Burn Before Reading(104)

Chapter 17


BEATRIX


Being relieved and sad at the same time is a weird feeling. It hollows out your guts, make you feel like a wooden puppet of a person. Finding Dad was the best thing, but hearing that he’s leaving was the worst.

And hearing Wolf say those things about me –

At the time, I could barely wrap my head around it. I was so relieved I found Dad, so relived he was safe and okay, that I sort of blocked everything else out. But I did hear it. And with each hour that passed I started realizing just how loudly Wolf’s words clung to every corner of my mind.

The first thing I did when Dad and I got home was talk. I called Mom, and she came home, and we all sat in the living room and Dad told us his plan to live with his sister until he could get enough help to be stable again. He apologized, and Mom apologized, and then I apologized for not being a better daughter, and I cried, and then Dad and Mom hugged me, together. For a split-second we felt like a family again.

Mom took it well. She never said it, but I’m pretty sure if Dad hadn’t announced he was leaving, she would’ve. When our talk was over, Mom and Dad hugged – a strange, stiff thing. Even if they don’t get stay together after this, after Dad comes back, they’ll still be friends. Or at least I hope so.

I used to think divorce was the worst thing that could happen to my family. But after Dad went missing, I learned it wasn’t even close. Death was worse. It’d always be worse.

My birthday party was something Dad proposed, when I first found him on the bluff. He said he wanted to throw one for me before he left, to make a memory with me.

So here I am now, making guacamole and getting nervous.

“When do your friends get here, Bee?” Mom asks as she stirs salsa.

“Um, in an hour?” I check my phone. “Oh shit, is it really that late?”

“You should go upstairs and get changed,” Mom says, eyeing my guac-stained t-shirt. “I’ll handle the rest of the food stuff.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.” She kisses the top of my head, and shoos me out of the kitchen. I pass the living room, Dad stringing a line of gold paper stars along the ceiling.

“Hey there,” He smiles down at me from the ladder. “You just about ready?”

“Yeah. I’m…actually a little nervous.”

“It’s certainly been a while since you had a party like this,” He agrees. I’m quiet, watching him string the stars.

“I’ll miss you,” I say. He steps down from the ladder and smiles, hugging me close.

“I’ll miss you too, kiddo.”

“I’ll call every day.”

“I know you will.”

We part, and he smooths the hair from my forehead.

“So, who’s coming to this party? Anyone I know?”

“Just…some people from school.”

“What about Wolf? Did you invite him?”

“Yeah,” I mutter.

“That’s great. I still have to thank him.”

“For what?”

“He helped you find me,” He says. “And he and I talked about a few things. He seems like a good kid.”

Unsure what to say to that, I hug him again and head upstairs to change. I nervously rummage through my closet – jeans? No. That doesn’t feel special enough. There’s that old sundress, but the thought of Fitz insulting it makes me smile.

My phone buzzes with a text. It’s Burn.

What do you want? He asks.

Want?

For your birthday.

I want you to be here, that’s all.

I’m getting you something. This is your last chance to make sure it’s not a gift card.

I laugh. I like chocolate.

Alright.

He’s always so blunt and to the point. But that’s his charm. That’s who Burn is. I wouldn’t change him for the world. He texts me again.

Wolf is nervous.

Oh. I respond. I don’t have the courage to tell him I’m nervous too.

I’ll make sure he comes.

Relief spreads through me. Thanks. I appreciate it.

I reach out for the pale blue dress, the one Seamus made. I still don’t fully believe what I heard Wolf say on the bluff about my essay, about….me. How he feels about me. I thought up until that moment he hated me down to my bones. He never liked me, even before I betrayed him. He was using me to get over his fear, and that was because I offered to help. His soft touches, his embraces – all of it was in his best self-interest, not because he held any affection for me. Or so I thought.

I want to protect her.

I shake his voice out of my head, the warmth it spreads through me reaching to my toes. I pull my clothes off, suddenly aware of how flushed my skin is.

I’ll do everything I can for her. And maybe, maybe there’ll be a day where she finds someone else that makes her happy. But until then – until then I’ll be here.

He can’t like me. He can’t have feelings for me. He’s Wolfgang Blackthorn, distrustful of everyone and the king of being unforgiving. But the way we touched, the things we talked about, his smile, so handsome and rare, and the things he said on the bluff – I always thought he tried to get me expelled because he hated me. But it was the opposite. Wolf only knows how to do one thing – and that’s push people away. Especially people he cares about. He’s tried to push me away, since day one. Since the day we met. I had no idea my essay had that much of an effect him. I had no idea he liked my writing so much, enough to cherish it.