VICTORIOUS (A Quantum Novel)(12)

“So you were prepared to live without that for the rest of your life?”

“If that’s what it took to make you happy.”

“But what about you and what you need?”

“I was willing to live without it if it meant I got to have you.”

“Flynn… You shouldn’t have to do that.”

I reach over to run my finger over her kiss-swollen bottom lip. “I spent one day without you and felt like I was going to die. Trust me, if the alternative is to lose you, I can live without anything—except for you.”

She looks up at me with eyes gone liquid with emotions she doesn’t try to hide. “While I was gone, I relived every minute we’ve spent together, every second, every touch, every kiss, every time we made love. I thought about all the things you did for me when my story went public, how you helped Aileen and brought my kids to see me before we left New York… You made me feel so safe and loved, even when my life was falling apart.”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, Natalie. Nothing at all.”

“Then you’ll show me what you want from me? You’ll let me see your darkest desires?”

“No.”

“That’s it? Just no?”

I curl a strand of her long hair around my finger. “You’ve given me a priceless gift by trusting me enough, after what you endured at such a young age, to let me make love to you, to take me into your body and allow me to be with you this way. It would kill me, and I mean literally kill me, if I did anything to ruin that trust or to scare you so badly you wouldn’t be able to stand my touch.”

“How will we know if I can stand it if we never try?”

“You have no idea what you’re asking.”

“Then tell me! Show me. Educate me. But don’t leave me in the dark wondering what you really want and making me wonder, every time we make love, if you’re unsatisfied.”

I stare at her, incredulous. “I’m not unsatisfied.”

“But you want more.”

“Yes, I want more! I’ll always want more with you. But I’m satisfied with what I have, and that’s enough.”

“How long will it be enough? How long will it be before you’re having fantasies about doing things with me that you’ve done with other women?”

I divert my gaze because that’s already happened, but in dreams over which I have no control.

“Flynn?”

I’ve promised to be honest with her, and I intend to keep that promise. “I’ve already had those fantasies. I’ve had dreams about being at the club and in the dungeon with you.”

“That day in LA… When I asked you what was wrong and I thought I’d said something in my sleep that had upset you…”

“I’d had a dream that left me out of sorts, but I worked it out.”

She is quiet for a very long, unsettling moment.

“What are you thinking?”

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

Her words strike fear in my heart that ricochets through my entire body. “What can’t you do?”

“This. Us. Any of it.”

“Natalie, come on. This is only one part of our relationship. The rest of it is f*cking perfect. You’d really throw all that away because of this?”

“I can’t possibly answer that question without knowing what this entails.”

“So, what? You want details?”

“That would be a good place to start.”

I can almost feel my blood pressure inching into the danger zone at the thought of detailing my kink to her. My sweet, beautiful Natalie hasn’t the first clue what she’s asking for. She’ll never look at me the same way again if I tell her, and I can’t risk that.

I get out of bed and pull on a pair of sweats.

“Where’re you going?”

“I need a drink.” I leave the bedroom and go into the kitchen, where I pour myself a couple of shots of Bowmore, my favorite Scottish single malt. It burns all the way through me, reminding me I haven’t eaten much of anything in the last twenty-four miserable hours.

Natalie appears, wearing my robe, which is huge on her. She’s like my conscience, putting me on notice that she’s not going to let this go.

I feel cornered, trapped, unable to escape from the mess I’ve created for myself. I’ve promised her the truth. But how do I give her that and still preserve our precious bond, which has been made fragile by my lies?