You've Reached Sam(65)

The sun has vanished by the time we reach the spot, replaced by a vast ocean of a night sky, freckled with stars. I use my memory of that day with Sam to guide our walk through the woods. I’m surprised I remember everything, especially in the dark. Mika has her arm linked through mine for the entire walk. When I see the tips of the barley jumping across the top of the fields like fish, I make us stop.

“We’re here.”

The others release a collective breath as we stare out at the view in awe.

“How did you know about this place?” Rachel asks.

“Sam brought me here once.” I don’t tell her when this was.

We move farther down the fields until we find the perfect spot. Jay unzips his backpack as everyone helps prepare the lanterns for the ceremony.

“How do these things work again?” Oliver asks as Rachel comes around, handing out paper lanterns.

“The hot air from the candles will help them rise,” Yuki says as she begins lighting tea candles for us. “We just have to let them go.”

I watch as my lantern blooms with warmth and light. It’s like holding a piece of the sun in my hands.

“These things are massive. ” Oliver laughs, moving his lantern up and down.

I look around at everyone, and see their faces illuminated by the lantern lights, their smiles, the grass swaying at our shoes, the sky starry and endless, and breathe in the beautiful moment we’re sharing. I never thought I’d be back here in the fields so soon. Especially with all our friends.

I turn to Yuki. “Is there a significance to this? When you release them for someone, that is.”

“It’s to let them move on,” Yuki explains. “When we release the lanterns—we help release them. The lanterns will guide them to where they need to go.”

“But why does Sam need to go?” I ask her. The others look at each other. I realize how strange the question sounds. “I only mean … why do they need to be guided?”

“I think they just need to hear from us that it’s okay. Sometimes it’s hard, even for them,” Yuki says. “They need our blessing.” She turns, holding the lantern toward the sky. “Remember, these are also memory lanterns. If you have a few last things you wish to tell Sam, whisper them now. The lantern will carry the message to him.”

Yuki closes her eyes as if meditating and then whispers into her lantern as the others watch and mirror her. Mika and I share a look the others can’t understand. Then she closes her eyes anyway, and whispers something into hers. So I do it, too, even though I haven’t lost Sam yet. For now, anyway. I think of something I would say to him right now if I had the chance.

I pull my lantern close to me, and whisper, “Don’t go yet, Sam. Just stay with me a little bit longer.”

Yuki is the first to let hers go. “To Sam, ” she says, and the lantern lifts itself from her hands and rises into the air. The others follow, releasing their lanterns one by one, each saying “To Sam, ” until it’s only me left.

I hold my lantern out. “To Sam, ” I say. And then I let go, too.

But my lantern doesn’t move. It hangs in the air, hovering in front of me, its light blinking ever so slightly. I give it a little nudge from the bottom with the palm of my hand, and it rises for a few seconds, then lowers itself as it stays in the air. “Mine won’t go,” I say as the others look over, watching curiously. “Look.” I can’t help smiling, and laughing a little at this, because I think Sam heard me. He heard what I whispered to him, and he wants to stay with me a little longer. And then a breeze comes, and begins to pull the lantern down the fields, keeping it low, letting it almost graze across the grass. I step forward and follow it, trying to keep my hands right beneath to—I don’t really know. When the lantern picks up some speed, so do I. And the next thing I know, I’m dashing down the fields with my hands stretched out, chasing after it. Something takes over me. I need more time. I can’t let you go just yet. But the lantern gains height, like the sail of a ship being blown up from the wind, as I’m stumbling fast toward its light.

“Julie!”

The others are calling my name from behind me, and I realize how far I’ve run from them, but I can’t stop. I think Mika must have chased after me, because her voice is the closest. But my stride becomes too much for her, and my resolve to catch up to the lantern is too strong. Only I remain running further down the fields until the voices calling me sound far away.

All I hear are my own heavy breaths and the sound of my heart pounding in my ears.

Another breeze comes and lifts the lantern even higher, moving it past the line of the mountains. And it keeps on going no matter how hard I’m running. But eventually I become so tired and out of breath, I can’t run anymore. So I stop and stand there, gazing up, watching it vanish into the sky with all of the others until I can no longer recognize it from the millions of stars.

The lantern is gone. I lost it. I can’t lose you, too. Not again.





CHAPTER FOURTEEN

BEFORE

When I close my eyes and everything goes dark, I see him. Sam.

Standing there. Letting his dark hair cut across his forehead at a soft angle.

Wearing a white dress shirt, buttoned up, with a bow tie. Leaning beside the door of the hotel kitchen as waiters pop in and out, carrying silver plates.