An Uncertain Choice(10)

The abbot was silent but regarded me with concern. He’d witnessed my despondency in the days following the revelation of the Vow. He’d known how difficult it had been for me to truly accept the new course of my life. The compassion creasing his features told me that he didn’t want me to get my hopes up only to have them dashed again.

“How can she make the decision to enter cloistered life if she has not yet discovered if she is more suited for married life?” The duke’s eyes beseeched me to consider his request. “If she enters the convent, she shouldn’t do so by default. Rather she should do so out of a knowledgeable decision made after testing earthly love and finding it wanting compared to her desire for union with God.”

I nodded at the duke. “You’re wise, your Grace.”

“On the other hand, my child,” the abbot said gently, “do you really want to put yourself through such a challenge? After you’ve already prepared your heart and mind for the convent? Think about the possible heartache.”

What was I to do?

“Trust me, Lady Rosemarie,” came the soft whisper of the duke. “I have nothing to gain from offering you this month of courtship with my men, except your happiness.”

The abbot shook his head and began to speak, but I raised my hand to silence him. I couldn’t make a decision at that moment, not with so many considerations. I needed more time to sort through all the information and the confusion swirling through my soul.

“Please, Father Abbot. I have great respect for both you and my dear friend the duke. I know you both have my best interests at heart. And I thank you for it. But now . . . I must have some time to think about this important decision.”

“For the love of the sun, moon, and stars,” came the welcome voice of Trudy from the doorway of the Great Hall. Her cheeks were red, and a barely visible stain crept up her neck beneath her gorget — ?the wide bands of linen she wore around her neck and draped on her shoulders. I had no doubt my nursemaid had heard every word of our conversation. And now the dear servant waddled toward me on her short legs. “It’s past time to get Lady Rosemarie ready for the feast.”

All I wanted to do was race to my chambers, close the door, and block out all the confusion. But I managed a curtsey and smile, hoping to allay some of the tension radiating from their faces. “I shall think over the matter and deliver my decision at the banquet tonight.”

But as I allowed Trudy to lead me away, I didn’t know how I’d ever decide in such a short time. Not when my whole destiny, my very life, was the price I’d have to pay if I made the wrong choice.





Chapter

4




I knelt before the altar. The coldness of the chapel’s stone floor had penetrated the prayer cushion as if to say I’d prayed long enough for one evening. And yet I couldn’t make myself leave. Not even knowing that my guests were feasting without me on Midsummer’s Eve.

There was something in my heart that demanded I seek God’s guidance — ?even though I’d already made my resolution while Trudy dressed me.

In my chamber, with my nursemaid’s advice echoing the abbot’s, I’d decided to continue the course that had been set out for me these past four years. Why change things now? Not after I’d already planned and prepared for a life in the convent. Not after my soul was at peace with the decision. Not after I was so close to the time when I must go.

What did true love matter anyway? Hadn’t I gotten along just fine without it? And besides, I was looking forward to my life of devotion to God in the convent, wasn’t I? The abbot had already hired laborers to begin clearing land near the monastery to build an abbey. It would become a safe haven for unwanted women, a place I could oversee. It would be an exciting new part of my life.

Certainly, I’d have to move out of the castle. And I wouldn’t be able to take my wardrobe or many of my belongings, except for some of my personal items. But I’d decided that I would use the opportunity to sell many of my possessions so I could give more money to the poor. After all, everything would still be mine. I could do with my things as I pleased, especially when I turned eighteen and could make all the decisions on my own.

And yet . . .

I fingered my long strand of prayer beads and bowed my head lower. No matter my rationalizing, doubts lingered.

In the quietness of the chapel, without Abbot Francis Michael or Trudy or the duke advising me, I could finally hear the whispers within, the still, small voice of God that came when I blocked out everything else and listened for it.

What was he saying?

I couldn’t deny that I’d been interested in the knights who had ridden along with the duke. Or that I was curious about what it might be like to speak with the men and get to know them. And in a deep place, I had to admit I felt longings from time to time to have a family again, to have a husband and children of my own. I’d simply never allowed myself to dwell on such longings. I’d known that to do so would only stir up dissatisfaction with the course set before me. Why think on what I couldn’t change?

But the truth was that I suddenly had the power to change the Vow. At least that’s what the duke claimed. What reason did I have to disregard his words? I trusted him like I would my father. He had no motivation for harming me.

Did I owe it to myself and my parents to participate in the duke’s test before making an irrevocable choice? After all, I wouldn’t want to live the rest of my days in the convent always wondering if I’d made the right decision. If, after the coming month, I failed the test, then I could begin my time as a nun without any doubts. I could embrace my future with a completely devoted heart.