An Uncertain Choice(4)

I glanced again to the swarthy face of the man in question, half concealed behind a full black beard. Across the distance, his eyes glittered with a hardness that had always unnerved me. “But he knows I forbid the traditional methods of punishment in favor of more humane discipline.”

“I’ll speak with him,” the abbot said with a nod at my guards. With curt bows, they ushered the sheriff and bailiff out the double doors. As much as I wanted to punish the sheriff and show him that he must obey me as his ruler, whether he respected my authority or not, I couldn’t disregard the council of the one man in the world who often understood everything about me better than I understood myself.

The abbot rounded my dais and bowed before me, giving me a view of his shiny bald spot again. As he started down the long center aisle of the room with his slow measured steps, I wanted to call after him to stay. I wanted to talk about the problems in my kingdom. In fact, I would have been content to converse about anything rather than having to face the loneliness that had been growing in my life.

Lately, every time I entered the castle walls, I felt like I was returning to a deserted fortress. The enormity of the empty hall dwarfed me, reminding me of how alone I was. The long tables lining the walls had once been filled to overflowing, and the room had rung with laughter, the clink of goblets, the melodies of lutes, the songs of minstrels, and the chatter of the many guests who’d often visited.

But it was not so anymore. Few had stepped foot inside the Great Hall since that fateful night after my mother’s death, when I’d found the parchment in her chest. It had been the first time I’d learned of the sacred vow my parents had made, the vow that said I must enter the convent upon my eighteenth year.

For a long while after that night, I hadn’t wanted visitors. I’d decided it was useless to form friendships when I would have to sever them all too soon. Then after a time, word of my circumstances and my parents’ vow had spread throughout the realm. Any potential suitors who had once considered vying for my hand in marriage no longer had reason to visit. The abbot encouraged me to continue to facilitate good relations with neighboring lords, but without my father, and having only a young woman ruler to contend with, the lords also visited infrequently.

After four years of isolation and missing my parents, I’d never felt as alone as I did now. It was only when I was outside the castle walls visiting my people and delivering goods among the poor that I could forget about the ache.

I released a long sigh that echoed in the emptiness of the hall.

As the guards opened the double doors for the abbot, my porter, James, entered the hall. He was a hulk of a man, with broad shoulders and beefy arms, and he stood a head taller than most, reminding me of a giant. At the sight of the abbot, James came to a halt and ducked his large, bald head.

“What do you need, James?” the abbot asked, eyeing the servant.

“I’ve a message for her ladyship.” James’s response came out in his usual gruff tone.

“Lady Rosemarie is distressed from a torture she witnessed today,” the abbot said. “Step outside and deliver the message to me. Then I’ll determine whether she needs to receive it.”

James turned to do the abbot’s bidding.

“No,” I said, daring to defy my councilor. I wanted — ?needed — ?to talk with someone, even if it was only a servant.

The abbot’s brows rose.

“I’m not too distressed to speak with James.” I motioned him toward me. James lumbered down the aisle. Not long after my parents died, when I’d been alone, young, and vulnerable, the abbot had decided James would add another layer of defense to my castle as the one in charge of its main entrance, as well as be available as a personal bodyguard should the need arise. The first time I’d met James, when the abbot had brought him to the castle, I’d half expected the hulk to pull out an enormous club and bat away anyone who dared approach me. Since then, I’d come to realize James might look intimidating, but that’s as far as the bravado went.

As he reached my golden chair, he bowed, revealing the abbot, who had followed closely behind him.

“Deliver your message, James,” I said.

James kept his head bowed. “Your ladyship is to have guests.”

Guests? The very mention of the word sent a ripple of surprise through me. “Do they come in peace?”

“Yes, your ladyship.”

“It’s been so long.” The last visitor had been after the Feast of Epiphany months ago. And even that had been only because my neighbors to the south, the Baron of Caldwell and his wife, had been traveling to court and had been caught in a storm. They’d stopped to seek refuge for a night. Seeing them had brought back painful memories of their son, Thomas, and the last time we’d been together. Though I’d only been fourteen at the time, the attraction between us had been strong and our plans for the future had been so bright.

The vow had taken away all my dreams of a life with Thomas — ?or with any man. As a woman destined for celibacy, I’d had no right to hold on to love and plans for marriage. I’d let Thomas go, though it had been hard. And he’d done likewise. If Thomas had tried to cling to me, he would have put my life in danger, for the vow my parents made was unbreakable except by death.

I’d assumed that I’d long past buried my feelings for Thomas . . . until Baroness Caldwell informed me that he’d finally married last autumn.