A Thief of Nightshade(28)

I’ve known since the night you drove me to get my keys. I’d read your most recent essay a number of times while I waited on you to get out of class. That piece was rather poignant.”

She started to speak, but stumbled for a second. “I might have walked out of class but I wasn’t going to flake on an assignment. Did you say while you waited on my class to let out or that you waited on—”

“I was waiting on you. I locked my keys in the car on purpose.” He smiled bashfully. “I needed an excuse to get you to talk to me. My previous efforts had turned up empty.”

Aubrey turned up the heat in the car and pulled Jullian’s jacket tighter around her. She was flattered by his admission, but still couldn’t bring herself to say anything.

They pulled into the driveway and they both remained still after Jullian cut off the engine. “You don’t have to tell me if you aren’t ready. I hadn’t intended to bring it up tonight.”

“I know.”

“Let’s go inside, you’re cold.”

Jullian had just grabbed the door handle when Aubrey reached out and touched his arm.

“Can we just sit here for a minute?”

“Of course,” he whispered.

“What did you mean when you said that you knew that night?”

Jullian took her hand in both of his and brushed his thumb across her palm with tender strokes. “Aubrey, you are unlike anyone I’ve ever known. You joke about disliking other people at times and yet your heart knows nothing of hate or judgment, not with any real conviction.

You are without a doubt unaware of your own strength.” The smile faded from his face as he tilted her chin up to look at him directly. “But you go to great lengths to hide your pain from everyone. I just don’t want you to think that you have to hide it from me. Harrington did tell me that he’s never seen you cry and in the time we’ve been together I haven’t seen but one single tear; a tear that you clearly hadn’t intended to shed. Which is why I thought twice about what you said. I caught you off guard then, just like I caught you off guard tonight. You normally wouldn’t have cared what I said to the kids, why tonight?

What about this particular evening was different than all the others?”

“I don’t have an answer for that. And you said yourself that I’m not the emotional type, remember? I just know how Brooke is and—”

“You don’t care what your sister thinks.”

She clenched her jaw. “I can’t do this.” She turned in her seat to get out when he pulled her back with an arm across her collarbone from behind, his hand firmly gripping her right shoulder.

She felt his heartbeat on her back and closed her eyes when the warmth of his breath hit the side of her neck.

“You aren’t alone. You may not feel like you can do this, but I’m right here with you. What about tonight was different?”

“They’re children. You can ask

whatever of me, to think about whatever you’d like me to think about, but to ask it of them isn’t fair.”

“How old were you?” His tone was soft and gentle but the words were sharp as glass.

“Not much older than Pearson.” She couldn’t believe what was coming out of her mouth. She hadn’t even told Samantha.

“I did wish for something beyond myself.

Believe me, I did.” She fought with another breath. “I’m sorry, Jullian. I can’t.

Not right now.”

Aubrey sat alone in the bathroom later that night. Jullian had fallen asleep quickly and lay in bed not ten feet from where her back rested against the door. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t keep the panic from rising. She didn’t want Jullian to know, didn’t want anyone to know ... but especially not him. Her chest tightened as she recalled the warmth and innocence in his handsome smile. What would he think of her once he knew? She thought back on what Grant had said that night at her parents’ house ... maybe the reason Jullian hadn’t told her much about himself was because he already sensed how fragile and weak she was. She’d never be ...

normal. She wasn’t even certain she had it in her to be a mother. And Jullian was so great with children. He’d be such a great father.

I don’t deserve him.

She pictured him as he’d told her what he’d wanted to name his firstborn son and remembered the fear in her heart as she’d thought about how deep her issues were. The idea of becoming a parent, the emotional responsibility ...

when she couldn’t even take care of herself ... terrified her. Then, she imagined Jullian with someone better ... someone unbroken ... someone who could have his children and be the perfect wife and partner he deserved. All of that business about her forgoing medical school and moving out on her own had turned up to be nothing more in the end than her running away from the truth.

If there were ever a moment she felt like really falling apart, really crying and letting go, it would be now. Yet, her

cheeks were dry and devoid of tears. She couldn’t even grant Jullian that much. She wasn’t even capable of dealing with her emotions. How could she have expected to amount to anything worthwhile in life?

Numbly, she unscrewed the lid to the bottle of pills in her hand. She’d tread this ground in the past. She knew the mistakes and how to avoid them now. She knew how much to take and when to take it.