Burn Before Reading(103)

“Of course she does.” He points at himself. “Got it from me. But what was so special about that essay? Why did you like it so much?”

“I didn’t like it,” I correct. “I liked the person who wrote it.”

“Why?”

“Because –” I clear my throat. “Because it made me feel not alone. It made me feel like there was someone out there who could understand me, who was like me. And then I met her, face-to-face, and I – and since then I –”

He’s watching me. I stare at the sunset, squaring my shoulders for strength and spinning my wolf ring.

“I tried to get her expelled,” I say. “Because I thought I knew her better than she knew herself. I knew from the essay she wanted to write, to go to Sarah Lawrence. I couldn’t stand watching her go to a school she didn’t like, forcing herself to study just to take on a burden that was too big for her.”

“Part of that is my fault,” Mr. Cruz said softly.

“It’s no one’s fault,” I say. “Bee just decided to make it all hers.”

He’s quiet, folding his hands on his lap. I fiddle with one of my rings.

“It was wrong of me, to try to get her expelled. She suffered for it. And that’s the exact opposite of what I wanted to happen.”

Mr. Cruz shakes his head. “And yet here you are, helping her find her father. Why is that, exactly? What does Bee mean to you?”

“She…helped me work through my past when I thought no one else would ever bother. She never once ran away, no matter how difficult I was or how dark my problems were. She’s very gentle. When she laughs it’s like…like all the thoughts in my head just get blown away, and all I want to do is make her laugh again.”

I spin the wolf ring faster.

“I want to protect her. I want to show her a world where she doesn’t have to carry everything on her shoulders. She’ll keep trying to carry everything. But I want to help her hold it up, if I can. I want – I want to help her. I want her to do what she loves, for herself, instead of everyone else. I want her to enjoy her own life.”

I can’t look at him, my eyes fixated on the sunset.

“We aren’t - your daughter and I aren’t on the best of terms, anymore.” I manage. “Not that we ever were. So if you leave, I can’t promise you that I’ll make her happy. I can’t promise you that, but I can promise you I’ll always watch out for her. I’ll always be here if she needs something, or someone, to help her. I –”

My chest caves in on itself, the pain shooting through my ribs.

“ - I’ll do everything I can for her. And maybe, maybe there’ll be a day where she finds someone else that makes her happy. But until then – until then I’ll be here.”

There’s a long quiet. I try to breathe, evenly, like it will disguise the fact I’m in pain. I mean every word of what I’m saying, but something deep inside me is recoiling, crying out.

I don’t just want to watch over her until she finds someone to love her.

I want to be that someone.

“What do you think, Bee?” Mr. Cruz asks lightly. “About all this?”

My heart jumps into the base of my throat. I turn to see Bee standing there, panting, her hair wild and her eyes watering. Her expression is torn. Mr. Cruz stands, and she runs to him, wrapping her arms around him.

“I w-was so worried –” She stammers, muffled by his shirt. He hugs her back.

“I know. I’m sorry, sweetpea. I should’ve left a note at the very least, but I know you. I know you would’ve ignored it and worried until you had to come find me.”

“So you’re really leaving?” She asks him, and he nods.

“Yes. But there’ll be plenty of time to talk about that later. I understand you were worried about me, but this young man has just poured his heart out to you. I think he deserves a bit of recognition, at the very least.”

“I –” I swallow hard, fear burning my stomach. “I should go. I’m glad you found him, Bee.”

I hurry down the bluff, my blood rushing in my ears. How much did she hear? Why didn’t I just look behind me before I said any of that? The last thing I wanted to do was burden her even more with my own feelings, but I’ve done it, and it can’t be taken back. She knows. She knows how I feel about her. I want to leap into the darkest, deepest hole I can find and never come out again.

I mount my motorcycle and pull my helmet on when I hear the voice.

“Wolf!”

Bee runs towards me, and she stops in front of my bike. She’s breathing heavily, having run all the way down the bluff, but she can’t look at me, and that only makes my stomach sink more.

“I’m…um. I’m having a birthday party,” She says to the ground. “Before Dad leaves. On Saturday, probably. Do you think….did you want to come?”

“Yeah,” I manage. “Okay.”

I push off the curb and leave her behind, my thoughts swirling. She didn’t say anything about what she heard. Maybe she’ll say something at the party. Of course – that’s why she’d invite me. We can’t see each other at school anymore, so she’s made one last time. One last opportunity to tell me she doesn’t feel the same way. To say goodbye.