VALOROUS (A Quantum Novel)(24)

I pull my hand free of her hold and shut off the water. “I need… I’m going to go for a run.”

“Don’t run away from me, Flynn. Please don’t.”

“I don’t trust myself to be what you need right now.”

“You are what I need. I had no idea how badly I needed you until you forced your way into my life and made me fall in love with you.”

“Nat…” She slays me with her sweetness and her light. How can there be all that light when she’s endured so much darkness? I admire her as much as I love her.

Her arms come around me, and she guides my head to her shoulder. “You’re exactly what I need. Please don’t run away. Stay with me. Be with me. Hold me.”

I’m shaking like a tree in a hurricane. “I’m afraid to touch you.”

She takes hold of my arms and wraps them around her waist.

We stand there in the lingering steam from the shower for long minutes. I have no idea how much time goes by, but I feel myself begin to relax ever so slightly. The trembling subsides, and in its place a deep, lingering ache settles in my bones.

Natalie leads me out of the shower and wraps a towel around me. I go through the motions of drying off. She ducks into the closet and emerges wearing an oversize I Love NY T-shirt that’s another reminder of what she’s lost thanks to me.

She takes me by the hand and leads me to the sink, where she rinses the blood off my knuckles. I’m so numb I can barely feel the throb of pain coming from my injured hand. She shuts off the faucet and takes me into the bedroom. “Sit.” She points to the bed. “I’ll be right back.”

What the hell is wrong with me? I should be taking care of her, not the other way around. But I can’t move. I can’t think about anything other than the storm that rages inside me as I come to terms with what she told me.

Natalie returns with a first-aid kit and an ice pack. After she dabs antibiotic ointment on the wound, she wraps it in gauze that she seals with medical tape. She settles me against a pile of pillows and places the ice pack over my swollen knuckles.

“I’m sorry,” I say when she joins me on the bed, curling up to me.

“Don’t be.”

“I’ve made this about me, when it’s all about you.”

“Not anymore. Isn’t that what you said? It’s about us now.”

“Yes,” I whisper fiercely.

“I’ve thought about this, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“About what it would be like to tell the man I’ve fallen in love with what happened to me. I knew I’d have to someday, and I thought about how it would feel.”

“How does it feel?” I have to know.

“It’s freeing, actually, to share it with you, to no longer be alone with it the way I was for so long. For the first time in longer than I can remember, I feel free.” She adjusts the ice pack on my hand.

“You are free, Natalie, to have and be anything you want, but you have to let me help you. I need to help you. Let me pay off your loans so you don’t have to worry about that anymore. Let me take care of you until you figure out what’s next. You can’t ask me to be someone I’m not. I have more money than I can spend in a lifetime. Let me use what I have to make your life easier. This is who I am. This is how I love you—I need to take care of you.”

“You’re so sweet to want to do that for me.”

“I’m not being sweet,” I say in a low growl that makes her laugh.

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“We can agree to disagree on the sweetness. As for the loans… Let me think about it.”

“Okay.”

“Did we just have our first fight?”

“Fuck no. That wasn’t a fight. That was me behaving badly. When we fight, you won’t have to ask.”

She smiles and hovers above me, her lips a heartbeat away from mine. “I love you even when you think you’re behaving badly.”

“I did behave badly.”

“No, you showed me again how much you love me by making my pain yours, too.”

“I love you more than I’ll ever be able to show you.”

“I love you just as much.”

I bury my fingers in the damp mass of curls that frames her gorgeous face. “That makes me one lucky son of a bitch.”

“We’re both lucky. No matter what happens, no matter what’s already happened, we have each other. And that’s more than I’ve ever had before.”

“Me, too, baby.” I draw her into a soft, sweet kiss that’s all about love and affection. But then she runs her tongue over my bottom lip, and the fire ignites inside me. As if I’ve touched something too hot, I withdraw from her.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m all wound up, sweetheart. It might be better if we just take a nap or something. If I touch you…”

“What? What would happen if you touch me?”

“I don’t know, and I’m afraid of that. You’re so incredibly precious to me. You have no idea how precious you are. I don’t trust myself to be gentle with you, and that’s what you need and deserve.”

“I need and deserve you.”