You Had Me at Halo(3)

“Tell that to the fat guy behind me,” she muttered in a sullen voice as her fingers unconsciously made their way to the scars on her wrist.

Tyrone coughed. “Again on the not being here to judge.”

Holly bit her lip. “Okay. Sorry. He probably has a wonky metabolism or something. But…” she gulped as she stared out the window again. “Is Vince Murphy really about to die? What’s wrong with him?”

“Probably missing your smart wit.”

“Mr. Michaels,” Tyrone said in a quiet voice, which somehow sounded more like a roar than a whisper as it echoed around the large glass fronted room. “One more word and it’s another month on Level One for you.”

Serves you right, Holly wanted to say, but she wisely kept her mouth shut. Besides, Tyrone could be sort of scary. She watched him turn back to her.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with your friend, but it’s true he’s about to die,” he said in a kinder voice. “However, Miss Evans, I have to insist there’s no more talking, because otherwise the matter will be out of my hands. Do you understand?”

Holly nodded her head and lifted her fingers to her lips and pretended to zip them together before returning her attention back to Vince. He certainly didn’t look like he was going to die. Then again, Holly supposed that she hadn’t looked like she was going to die either. However, the rest of her thoughts were lost as she watched her stepmother walked to the front of the church and smoothed out a piece of paper.

She could just guess what was on it. Holly Evans has been the bane of my existence for as long as I’ve had the displeasure of knowing her and despite how much she denies breaking my favorite Clarice Cliff vase, I know she did it...

Of course she knew her stepmother was too clever to say these things aloud, but Holly bet her beloved Miss Sixty jeans, her stepmother was thinking them on the inside. Well, Mrs. Evans number two, you won’t be burdened by me any longer, Holly thought sullenly.

Her eyes were drawn to Vince Murphy again. If she didn’t know better she would say he was about to collapse. Holly could scarcely believe it and she spun back to Tyrone and shot him an accusing glare.

“You didn’t say he was going to die now. As in, right in the middle of my funeral. I’m sorry but this is too much. I don’t get to make up with Todd, I don’t get my wedding and now I don’t even get my own perfect once-in-a-lifetime funeral?”

Again someone hissed at her and she was just about to tell them to shut up when all of a sudden things started to get a little bit shaky. She stretched out her hands to grab hold of the rail that was attached to the large glass window she’d been staring out of all morning.

Holly had been through a lot of strange experiences in the last two weeks—dying, finding out that heaven wasn’t full of M&Ms and Friends repeats, being told off every time she opened her mouth—but there was something different about this. For a start it felt like she was falling. Down. Through a long white tunnel.

Then she opened her eyes as she realized she was hovering just millimeters from her own dead body, complete with puffy face, bad lipstick and a polyester dress.

Oh dear.

Tyrone hadn’t been joking.

She really was getting kicked out of heaven.





CHAPTER TWO


“Right, Miss Holly Elliot Evans, client number XY4588890. The time is two-oh-five and this session will commence immediately. My name is Dr. Alan Hill and I’m here to help.”

Huh?

Holly blinked and stared around her. This wasn’t right. She’d been to St Luke’s Church on the corner of View and Elm plenty of times over the last twenty-two years; her most recent visit being a few seconds ago when she’d seen her dead body. But wherever she was now, it wasn’t church.

Everything, from the funny round beanbags in the corner over to the books in the floor-to-ceiling shelving, was white. Unlike in Level One, there were no windows anywhere to be seen. No wonder she was a little hot and flustered. Did she mention that none of this made sense? What had happened to her? Was she more dead then dead?

“It’s all right to feel a bit confused, Miss Evans. It’s perfectly natural after such a journey. Just take your time.”

Holly blinked again. The man talking to her was sitting on a white leather chair, which was floating in the air. He had red hair, chubby fingers and what looked like a pair of Nike trainers on his feet. Gosh, commercialism really was far-reaching.

“What’s going on?” Holly finally managed to speak. She just hoped that her voice didn’t wobble too much. “And why was I flying over my dead body a minute ago?”

“Oh, well that’s part of the treatment to help you tap into your emotions.”

“And why would I want to tap into my emotions?”

“Because it’s part of the healing of course.” The man seemed surprised. “Surely you read about it in your rulebook when you first arrived in heaven?”

Holly shook her head. She had been given the book on the first day, but to be honest, she had been too annoyed to do anything more than glare at it a few times. Besides, if they really wanted people to pick the thing up, then they should consider a more inspired title than, The Official and Unabridged Manual for the Recently Departed—Complete with References and a Fully Illustrated Appendix.