Wicked Need (The Wicked Horse Series Book 3)(18)

As she opened up more to me, it practically killed me to hear her own self-loathing for getting herself caught in Samuel’s web. I asked her—because I had to or it would kill me not knowing—why she stayed with him, and it boiled down to fear and doubt. Samuel preyed upon the perfect woman for his sick plans. He showed Cat how good it felt to live with the comforts we all take for granted. A soft bed, a warm home. Food in her stomach. She told me he’d often go weeks ignoring her, and during those times, her life was fine. She lived it as she wanted, so she reasoned to herself it was a penance she could handle.

I thought penance was an interesting word for her to use, and I had to wonder why she thought of herself as a sinner. Personally, I think she’s an angel. And while she never came out and said it, I got the feeling that Cat was fearful of Samuel. Not sure if he threatened her, or implied he’d do something, but Cat had said something to the effect of “for my safety, it was best to just toe the line”.

Regardless, our talk came around to The Silo again, and I gently prodded at her as to why she continued to go there once Samuel died. “You were free,” I told her. “Why come back to the place he made you do those things?” Where he got his f*cking saggy nuts off—metaphorically speaking since he couldn’t get his little dick up—watching his wife get f*cked over and over again by multiple men.

Burns me the f*ck up. Don’t get me wrong… a good gang bang when a woman is consenting and receiving pleasure from the depravity of it all is awesome, but the thought of Cat doing it and not enjoying it… not sure I can handle that thought.

What she told me about that left me unsettled. Not sure if I’m supposed to feel good or bad about it, but it’s weighing on my mind.

When I asked her why she still came back after Samuel died, she was quiet a moment, and I wondered if she was remembering back to a few nights after his death. She was at The Silo and told Bridger that Samuel was dead. He, in turn, let a select few of us know. We circled her protectively, wondering what she wanted and how we could help ease her sadness. She ended up choosing several men to f*ck her—present company excluded. This wasn’t all that unusual, as there are, after all, many men from which she could have picked.

At any rate, she went into one of the rooms that housed a stockade Bridger had built. After she was locked up tight, she took cock after cock with a satisfied smile on her face. It was one of the hottest things I’d seen and I thought she needed it to take her mind off her sadness.

Turns out… she was celebrating, and she told me as much in answer to the question I had posed.

“Because sometimes I liked it,” she admitted in a soft voice.

I think she was ashamed, so I validated her. “There’s a lot to like about The Silo, babe,” I told her in a firm but gentle voice. “Sex there can be exhilarating and beautiful. There’s nothing wrong with what we do there.”

I felt the movement of her nodding in agreement. “Many times, I loved it… loved the rush and the feeling of being wanted. I don’t fake my orgasms, so you know I’m turned on by much of that stuff. But I also hated a lot of stuff.”

“I can imagine,” I consoled.

“But if you really want to know why I went back,” she continued. “It’s because Samuel loved those gang bangs. His favorite thing was to watch me take it over and over again with no ability to say no to any of those men. He liked me stripped of control. But that night… even though I was locked in the stockade, it was my choice to do that. I chose which men f*cked me, and then I said when it was over. I had all the control. I hoped Samuel was rolling over in his grave, looking up at me from the burning pits of hell when I called a stop to it all.”

I was blown away by those words, and haunted at the same time that something as simple as being able to say “no” could have such a big impact on a person’s self-worth and security.

So again… no clue how I feel about all this. Cat’s emphatically said that her feelings about The Silo are complicated, and that’s a f*cking understatement. She’s loathed it and loved it, and I get the feeling it’s in equal measures.

I did ask her because my ego was bruised a bit, “Why didn’t you choose me that night you were in the stockade?”

Cat didn’t answer me directly, but in a roundabout way told me what I wanted to hear. “Rand… I think Samuel ended up conditioning me to be a woman who knows nothing but submission. I do as I’m told because I’m afraid to do otherwise.”

I thought this was an odd observation and wasn’t sure how it applied to my question, but then she made it all clear. “But with you, I never felt fear. Never felt I was in danger from you. Always felt safe and no matter how dirty we got, I felt cherished. I knew if I said “no” to you, you were a man who would respect it immediately. I didn’t have anything to prove to you or myself by bringing you in that room. It was about confronting my fears and taking back control, and that’s not something I’ve ever needed to do with you. It was unnecessary to choose you that night.”

Yeah, those words right there pretty much sealed my f*cking fate. I was going to do whatever I had to do to get Cat on her feet with a permanent smile on her face, as well as the knowledge in her soul that she could do whatever the f*ck she wanted and no one was going to hold her back.

This is exactly why I left her sleeping in my apartment and left for work almost three hours before it started. Even though I live only a few blocks from Westward Ink, I needed to drive out to The Wicked Horse and that was an hour round trip.