Bad to the Bones(32)
I started having tons of misgivings about what I was doing.
What a colossal asswad I am. Why did I sob, cry for Knoxie? I barely know the guy. He saved me once. How many times do I need him to save me again? Waking him up at midnight, sobbing for him to get his ass out here? What the f*ck is wrong with me?
Knoxie erased all my fears within seconds.
He came striding onto the deck. From yards away I could see the knitted brows, the concern in his face. The rich golden hue of the sunrise bathed him in an unearthly glow that suited him. It seemed like it’d been weeks since I’d seen him and my heart literally skipped a beat. He looked even manlier in the black leather cut that I would rarely see him without. This one had a patch to the right on the chest that said “FILTHY FEW.” That must be some nickname for The Bare Bones. “Bellamy! What the f*ck’s going on? I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. I was, ah, a bit tied up.”
Tied up? I pictured Knoxie acting in a BDSM segment of a Triple Exposure film—or, worse, doing a bit of rope torture on the side, in his apartment. Instant jealousy speared my chest. “Oh, no problem. I just had…a sort of a panic attack. I had some revelations that I wanted to share with you.”
“Oh, yeah?” Knoxie stood intimately close to me, leaning against the deck rail. “Lay it on me.”
This was very difficult for me to give voice to. “It suddenly hit me, Knoxie. A lot of that stuff you were saying is true, about Swami Shakti, about Bihari in general.” I was looking at his boots, but suddenly I looked up into his eyes. “I don’t ever want to go back there.”
A huge wave of relief swept over Knoxie’s face. He pointed at the deck, spun around in a small half-circle, looked at the heavens above to give thanks. “About time! Damn, woman! I thought I was going to have to give you some serious deprogramming drugs or hold you against your will to get you to see that! Course, then I’d just be as bad as them. So? What’re your thoughts?”
“Well, what Shakti did was wrong. Penetration…that’s no therapy. He’s barking up the wrong tree. He’s using the wrong methods.”
Knoxie couldn’t resist snapping, “I’ll say!”
Maddy shuffled onto the deck, thrust a cup of coffee at Knoxie, and shuffled back indoors. My voice sounded more sincere now, more confident. The words flowed easier, now that I had Knoxie’s encouragement. “I’m not saying people should ignore traumatic events that happened to them. What I’m thinking is…why keep reenacting it over and over? That’s like tearing a Band-Aid off…over and over. There’s no reason for it. It’s not serving any purpose. Like that claustrophobic guy we entombed with cushions. Wouldn’t let him out for nearly an hour. When we finally removed the cushions, we thought he was dead. We thought we’d smothered him. Of course we quickly found out he’d just passed out from fright, he was still breathing, but I’ll never forget Shakti immediately racing to his cell phone, and it sure sounded like he was talking to a lawyer.
“I was brainwashed, Knoxie! I admit it now. I am not a rape victim, so why was this “therapy” even enacted on me? Even if I was a rape victim, wouldn’t that be ten times worse? No, no, they’re equally bad either way. No woman should be penetrated without her express consent. At least, that’s what Maddy’s been telling me. I think it’s finally sinking in, Knoxie. I think I finally feel it. Of course, I don’t know much about ‘feelings’ so it’s hard for me to tell…”
Knoxie took me by the shoulders then. I was thrilled by his touch, and instantly realized that I didn’t recoil from him. That meant that I’d been recoiling from the touch of men for who knew how long? Maybe well back into my teens, when I’d made out with boys out of boredom or a sense of obligation. The idea they’d give me something, take care of me. “Correction, Bellamy. You weren’t a rape victim. Not until you threw your lot in with those doomsday preppers or whatever the f*ck they’ve got going up there. Now? You’re damaged and abused, and I’m not surprised that you’re not even aware of it.” Straightening up, he looked at the faraway plateau rim where off-white limestone of crushed seashells and old fish bones was just being highlighted by the sun. “It’s a temptation, when you’ve seen or endured things you don’t want to see or endure ever again, to retreat back into yourself, to numb your feelings, to pretend you don’t care. I went through that in the SEALS. Ford went through that. Every combat vet has been through that. What you went through at the hands of those loonies, well, I don’t blame you for zoning out, for not knowing which end is up, right from wrong.”
I didn’t want him to stop touching me. He had folded his arms across his stomach, the bitterness of his memories shadowing his beautiful features. I touched his arm lightly. “But I’m starting to feel again, Knoxie. Memories are coming back to me. Not pleasant memories, but maybe things I need to remember anyway.”
Knoxie looked sincerely at her. “In the correct perspective, yeah. Madison said you tweaked when you saw them pushing up on each other in Ford’s office. You tweaked because it brought back memories you finally realized were negative. Scary for you.”
“Exactly, that’s what set me off. Boy, I could never watch any of your films, could I?”
Knoxie seemed a bit ashamed, strangely. He waved me away. “Not that I’d want you to.”