Wildfire Griffin (Fire & Rescue Shifters: Wildfire Crew #1)(38)

In a flurry of wing beats, the hawk swooped away. All the tension crashed back into her body.

Rory sat down on the other end of the log. She turned her face away from the pressure of his eyes, clenching her hands on her knees.

“You did a good job today.” His voice was a deep, soft rumble. “Nice call, reinforcing the line around the spot fire.”

She picked up some rocks as an excuse to avoid looking at him. “Callum told you about that?”

“Yes. You should be proud of yourself.” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw him duck his head to try to see her expression. “So why are you hiding out here in the woods rather than celebrating with us?”

She pitched a rock into the stream. “I just…I’m used to being on my own. It’s a lot, always being around other people.”

“Edith.” His hand covered hers as she drew back to toss another rock. “Look at me.”

The warmth of his touch froze the breath in her throat. Longing stabbed through her. She couldn’t look at him. If she did, she’d shatter. She shook her head mutely.

He took the rock out of her hand. Bereft of the distraction, her palms itched. She rubbed them on the sides of her safety pants as subtly as she could, using the rough texture to anchor herself.

Rory closed his fist over her pebble as though he needed something to hold. “Edith, why are you still doubting yourself? You’ve worked harder than anyone over these past few days. You’ve proven over and over again that you belong on the squad. But you still look like you expect to be fired at any moment.”

Because I could be fired at any moment. And then you would be too.

She clenched her jaw, holding back the words. She couldn’t let Rory find out about Buck’s threat. If she’d learned one thing about him, it was that he was fiercely protective of his squad. She had no doubt that would outweigh his loyalty to the chief, or even his own self-interest. This was one battle she couldn’t let him fight for her.

Rory was still studying her face. “Edith, I can tell something’s wrong. You clearly aren’t happy with us.” His voice dropped a bit. “Is it…me?”

“No!” She jerked her head up, horrified that he could even think such a thing. “You’re wonderful. You’re kind, and gentle, and—“

Her social filter cut in just in time to save her from blurting out, and I never get tired of staring at your butt, even when it’s mostly hidden under bulky turn outs.

“I, I mean,” she stuttered, heat rising in her face. “Your orders are always clear, and you give us space to do things our own way, and you’re always looking out for us. I like working for you. You’re a good boss.”

“Glad to hear it.” He pitched the rock away with considerably more force than she’d thrown hers. It missed the stream entirely, disappearing into the undergrowth on the far bank. “Then why are you holding yourself back from the squad?”

She wished she still had the rock. She tucked her hands between her knees to hide their fluttering.

“I’m just not a very social person,” she said. “I don’t have to be everyone’s best friend to do the job, do I?”

She risked a sideways glance at him, only to be hit by the kilowatt force of his intent stare. She wrenched her eyes away again.

“You just said that I’m doing good work,” she mumbled. “That should be all that matters.”

He was silent for a long moment.

“What matters to me,” he said at last, “is that you’re happy.”

“Why wouldn’t I be happy? All I ever wanted is to be a wildland firefighter. Now I am one. It’s a dream come true. And it’s all thanks to you. I’m grateful.”

“But you aren’t happy,” he said quietly.

She opened her mouth to contradict, but the words stuck in her throat. She couldn’t work out why. What was one more lie added to the pile of falsehood?

“I’m as happy as I can be,” she said, which was true. “To have the chance to do good work, to use my skills to help people…that’s more than I thought was possible. It’s enough.”

And if it came at the cost of hiding her whole self…well, every dream required some sacrifices.

She picked her words carefully, trying to make him understand without saying too much. “Rory, you really are a good boss. Your concern means a lot to me. But please stop worrying. I’m okay. Really. I appreciate the way everyone is trying to include me, but I wish they’d all just stop.”

He stared down at his folded hands. “I just want—that is, we just want you to feel like one of us. Part of the family.”

“I know. But I’m not. You’re all so easy and close with each other, and I’m never going to be like that. I don’t fit in. I never will. Pushing me to try just stresses me out. Can you explain that to everyone for me?”

He heaved a long sigh. “Okay. If that’s what you really want.”

It wasn’t.

What she really wanted was to press closer to him. To rub her face into the hollow of his shoulder, breathing in his delicious scent. She wanted those big, work-rough hands skimming over every inch of her skin…

But he didn’t. He’d been very clear about that. No matter how kind and attentive he was, he’d flat-out said that he didn’t want to sleep with her.