VICTORIOUS (A Quantum Novel)(11)

He closes his eyes as his cheek pulses. “The day we met,” he says softly without opening his eyes, “when Hayden told me there was no place in my life for a sweet girl like you…” He opens his eyes, and I see the agony he has endured. It’s plainly obvious now. Has it been there all along, but I missed it because I didn’t know to look for it? “He was absolutely right. I knew it then, and part of me knows it now. But my heart recognized you that day in the park. I knew you as mine. That’s why I went after you. It’s why I’ve done everything else since then. That moment of recognition has governed every choice I’ve made where you’re concerned.”

I’m deeply touched by his heartfelt words. “After our first date, when you didn’t call me… You said it was because of you, not me. This is what you meant?”

“Yes.” He keeps one hand on my face and raises the other to run his fingers through his hair. “There’s so much to it. I don’t even know where to begin.”

“Start at the beginning. I want to know you, Flynn. I want to know all of you, even the parts you think will scare or unsettle me. I want everything with you.”

Caressing my cheek, he says, “You’ve already had more of me—more of the parts that truly matter—than anyone else ever has.”

“Then give me the rest, too.”

His deep sigh lets me know this isn’t easy for him. He turns us so we’re on our sides, facing each other, sharing the same pillow. Then he tugs the comforter up and over us.

Fluff jumps up on the bed and settles in a huff behind me, her back pressed against mine. The relief at having our little family back together almost makes me forget we are far from out of the woods, despite our passionate reunion.

“I want to tell you everything. I want to tell you because you deserve to know, and you have to believe I trust you with my life. But what I’m going to tell you involves other people, too, and it’s imperative that you never speak of it to anyone. Ever.”

“You have my word, Flynn. You can trust me to keep your secrets the same way I trust you to keep mine.”

His face lifts into a small half smile, but his eyes are still troubled. “The summer we were twenty-one, Hayden went with his dad to make a movie in Amsterdam. They were there the whole summer, and Hayden became friends with the lead actor on the film, a hotshot young star whose name you’d recognize. He introduced Hayden to a whole new world neither of us knew existed. I got cryptic texts from him that I wouldn’t believe the shit he was doing. When he finally got home to LA, he was a different person. Like any young guy who’s had the ultimate sexual experiences, he wanted to talk about it. And like any young guy whose friend has done crazy shit, I wanted to hear about it. Rather than tell me, though, he showed me. He took me to some clubs in LA where I got an eyeful, to say the least. It wasn’t just the sex, even though that was incredible—both to watch and to participate in. I was equally fascinated by the exchange of power, the emotion, the connection.

“I was brought up to respect women, and I always have. I was raised by a mother who blazed her own successful path in show business, and I was heavily influenced by three strong-willed older sisters. So to discover there were women who were willingly submissive was eye-opening to say the least. But it was more than that… I felt like a part of myself that had lain dormant my entire life was awaking to discover who I was really meant to be. I’m not sure if that makes any sense at all.”

“It makes a lot of sense. I’ve felt that way since I met you.”

“I’ve felt the same way, Nat. Even though there were things I kept from you, I’ve felt more alive and more settled since I met you than ever before.”

“How is that possible if you were also denying this huge part of yourself to be with me?”





Chapter 3





This is excruciating. I can’t bear to see her doubting our connection or thinking I’ve been finding fault in her when that couldn’t be further from the truth.

“It’s possible because I love you so much.”

“I believe you when you say that, I honestly do. But I still don’t understand how you can love me so much if that means you can’t be yourself with me.”

I stare at the wall behind her for a long time, trying to find a way to explain something I’ve had a hard time understanding myself. “After we first met, and you told me how you felt about sex, I sensed pretty early on that something awful had happened to you. I had to resist the overwhelming temptation to have someone find out what. I decided I wanted to let you tell me when you were ready. After what happened on our wedding night and then when I heard the whole story… I just knew I could never let you see the dominant side of me because it would scare the hell out of you.”