Worth the Fall (The McKinney Brothers, #1)(76)

“Abby?”

She didn’t answer as she opened her jewelry box and lifted the top compartment. In the hidden bottom she had the hospital bracelets of each child, the rosary from her first communion, and a folded piece of paper. She hadn’t looked at it in years, not since Annie was born, and she couldn’t say why she’d looked at it then. Maybe because it’s a day a girl wants her mother.

With shaking fingers and an even shakier heart, she pulled it out and turned to face Matt.

He sat on the edge of her bed, a questioning look on his gorgeous face. She took a deep breath and forced it out. “You asked me once to tell you something no one else knew. The thing is…no one knew any of the things I told you.” Her gaze fell to the carpet. “You probably don’t even remember, but—”

“I do,” Matt said.

She looked up and met his eyes—soft, honest.

“Every word.” He took her hand and tugged until she stood between his knees. “Blue. March third. Real tree. Princess Leia. Lucky Charms in your closet.” A small, sad smile formed on his lips. “Of course I remember, baby. I remember every damn second I’ve ever spent with you.”

Everything inside her expanded and melted. Her eyes burned, but she pressed her lips together, like that would keep her heart together. Matt tried to pull her closer, but she shook her head and held the wrinkled paper out between them. “Something no one knows.”

He took the note. She was thankful for the blur of tears providing a protective haze from his expression when he read the words that had shattered her life.

The paper rattled softly as he unfolded it, still not letting go of her hand. He’d see the words she’d memorized. The ones that played over and over in her mind, mixing with the fresh scent of blood, swirling around her mother’s lifeless eyes. She was sorry. She loved her. But it wasn’t enough.

“I found her. In the bathtub. She was…in the blood. There was so much and I…I didn’t know what to do.”

“Jesus.” Matt pulled her against him, as if he could shield her from the memories. But he couldn’t, no more than he could go back in time and shield the child she’d been.

“I didn’t know what it meant for a long time. I just knew she was gone. By the time I was eight, maybe before that, I understood. She did it on purpose.”

He pulled her fully into his lap and touched his cheek to hers. Minutes passed, wrapped in his arms, as he refused to allow any distance between them. She took a trembling breath and pulled back to meet his eyes. “Don’t you see? She loved me and I wasn’t enough…I wasn’t—”

“No, baby. That was her, her choice. It wasn’t because of you. Never because of you.”

He held her and she settled into him more deeply, fighting against herself to believe his words.

—

In the darkest hours before dawn, Matt lay next to her, stroking his palm over her hair, letting the strands fall over his fingers like dark water. He thought about the note from her mother, the pain that had hung thick in the air as she’d handed it to him. Her voice thin, like a child’s. Trying to be so strong. She was strong. She’d held it together alone all her life. He’d hold her together now. If she’d let him.

He’d read the note twice more, letting the words sink in. Abby’s mother hadn’t just died. She’d left her. Brutally. Leaving Abby not just alone, but with a gory vision of death. She hadn’t just been orphaned, she’d been abandoned. First by her mother, then over and over again. And now he understood. Abby wasn’t just afraid he would leave her. She didn’t think she was enough to make him stay. But she was more than enough, he just had to make her believe it.

He curled his body around hers, hurting with her and for her. Their week at the beach seemed like a lifetime ago. If Rob hadn’t twisted his arm, he might have walked the earth his entire life and never found her. Not something he wanted to imagine.

He should send his cousin a bottle of Crown. He smiled at the thought and at holding Abby’s naked body against his. He checked his watch and his smile faded. The joint operation that had been in the works for months was finally on. He’d been contacted an hour ago. Regardless of his decision, he was still an active-duty SEAL.

When he got back he’d tell the guys he was leaving the team. Most would understand. Some would never understand an able man walking away from being a SEAL. He knew that. Was prepared for it. And they didn’t have to.

He might not ever feel completely released from his promise to T, but he’d come to terms with it. If T had lived, Matt would have left the navy for Abby without hesitation, and he believed in time Teddy would have understood. Or at least accepted it. He had to believe that. Not everyone wanted to die on the battlefield. Teddy had. Matt didn’t understand it, but maybe he didn’t have to.

He looked at her again. He’d made arrangements to go directly from the airport to the base, skipping a run by his house, allowing himself an extra few minutes next to her. Well worth it.

Lying here these last few hours, he’d been thinking about taking Abby and the kids home with him for Thanksgiving. The possibility had grown by the second. Tony could fly here with the new jet he was so proud of. She could stretch out. Beth could come too, standing by as obstetrician, just in case.

Once he got her on his home turf, he’d be one step closer to keeping her. He would battle her fears and he would win. Holding himself above her, he bent to run his lips lightly over her face. It was selfish to wake her just to look in her eyes one more time, but he couldn’t help himself.