VALOROUS (A Quantum Novel)(54)

“It was the hands,” I tell him, keeping my eyes closed.

“I held down your hands, and that triggered a memory.”

I nod. “I’m so sorry.” Tears soaking through my closed eyes leave hot tracks as they slide down my face.

He kisses them away and strokes my hair, my face, my body, which soothes and calms me. “Could I hold you?”

I turn into his arms and hold on to him for dear life as sobs shake my body and my newfound resolve. What other repressed memories are waiting to resurface to remind me of all the many ways I’m broken? How will my beloved husband ever know if what he’s about to do is the wrong thing?

“I’m sorry.”

“Do not apologize to me, Natalie.”

His sharp tone makes me whimper like the wounded animal I am.

“I’m sorry,” he says in a softer tone. “I didn’t mean to say it so harshly. You’re perfect just the way you are, and if it takes the whole rest of our lives, we’ll figure out what works for us—and what doesn’t. No matter what happens, I’ll never, ever blame you for any of it. Ever.”

“I hate that I ruined our wedding night.”

“You haven’t ruined anything. Our wedding night is far from over. It’s just getting started.”

He holds me for a long time, making soothing circles on my back and kissing my forehead over and over again until I begin to settle.

“Do you feel better?”

I nod. “Are you okay?”

“I’m great as long as I’m here with you.”

“Do you think… we could… can we…”

“What honey?”

“Can we try again?”

“We don’t have to. We’ve got all the time in the world.”

“I know we don’t have to, but I want to. If you’re willing. I wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t.”

He props himself up on one elbow and looks down at me. “I am always willing to make love to you. There will never be a time when I don’t want you, Natalie. But you are always free to say no.”

“I’m saying yes. I’m saying yes to everything.”


“We’ll take it nice and slow.” He kisses me. “But we need a word, something you’ll say if it’s ever too much or something scares you. It needs to be a word that we both know means stop. No matter what’s happening, if you say that word, it’s game off.”

“Okay…”

“What word do you want to use?”

I finally open my eyes, look up at his handsome, earnest face and offer a faint smile. “How about Fluff?” My little dog lets out a yip when she hears her name.

He smiles back at me. “That’s perfect.”

I reach up to bring him down to me. “I love you. Nothing you could do will ever be wrong. It’s not you. Please tell me you know that.”

“I do. I know.”

“I loved the way we were before.”

“How were we?”

“Wild and uninhibited. I want to be that person. I want to be her with you.”

“We’ll get there.”

I run a finger over the pulse in his cheek that lets me know how difficult this is for him. “Having sex with me is like playing with dynamite without knowing where the fuse is.”

“Having sex with you is like the closest thing to heaven I’ve experienced on this earth, Natalie. There’s nothing that could happen that would change that.”

“Can we try again?”

“Only if we go slow this time. We’ll save wild and uninhibited for another day.”

Fluff lets out a snore that makes us both laugh, and I watch the tension leave his body in a deep exhale. He begins anew with deep, soft, undemanding kisses that make my head spin. My body reawakens one kiss at a time.

He’s in no rush as one kiss becomes two and two become three. His touch is careful rather than unrestrained the way it was before. I can feel him holding back, and I ache with the knowledge that it’s costing him to give me what I need. He showed me earlier what he really wants, and I freaked out.

“I can hear you thinking.”

“I can’t help it.”

“Shhh. Just relax and don’t worry about anything. Everything is all right. It’s just you and me here, Nat. No one else. I love you more with every passing minute. I want you any way I can have you. You’re absolutely perfect to me. I wouldn’t change a thing about you, except to take away any pain you ever experienced and replace it with beautiful new memories.” As he speaks, he’s kissing my face and returning to my lips for brief caresses before moving on to my neck and chest.

“You’re the only one I want, the only one I’ll ever want.” He cups my breasts and runs his tongue over my nipples, which clears my mind of every thought that isn’t about the sublime pleasure I’ve found in his arms. Long before I’ve had enough, he moves on, leaving a path of kisses over my ribs and belly before moving lower. “So soft and so sweet. I love how you smell and how you taste. I could die happy right here.” He nuzzles the hair between my legs, taking a tentative swipe with his tongue over my most sensitive area before moving down to run his hands over the silky stockings that cover my legs.