With This Heart(69)

When I paused around lunch time to shake out my hand, my mom looked up from her crossword. “How about we try to head down to the cafeteria for lunch? I think it would be good for you to stretch your legs and we can take it slow.”

A part of me wanted to say no in case Beck stopped by and found my room empty, but she was right. I needed to get out of this hospital room and move my achy bones. We took the wheelchair just in case, but I didn’t end up needing it until the return trip. I’d almost made it back when a wave of fatigue hit me all at once.

“ Sit down, sit down. There’s no rush,” My mom insisted. I sank into the chair gently and she patted my shoulder as she rolled me down the hallway. When we approached my room, I saw Beck standing outside of my door. He looked painfully handsome leaning against the wall with his baseball cap on. His lips were a rosy red and a tan still lingered on his skin, making his greenish hazel eyes look even more mesmerizing. But there was something off about him, less life behind his expression. The Beck that I’d seen on the road trip was long gone. He’d been replaced by the shadow of that person and I couldn’t figure out why.

Was it guilt that ate away at him?

“ Hi,” I smiled meekly as my mom rolled me closer. All of sudden I felt self-conscious about sitting in the chair. I crossed my hands over my lap and adjusted my hospital gown so that it covered more of my legs.

“ Hey, Abby Mae,” he answered with a ghost of his usual tone. My mom stopped pushing me forward when we reached my door, but before she could sneak around, Beck started to help me stand up.

His touch sent tingles down my arm and I looked down to study his hands on me. It was my favorite sight in the world and I knew I’d taken it for granted before.

My mom cleared her throat behind us, “I’m going to run down to get some coffee. I’ll be back in a little while.” We nodded and then Beck led me into the room and helped me back onto my bed. Once I was tucked under the covers and there were no other distractions to bother with, I finally looked up to meet his eyes.

There were so many emotions sparking through the air between us and I didn’t even realize I was crying until a tear dropped down my cheek.

“ Abby-”

“ No,” I cut him off, needing to get his guilt off my chest. “This isn’t your fault. I don’t know what you’re thinking right now, but my heart was rejected because of the medication dosage they had me on. You didn’t cause it. Our trip didn’t cause it. Yes, I should have been more careful, and I will be in the future, but there was nothing you could have done.” I thought my speech would clear the air between us, but his gaze was focused on my hands. In that moment, I realized his distance ran deeper than what I’d predicted.

“ Abby, I know that, but it was still so dumb to go way out to Marfa. When I was waiting for that ambulance to arrive and you were unconscious in my arms, I thought you were dying. I thought I was watching you take your last breaths, and I can’t describe that feeling to you. It ripped my heart in two.” He pushed off the bed and started pacing back and forth in my hospital room. “Your parents trusted me to take care of you and instead I drove you out into the middle of f*cking nowhere. For what? Lights? Was that worth your life? Fuck no!” He ripped the baseball cap off his head and slapped it against his thigh, making me jump from the sound.

“ Beck!” I protested, wishing desperately that my body was strong enough to stand up and fight for him to see logic.

“ MIT approved my transfer into their journalism program,” he muttered, and I felt the contents of my lunch rising in my stomach.

What?

I don’t know how long I sat there before answering, “Wow. That’s amazing, Beck.”

He finally stopped pacing and turned toward me. “I’m not going to do it, though. I can’t be in Boston when you’re in Dallas.”

What? He’d give all that up for me? His future? What future would he have without a degree? Surely his father would be even more livid than he already was.


“ Beck. You can’t do that,” I answered, ignoring my own protests even though I wanted to scream for him to stay. The heart monitor started to spike, but I hardly registered the noise. Every fiber of my being was focused on the fact that I was losing Beck whether I wanted to or not. I wasn’t going to be the source of his regret in life. I heard the nurse enter my room, but I couldn’t peel my gaze from Beck.

“ Is everything okay in here? You need to be resting, Abby.” The nurse glared from Beck back to me. Her recommendation was clear: no lover’s quarrels when you have a failing heart.

We nodded and when she turned to leave, Beck came to my side. “I won’t leave you. Let’s not talk about it anymore today. I don’t have to make the decision for another week or so. Let’s just hangout. I just want to be with you.” His arms enveloped me in a hug. He was careful not to pull any of my IV’s or bump my nasal cannula. I tugged his shirt and scooted over onto the bed so that we could both fit. The tiny hospital bed dipped with his weight and I naturally rolled toward him like he was my center of gravity.

I’m not sure if my mom ever came back to check on us, but we turned on the TV and I fell asleep as we watched an old rerun of Friends . My arm was wrapped tightly around Beck’s waist and I was trying my hardest to breathe in the scent of him rather than the sterile smell of the hospital.