirmed in her seat.

"But, when he and Wolf started going out, you could definitely see the change."

"Change?" I led on.

"Yeah. Mark got...happier. Friendlier. But it was weird, because the whole time Mark got happier, Wolf just - " She inhaled. "He used to be nice. Like, really nice. He smiled a lot, and never really looked pissed-off like he does all the time now. But once he got with Mark, he just clammed up. He started talking less and less, and snapping more, until it was just - he wasn't the same."

"And then the fight happened."

"Yeah," she nodded. "Mark hit him first. I remember that. He hit him right in front of all of us, in the quad before first period. They were talking, and then we all heard the sound. And Wolf just....exploded is the best word I can come up with. I've never seen someone hit the ground so fast. Mark left the school that weekend, I'm pretty sure."

“What do you think happened between them?” I muttered. Kristin shrugged.

“I can only guess. Personally, I think it’s the reason why Mr. Blackthorn tried to get me to spy on them – Wolf specifically. The only people who really know what happened between Wolf and Mark are probably Wolf and Mark, and maybe Fitz and Burn. Maybe.”

I mulled it over, until Kristin patted me on the shoulder.

“Hey, don’t look so sad, okay?”

“Do I?” I felt my cheeks. “Look sad?”

She nodded. “A lot. It’s sort of like, your default expression.”

All the things Wolf said to me in the room come echoing back, like a reverb chamber. Did I really look that miserable to people? Did I ever once look happy?

I thanked her for the ride and went inside. Dad was surprised to see me back so soon, but I told him it was a stupid party. We said goodnight to each other, and I snuck into the bathroom to check his pill bottle – yup, he’d taken two. A little more relieved, I closed the door and started long and hard into the mirror.

You'll bury yourself in duty and your savior complex until you start to think misery is all you deserve.

My knuckles gripping the edge of the sink went white. Wolf doesn’t know me. He can’t know me. But then why did everything he say to me tonight feel true? Every word of his felt horribly, crushingly true. Why was it always like that with him? Why could he see right through me, cut to the heart of me like a blade? Was he really that observant?