VALOROUS (A Quantum Novel)(84)

Is this what he meant by objectionable? I never suspected my husband was a dominant or that he participated in things so far outside my realm of understanding I wouldn’t have recognized them if they slapped me in the face.

Among all those moments we spent together were the ones in which I’d bared my soul to him, sharing my painful past and bringing him into my life. I have been closer to him in the few weeks we’ve spent together than I’ve been to anyone in my life. He knows me in ways that no one else ever has.

While I was giving him everything, he was lying to me about who and what he really is. If not for his ex-wife clueing me in, I might never have known. Now I’m angry—that he kept his truth from me, that his ex-wife, a woman he despises, was the one to tell me and not him. Was he ever going to tell me? What was his plan? Initiate me to regular sex and then change the rules?

Or is it possible that he never planned to tell me? Probably… I recall our wedding night and the panic attack I had when he pinned down my hands. After hearing my story, I can see why he might’ve decided to keep the dominant side of himself hidden from me. Though I don’t approve of him entering into a marriage with such a big secret between us, I understand that he thought he was protecting me. And I love him for that, even though I can’t condone the keeping of secrets of this magnitude.

I think about all the good things that have happened between us. I remember his generosity toward Aileen and her family, the way he paid the rent on our New York apartment for a year, paid for meals for all the kids in my school, hosted the gathering of my students, put up with my hostile dog in his bed and went to war over my wrongful termination. I relive his heartfelt proposal, the acceptance and love his family has shown me, and the tenderness he has given me when I needed it most.

I’ve seen his heart, over and over again. He loves me. I have no doubt about that. But does he love me enough to tell me the truth? Does he love me enough to figure this out together? Does he love me enough to let me see the rest of him? The part he has kept hidden from me?

What I won’t tolerate are lies and secrets. I’ve had enough of both those things in my life already. I want the truth. I want him to want to tell me. What will I do if he looks me in the eye and lies?

My heart is breaking as it becomes clear to me that if he lies, I’ll have no choice but to leave him. I can’t—and I won’t—be in a relationship built on lies. Even if he had my best interests at heart by keeping this from me, it’s time now to come clean. I’ll give him the chance to tell the truth, and if he does, we’ll figure out our next steps together. If he lies… Well, then I know what I have to do.





Chapter 20





I wake up to the most god-awful smell. I’m almost afraid to open my eyes to see what it is. When I do, I realize I’m sharing my pillow with the wildebeest, and she’s got some nasty morning breath.

“Christ on a stick,” I mutter as I realize that not only is she sharing my pillow, but apparently I’m snuggling with her, too. I long for the days when she was snapping at me. How in the hell did I end up snuggled up to Fluff rather than my gorgeous wife? And speaking of my gorgeous wife, where is she?

I roll out of bed, leaving the beast snoring, go into the bathroom to take a leak and brush my teeth. I find a pair of gym shorts that I pull on before I go looking for Natalie. In the living room, I spot her rolled up in a ball on the sofa, her dark hair spread out on a pillow.

Why is she sleeping on the sofa and not with me?

I sit next to her and lean over to kiss her awake. Her eyes flutter open, and for a second she looks happy to see me before the light in her eyes goes dull. What’s that about?

“What’re you doing out here, sweetheart?”

“Couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to bother you.”

“You wouldn’t have bothered me. I much prefer you and your sweetness to Fluff and her gorilla breath.”

“She doesn’t have gorilla breath.”

“Yes, she does. And that’s me being kind.” I tug on her hand. “Come back to bed for a while. It’s still early, and we have nowhere to be until later.” Addie will know to book us on a late-day flight so we can have some time to regroup before we head to Mexico.

Natalie resists my efforts to lure her back to bed.

“What?” I ask.

“Could I talk to you about something?”

“Of course.”

Her brows furrow and her lips purse, like she’s screwing up the courage to tell me what’s on her mind.

“Sweetheart, tell me what’s wrong.”

She looks at me, and it occurs to me that I still haven’t seen the true color of her eyes without the brown contact lenses she wears. I want to see the real color. Maybe she’ll show me while we’re in Mexico.

“If I ask you something personal, will you tell me the truth?” she asks.

“I’ll always tell you the truth.”

“Do you promise?”

“What’s this about, Natalie?”

“The room at Hayden’s…”

Oh f*ck… “What about it?”

“Are you into that stuff, too?”

For a second, my brain totally freezes. I just promised to tell her the truth, but if I do, then she’ll know that I’ve kept it from her until now. She’ll think I’ve been unsatisfied every time we made love when I’m the opposite of unsatisfied.