Upside Down(63)

I looked at Jordan then, and he was staring at me, his face drained, his eyes were glassy. I took a deep breath and shook off my tears. “Does anyone have anything they’d like to contribute?”

Glenn spoke first. “I think we’ve all had sex because we thought we were supposed to. Well, I know I have,” he said. Others nodded. “We’re pressured into it, told we’re abnormal if we don’t.”

“Yeah,” Leah agreed. “And sometimes I want to engage in sexual release. But not with another person. It took me a long time to realise that was okay.”

“And that it doesn’t revoke your A-card,” Sabina added. “I still don’t feel sexual attraction to people, but taking the edge off once in a while is okay.”

Bonny nodded. “I spent two years in a relationship where I willingly participated in sex. I never initiated it; it never actually occurred to me to initiate it. They were very sexual, and I wanted them to be happy. I still want them to be happy,” she said with a smirk. “Just happy with someone who is not me.”

There was quiet laughter, then Jordan cleared his throat. “I um… I’m still trying to figure this whole asexual thing out. I’m like, almost certain, I am. Asexual, that is.” He let out a breath and his eyes filled with tears. “Well, I did. I was sure I was. And I was with someone who means the world to me, and he’s said before—he’s been very clear about it—that he can only be emotionally invested with someone who is asexual, because it just got too complicated otherwise, and hearts always get broken. And I thought, great, because that’s what I am, right? I’m asexual. I don’t want to have sex with anyone. I don’t want to even think about having sex with someone. It kinda freaks me out and makes me uncomfortable. And everything with this guy was going great. Like really great. But then last night we were on his couch and I kissed him and we both like kissing. We’ve established that kissing is great and he can kiss like a motherfucker, you have no idea.” He put his hand to his forehead, his lip trembled and a tear rolled down his cheek. “But then my body… it wanted more, like you said; our bodies betray our minds. And I freaked out, and I left him. Because he only wants someone who’s asexual, and…”

I hadn’t even realised a tear had slipped down my cheek too. I scrubbed it away. “Did you want to have sex with him?”

Jordan looked at me like I was crazy. “What? No! God, no. I don’t want that. My mind doesn’t want that at all. But if my body did… Doesn’t that mean I’m not asexual?”

I shook my head. “Oh, Jordan. You’re as asexual as you need to be.”

He sobbed and put his hands in his face. “Oh motherfucking fuck. You must hate me.”

“How can I hate you?” I said, half laughing, half crying. “When I’m in love with you.”

Sabina gasped. Well, I think it was her, and all heads turned like they were watching a tennis match.

Jordan looked up at me, stunned. I shrugged and held my arms out and Jordan shot out of his chair and walked straight into my embrace. He sobbed against my neck and I held him as tight as he was holding onto me. Merry did some crying-clapping thing in her seat, and Angus raised both hands like he’d scored a goal in soccer. “Hell yes, that’s how it’s done!” he crowed.





Chapter Seventeen





Jordan





“I told you he’d forgive you for lying to him,” Merry said, swatting Angus’ arm before she came over and joined our hug. Then Angus joined in. Then Bonny did and Anwar, all laughing, but eventually I pulled back and wiped my face. I looked up into Hennessy’s eyes. “I’m so sorry. Do you forgive me?”

He nodded. “Next time, talk to me.”

“I will. I promise.” Then I turned around to the other group attendees, knowing I should explain or apologise or something. “I’m sorry. That’s two group meetings and two episodes of tears. Two for two, because that’s how I roll. Stay tuned for next month’s party trick. No crying though. It’s so last season.”

They laughed, which was a relief. “So,” Glenn hedged, looking between me and Hennessy. “You two are a thing?”

“Yes,” Hennessy answered. “We met at the last meeting, but I couldn’t figure out where I knew him from. Turns out we catch the same bus, and we started talking.”

Bonny tilted her head, then squinted at us. “Oh my God! You’re Jordan… You’re the boys on the bus!”

“The what?” I asked.

“My mum has talked non-stop about two boys who fell in love on the bus! Every day this month, it’s like a soap opera. Every night she tells us all what happened. There’s been recipes too! It’s like the craziest thing!”

Oh God. Soap operas and recipes… “Is your mum Mrs Petrovski?” I asked.

Bonny nodded. “Yes!”

“She lectured me this afternoon. She wanted to know why Hennessy wasn’t on the bus and I word-vomited all over her. She told me I had to communicate better.”

Bonny grimaced. “Yep, that’s my mum.”

“Well, she’s not wrong,” Hennessy said, pulling me against him in a side-on kind of hug. “He does need to tell me what’s bothering him.”