Bring Me Back (B.A. Paris)(40)

I knew Finn would be annoyed that I’d sent a doll to Ellen. He wasn’t able to see beyond the complications to the endgame. It was also about control, or lack of it. I was unpredictable. He didn’t know what I was going to do next. He didn’t know that it depended on Ellen.

Because Ellen had her secrets too.





THIRTY-SIX

Finn

It’s three in the morning and I’m driving round Cheltenham. I know I’m not going to find Layla but I had to get out of the house. I couldn’t sleep, not after seeing the photos. I didn’t want to lie there and think about the life I’m living now, and be confronted with the truth, that it’s a pretend life, a second-best life, a life I chose only because being with Ellen makes me feel closer to Layla. I didn’t want to see Ellen lying next to me and wish it was Layla, as I had so many times before. Ellen deserved better than that. She deserved better than me. I wasn’t with her because I truly loved her. If she hadn’t been Layla’s sister, I would never have fallen for her in the first place. Ruby was right when she said that I’d been hoping to find Layla in Ellen.

I can’t believe that I’m thinking like this but it’s the truth. When Ellen and I had first begun spending time together, the thing I’d been most afraid of was that she would talk about Layla non-stop, or ask about my relationship with her. I didn’t want to discuss Layla with anyone and, sensing my reticence, Ellen hadn’t asked any questions at all. If she did mention Layla – in relation to something from their childhood, for example – she did so hesitantly, in a testing-the-water kind of way. It’s the same now. Since her three-hour onslaught yesterday, when she told me about the Russian doll that came through the post, she’s hardly mentioned Layla at all. Sometimes, though, I catch her looking at me curiously and I don’t know if it’s because she’s wondering why I’m not mentioning Layla, or if it’s because she’s wondering if there are other things I’ve kept from her. Although I explained why I didn’t tell her about the Russian doll I found, I’m not sure she believed it. And because we agreed to wait and see what Layla does next, we’re living in a sort of no-man’s land.

‘Where did you go last night?’ Ellen asks over breakfast. She hadn’t moved when I’d climbed into bed beside her at four thirty, so I thought she hadn’t noticed I’d gone out.

‘For a drive. I couldn’t sleep. It’s this new client. He’s even harder work than Grant was.’ She looks at me sympathetically and, feeling guilty for lying yet again, I get to my feet. ‘I think I’ll go for a run.’

It’s the waiting that’s driving me mad, I realise as I pound the river footpath back towards the house. The urge to contact Layla and push her into some sort of action is unbearable. I slow down as The Jackdaw comes into sight. It isn’t open yet but when I knock on the door, Ruby unlocks it.

‘You’re ten minutes too early for breakfast,’ Ruby remarks, pouring me a mug of coffee.

‘Ellen knows,’ I say. ‘She knows that Layla is back.’

‘Well, at least it’s out in the open. That’s a good thing, surely?’

‘You would have thought so.’ I sigh heavily. ‘But now things are awkward between me and Ellen, especially as she saw you and me discussing the Russian doll I found. She wanted to know why I didn’t tell her about it. I hate to think what she’d say if she knew about all the others that have turned up.’

‘Does she know Layla’s been emailing you?’

I shift uncomfortably on my bar stool. ‘No. Nor that I’ve been to the cottage, or about the letter I left for Layla asking her to marry me, the letter that Layla now has.’

Ruby raises her eyebrows. ‘That’s a lot of secrets, Finn.’

‘I know.’

‘So how does Ellen feel about Layla being back?’

‘Excited. Scared. She asked me if, now that I know Layla is back, I regretted asking her to marry me and of course I told her I didn’t.’

‘Hmm,’ Ruby says.

‘We’ve decided to wait and see what Layla does next,’ I go on, ignoring her vote of no-confidence. ‘It might be that she’ll suddenly turn up on the doorstep and put us all out of our misery. It’s these games she’s playing that are so frustrating.’

‘What do you think she wants?’

‘I know what she wants,’ I say grimly. ‘I asked her and she said she wanted me.’

‘And how do you feel about that?’

‘It doesn’t matter how I feel because it’s impossible. I’m with Ellen now. I can’t just ask her to leave because Layla has decided to come back. And I wouldn’t want to. I love her.’ Even to my ears the words sound hollow.

‘Then you need to make that clear to Layla.’

‘I’ve tried.’

‘Try harder. And if she still doesn’t get it, go to the police.’ She looks thoughtfully at me. ‘I’m surprised you haven’t already.’

‘I need to find out where she’s been for the last twelve years first.’

‘Hasn’t she told you?’

‘No, not yet. That’s why I need to see her before I involve the police.’

‘Be careful, Finn,’ Ruby says softly.