An Uncertain Choice(12)

He gave a slight bow and continued toward the chapel exit. I could only stare after him, my heart thumping a strange rhythm at the realization that this was one of the potential suitors the duke had picked to woo me. If all of them were like this man, then the month would certainly not be dull.

“I’m sorry, Rosemarie.” The duke crossed to me. “He didn’t want to speak with you, since the sheriff’s confession was insulting. But I encouraged him to see the task through to completion. For it is often the hardest tasks that build the most character.”

I sighed. “Perhaps I’ve harbored false hope for what my rule will be like once I’ve entered the convent.”

“You’ve been a compassionate ruler,” the duke offered. “Your father and mother would have been proud of the way you’ve ruled this land, just as I am. No one could have done better.”

The duke’s praise was like a crown set upon my head. Whether he’d known it or not, he’d given me the highest compliment. “I’ll rule my people justly, even from a distance,” I said. “Once I have the power to make all the decisions, I’ll do even more for my subjects.”

He shook his head. “Although legally the power will be yours, I want you to think about how you’ll know what your people need if you’re closeted away from the world. Will you truly be able to govern justly?”

His words gave me pause and filled me with unease I wished I could ignore.

“I don’t wish to sway your decision more than I already have,” the duke said gently. “So I’ll leave you to your prayers and trust that God will guide your heart and give you the best counsel.”

“Then will you give me one more night to think and pray about the decision?” I asked.

He bowed his head in deference, causing the candlelight to reflect on the silver in his hair. “I shall tell my men not to expect you at the feast tonight and that you’ll let us know of your decision on the morrow.”

I appreciated that he wasn’t pushing me to accept his test. But as he exited the chapel, I wanted to call after him to walk me to the feast. It had been so long since I’d joined in any festivities. And a small part of me wished to see the three men he’d picked to vie for my heart. Instead I resumed my spot on my prayer cushion and bent my head, as I knew I must. The decision was too important to make lightly without more prayer.

Even so, I couldn’t keep from thinking about how the weight of my isolation had been growing heavy of late, of how much heavier it would grow once I committed myself to a place where silence was the rule and companionship was regulated. How could I bear the burden of seclusion for the rest of my life?

I hadn’t wanted to raise the question before tonight for fear of stirring discontentment due to what I’d believed I couldn’t change. But what if I could change it? What if my life didn’t have to be so silent and secluded after all?





Chapter

5




I hesitated at the double doors that led to the Great Hall and dug my fingers into the thick fur of my dog. My snowy white companion was no longer a puppy and hadn’t been in a long time — ?ten years had passed since the day my parents gave him to me for my birthday. Nevertheless, I’d always called him Pup. It was the name that stuck when none else had.

I scratched his head and earned a lick upon my fingers.

“You’re a good boy,” I said, staring again at the closed doors and trying to decide if I wanted to go in or escape back to my chambers.

I’d been late in arriving for the morning repast. I wanted to blame my tardiness on my slowness in dressing and in Trudy’s extra care in plaiting my hair and arranging it in a fashionable twist. But the truth was that sleep had not come easily the night before. Even when it finally arrived, it had been filled first with blistered and boiled skin and then with visions of ravenous rats with sharp claws digging through human flesh. I’d cried out in the night, and it was only after Trudy had allowed Pup to climb into bed with me that I’d finally fallen into a fitful sleep, this time seeing the four plain walls of a convent cell. The utter aloneness of the tiny room had swallowed me.

Of course, I’d overslept and now had dark circles under my eyes. And I was late in making my appearance in the Great Hall.

What must my guests think of me?

I touched the handle of the door and then stopped, startled to realize I did care what they thought. In fact, I cared very much.

Last night I’d finally understood I must give the duke’s test for true love a chance. If not for myself, then at least for my people. They truly would benefit most if I remained available and continued to mingle among them instead of hiding away in a convent.

However, if I failed the test, I now realized that I’d have to find ways to be involved in their lives and understand their troubles in some other way. I’d also need to stay informed so that the sheriff and those like him couldn’t ignore my authority. Surely I’d figure out some way to make it work. At least that’s what I’d been telling myself.

In the meantime, I had to formally accept the duke’s proposition. My nerves were jumping like grasshoppers at the thought of telling the duke and facing his knights.

Pup nudged my hands and peered up at me with his adoring eyes. His half-open panting mouth smiled and told me he would be there for me no matter what.